Speech by Steven Morris

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven Morris
Speech Date: 28/05/2015 11:52:51

Good afternoon everyone, for those of you who don't know me I'm Steven, Jamie's younger brother and the best man, which is supposed to be a confidence booster.

 But in reality, my self-confidence has actually taken a bit of a knock in preparing for this. Which might make sense when you hear some of the constructive criticism I've had from my family regarding what I was going to say today.

 These range from:

 “Steven, don't you dare ruin their marriage before it's even started”

 To my personal favourite:  “Please don't make this the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of Kerry's life”

 Which is ironic really, because no matter what I say, the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of Kerry's life will almost certainly be  provided by Jamie later this evening in the bridal suite.

 Sorry, couldn't resist that one.

I can see Kerry's nervous, so that's where I'll start.

Despite how we get on now, some of you may know that Kerry and I had a pretty rocky relationship in the earlier years. We're both brutally honest, so I think it's fair to say that we clashed.

 And, because I was quite protective of Jamie, I was probably more of a threat to their relationship than Jamie was. Quite a statement, when you consider how much of a liability we all know the groom to be.

Because of your perseverance Kerry, Jamie is the happiest I've ever known him and it's fair to say that I was somewhat off the mark in my efforts to protect him.

 So first and foremost, I want to thank you Kerry, for your patience with me.

Now whilst I typically don't do compliments, I can point out the obvious, so it's my pleasure to say, on behalf of everyone here, how “wowsers trousers” does the bride look today?

 I'd also like to take this opportunity to extend the same to the bridesmaids. You have done a magnificent job today and all look absolutely stunning. On behalf of the Morris family, Thank you. Despite the challenge, You've all counterbalanced our looks and really dragged up the average attractiveness in one rather glamorous swoop. Very well done.

Can I get some extra loud hand claps and semi inappropriate wolf whistles for the bridesmaids please?

I'd like to mention at this point that one of the bridesmaids is in fact my cousin so hands off OK?..

Our family's from Bristol.

She's mine.., all mine

So, on to the groom. I'm going to keep this simple. Appropriately.

Despite Jamie's clear limitations, I had the best big brother anyone could ever ask for growing up. And I still have. Let me tell you why

When I was feeling down, Jamie would always find a way to cheer me up.

Whether it was piercing his own face, just to save a few quid on personal grooming costs or barbecuing frozen chicken in the rain and making himself violently ill, Jamie always knew how to put a smile on my face.

Jamie is the kind of brother who would kidnap his own friends. He'd shove them in the boot of his car and drive over the biggest humps he could find.

Just so he could see the look of joy on my face, when they exploded through the parcel shelf and smashed their face into the roof.

A real stand up guy.

And when it turned out that I didn't have the “social skills” as my therapist keeps calling it to make any friends of my own, Jamie is the kind of brother who would, out of love, lend me his.

It was out of pity, but this is a wedding, so lets call it love.

Well, Aaron, Simon, Chris, Tim, Ross et al, Jamie has told me that as of today you have all been officially signed over to me.

And this is because, As any married man here will tell you, even before Jamie's signature dries on the marriage certificate, he loses any right or need for friends.

Of our friends, I think I was given this task because I should know Jamie the best. Perhaps better than Kerry in some ways. Now, A lesser best man might abuse this position and make light of his limitations I mentioned earlier

And that means leaving out some pretty notable stuff, things like…Let's say… childhood dinner time

When young master James liked to regally dress up for the occasion. Using my Mum's boots. And clothes. And insist on being addressed by a more formal name whilst dining.

In fact many dinner times in our house I'd be treated to a visit from “Princess Jemima”… and left very confused I might add.

He was only a child, it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault my mum always happened to leave princess Jemima's “dinner attire” within easy reach for a toddler and it certainly wasn't his fault that she always wanted a girl.

So Kerry, If during the evening you become suspicious that Jamie or my mum are plying you with drinks…  perhaps you're right to be cautious. It might just be because they wouldn't want you waking up later on tonight….to catch “princess Jemima” throwing a reunion tea party in your wedding dress..

And there are other things you probably needn't know about, like…

All the adult material he may or may not have stashed in the woods as a youngster…

Or the fact that genetically, Jamie has more in common with a dog than he does with humans

It's true, Let me give you 3 reasons.

Firstly – *points towards Jamie* – see?

Secondly – Take the 1999 Junior rugby tour to Butlin's, Minehead, if you will.

Where Jamie enjoyed himself so much he vomited up a fully intact half of a birds eye quarter pounder burger.

The sight of which made him so hungry again he….yes, “recycled it” *mimes eating it*. The image haunts me.

Thirdly, there was the time he left a bowl of popcorn out all night. His idea being that he'd have breakfast sorted when he got up the following day.

Pretty smart…

This is a particularly good example, because, I'm confident it wouldn't have taken a normal human 10 minutes of stuffing their face to realise that some of the popcorn was actually moving around in their mouth on its own…and that they'd eaten half a bowl of ants… like it did Jamie

Things like this worried me when Jamie had said he'd proposed – how would Kerry cope with him long term?

But it was to my relief when I found out that only a few days before the engagement, Kerry had qualified as a social worker… to look after people who have severe difficulties in caring for themselves.

Nonetheless, After Kerry's 8 years of relentless work to improve Jamie, I think you'll all agree that nowadays, he's a real 7 out of 10. I sincerely mean that, brother.

On a serious note, all jokes aside, you can probably tell that Jamie and I have always been very close. More importantly, Jamie has always been a real role model for me and an example of what I've strived to become. And in that respect it makes me proud to say today, that I will always be a poor man's Jamie Morris.

And so I wish Jamie and Kerry the best of luck possible for marital life and I would now like to propose a toast and finish with a quote.

Ladies and gentlemen if you could please stand and charge your glasses

It was once famously said that “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

And as the obstructive little brother, I for one can testify that Jamie and Kerry have what it takes to fall in love time and time again.

If you could please raise your glasses,

To Jamie and Kerry.