Speech by Steven Robinson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven Robinson
Speech Date: 04/12/2014 09:06:15

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.  Yes you are right there are three best men, but that's something we'll come to later.  This is Steve and James, and my name is Andy

Firstly, on behalf of everyone we would like to congratulate Dunc and Helen on their marriage and becoming the new Mr and Mrs Hulse, and also thank you to both sets of parents for a wonderful day.  We would also like to echo how beautiful both Helen and the Bridesmaids look, I'm sure you'll all agree.

Usually the wedding speeches are after the meal and wine and we were kind of relying on that extra drinking time to make our speech more palatable but as that's not the case we'll just have to apologies beforehand for some of the content.

I know Dunc would have been slightly nervous before giving his speech but he really should be more nervous about what is about to come.  As I'm sure you're all aware the role of the Best Man is to humiliate the Groom during the speech and I hope we don't disappoint.  And as Dunc decided on three Best Men he should have realised that the speech would be three times worse.

Between the three of us we have known Dunc for a combined total of about 80 years.  Funnily enough given Dunc's dress sense and fondness for pottering in the garden that was the exact age that Helen thought he was when she first met him.

Dunc genuinely is a great mate to have, he's honest, reliable, kind and I'm sure he'll make a super husband.  There we go, that's the nice bit over with we can get on with the rest.

Seriously though, we are his best men today but Duncan could probably be described as any man's best friend- whenever we throw a stick he fetches it back and he does love his tummy being tickled.

I think you'll all agree how smart Dunc looks today in his suit, and a big thank you for kitting us out so we didn't have to buy new suits, saved us a trip to ASDA.   Although I have to say I'm a bit confused about the dress code for later.  When I spoke to Helen last time about the wedding night she said she imagined that Dunc would probably just be cumming in his pyjama bottoms as usual!

Dunc was very excited that the wedding day would be on star wars day…’May the fourth be with you’ incase like me you didn't know what he was on about.  We heard on the grapevine that there may be some dressing up and role playing later this evening in the bridal suite, with a princess layer bikini being worn.  But as of yet we've not heard what Helen will be wearing – apologies for the mental image folks.

So for those of you here that don't know him too well we thought we'd fill you in a bit on what sort of bloke Duncan is.

When we first got together to discuss the best mans speech we all came with a word which summed up Duncan, unsurprisingly we all arrived at the same word…’anal’.

Yes, Dunc is renowned for his attention to detail.

So, some more about Duncans traits.

Firstly he's a touch indecisive, guess that explains why there's three of us stood here today.  Rather of taking the bull, he takes himself by the horn!

During the ceremony I expected the question ‘Do you take this woman?’ to be met with the response ‘Well, let me see: could I have a few days to think about it?’

So Dunc if you're feeling indecisive at any point, my advice to you would be to go with your guts feeling.  And I don't mean tucking into a pasty.

But the good news for Duncan is now that you're married you'll never have to make a decision again.

Duncan's also quite, he's a man of few words, and now he's married I'm sure that'll be fewer.  He's quiet that is except for when it comes to talking about Helen and the wedding.  Every time I speak to him now he goes on about how he can't wait to get round to taking her up the aisle.

He's also quite shy and reserved at times so it's nice to see Dunc enjoying the limelight today – his friends that have known him years will know that Duncs not one for making a grand entrance – he'd much rather slip in through the back door!

Apart from missing the start of an important exam, Duncan is a very reliable and punctual lad; you could set your watch by him.  I had no concerns about us getting Duncan here on time today.  Everyone agrees that Helen has made a beautiful bride, and Dunc was – well – he was on time.

I think it's safe to say that Dunc is prudent with his money.  It's well known what a caring chap Dunc is, but he's best known for the care he takes with his money.  He's always the first person to put his and in his pocket, but the last one to take it out. As he often tells me, the best way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your wallet.

In fact Dunc once dropped a pound and bent over so quick it hit him on the back of the head.

I would like to reassure Helens parents that she is definitely in safe hands with Dunc…he never lets his hands wander…they're always firmly on his wallet.

I'm sure Dunc can perform a disappearing trick, on a night out he's always first out of the taxi but last to the bar.  Then when you're in the pub, at the first sign of the charity collectors he disappears again to hide in the toilet.

Helen beware, Dunc's favourite trick is reversing his car through the McDonalds drive through so that the cashier's on your side.  If he doesn't get you with that one I'm sure he'll scare you to death with his old trick of turning his engine off when going downhill to save some petrol.

Duncan is a very sensible, well behaved lad.  So much so that writing this speech was quite difficult – Dunc's never really done anything wrong.  He's never been arrested, never taken drugs, doesn't really get drunk – it would have been a lot easier if he had a past like ours.

So whilst writing the speech I reviewed all the high points of Dunc's life, and fell asleep.

We first got the impression Dunc was a bit old before his time when we met him in secondary school.  Dunc would often come out with phrases like ‘back in my day’ and ‘you kids today’.  On lads holidays he could regularly be found taking a nap or popping to the bathroom to ‘freshen up’ with his favourite travel flannel, in fact it got to the point that Dunc thought Happy Hour meant nap time.

To follow on this theme, since leaving school Dunc has pursued a career in accountancy, but his life hasn't always been so exciting.  Having an accountant as a husband could prove to be very fruitful for Helen especially if she ever suffers from insomnia.  Helen, if ever you're finding it hard to sleep you can always ask Dunc how his day at work was. As the saying goes…’marrying an accountant won't necessarily make you live longer…it'll just make you feel like you did’.

Well the stag do.  Turned out to be quite a messy affair for some rather than others hey Dunc!  Best not to mention until after the meal about the vomit in the bed and blocking the sink.  Dunc really was worse for wear after an all-day drinking session, in fact we had to take him back to the hotel early because he was feeling a little odd

For Duncs stag do we dressed him up as a wrestler in pink leggings and a long blonde wig for a night out..  He's always been a big wrestling fan and he used to be referred to names based on his heroes, like Hulse Hogan and Hacksaw Jim Duncan.  Helen, just watch out that Duncan doesn't give you a cactus clothesline, butt drop, thrust spine buster or tombstone piled river.

We also took him to watch a football match at a ground that is steeped in history and has enjoyed many an evening entertaining European football. Elland road, the home of the mighty Leeds Utd.  Dunc thoroughly enjoyed wearing a Leeds shirt and sitting in a football ground filled with locals, which for Dunc being a Man Utd fan is a bit of a novelty……not a cockney in sight!

So, how did Dunc fill his time before meeting Helen?

During his teens Dunc took guitar lessons for several years though none of us actually ever heard him play.  We all found this surprising because we imagined he would be as good as slash with the amount of time he spent practicing.  His parents said he would spend hour after hour locked away in his bedroom strumming away!

He's had a few hobbies, besides playing football in his younger years he's an avid follower of his local team…Manchester Utd.  If you're wandering about his lack of a Manchester accent it's because after how this seasons gone it's slowly turning scouse along with his glory-hunting allegiances. Perhaps now is an appropriate time for a toast, so if I can ask you to raise a glass…A toast to the recently departed David Moyes and the demise of Man Utd.

Speaking of drinks, Duncan also used to have an enviable collection of liquors and spirits to practice making cocktails, which was another hobby of his.  He kept telling us all about his ‘screaming orgasm’, ‘sex on the beach’, ‘slow comfortable screw’ and ‘slippery nipple’…but to be honest we were more interested in which cocktails he liked the most.

When Duncan was in his early 20’s he went travelling in Australia – the natural place to go when you turn fluorescent orange in the sun.  With all the things he did there, from what he told us he had an amazing, life changing experience.  It wasn't the bungee jumping or sky diving, nor was it swimming on the Great Barrier Reef – no – he met none other than his role model, Harold Bishop on the set of neighbours.

Duncan then met his new ‘wrestling’ partner and it didn't take them long to get engaged.  Now to give Dunc credit, he made a good job of the marriage proposal – popping the question on a big wheel overlooking the Niagara Falls in Canada!  Quite frankly I'm glad I got married several years ago otherwise the pressure would really have been on.  Obviously Helen said yes (or the blackmail is still working) and the rest as they say is history.

So what does the future hold for the new Mr and Mrs Hulse?  Well Helen has got a real catch in Dunc, he's a modern domesticated man – and he has the certificate to prove it – a GCSE – in home economics – he was the only lad in the class.  In fact he has created the menu for today – hope you all like fish fingers and potato waffles!

I know that Dunc and Helen are looking for their first house together and I heard Dunc mention he's keen try his hand at some DIY when they move in…well at least that's what I thought he meant when he said he was looking forward to moving in together and getting down to some serious banging and screwing!  Just let us know if you need a hand.

So that concludes the humiliation of the groom, and long may it continue – Helen we're counting on you.

So now we move onto the toast to the future happiness of the happy couple.  So to Duncan and Helen, may your life together bring you happiness, children, more happiness, more children and then probably grumpiness, bitter squabbling and a large garden shed!  Genuinely we wish you all the best for your lifelong future as team Hulse.

So let's all raise a glass in true Duncan fashion, with our little fingers sticking out – to the happy couple – Duncan and Helen.