Speech by Steven Seed

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven Seed
Speech Date: 28/10/2011 10:26:40

I hope you are all enjoying what has been a brilliant wedding celebration, unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud, so here I am.

First of all, I'd like to say what a fantastic job the bridesmaids (Nia, Jess, Zoe, Sophie, Steph) have done today, and I'm sure you'll all agree they look fantastic and did a great job.  Well done to them. 

[round of applause]

These ladies were outshone only by the beautiful bride, who looks even more stunning today than she normally does, if that is at all possible! 

I've met most of you, but for those of you that don't know me, I'm Steven, and for those of you that do, you'll know that I'm a man of few words, unlike Pick who could sell Diversity to the Mayor of Keighley.

Now, in preparing this speech, I read that it's traditional for the best man to embarrass the groom, but I thought “where's the challenge in that?” Pick manages to embarrass himself without any help from anyone!So the man who invented the pie sandwich has finally made an honest woman of the beautiful Shelley.  Can I also say how great it was today to see Pick do something to actually lower his Car Insurance Premium.  Well done Pick!

I have known Pick for over a decade now, and I can even remember some of it. They do say the sign of a good night is that you wake up and can't remember a thing – well in this case the sign of a good friendship is a ten year party full of wall-to-wall fun, then drawing a complete blank when it comes to thinking of funny stories for the guy's best man speech!  Nevertheless, some stories managed to surface from the more pickled areas of my brain [POINT TO HEAD].

One time that springs to mind is at a Weekender (which for the uninitiated are the dance music events that we used to go to at the Pontins in North Wales) – most of us brought clubbing outfits, CDs, beer and pot…..TURN PAGE……noodles!  Pot Noodles!  And what did Pick bring?  [PAUSE]   Paintball Guns! 

Needless to say we came home with some rather interesting looking bruises from that trip – and I'm pretty sure at least two of us won't be having kids anytime soon!!  Yes, the guns come with protective glasses for your eyes, but gentlemen do have two other round objects other than their eyes that are quite important to them too!

Still, we managed a few hours before having them confiscated which isn't too bad!  Pick has also made me laugh with his ability to choose exactly the wrong moment to use bad language.  I think it was about 7 minutes into his first radio show he managed to swear live on air.  Fortunately this was in the early days of his DJing career when his show went out in the small hours of Thursday morning and at this time the locals were in bed.

Even at the rehearsal last week, we were in the church about 6 minutes before the stone walls were echoing with the sound of his bad language.  But we all laughed, and I for one wouldn't change his ways for the world.  Many of the adventures we had were only really funny if you were there – The many Skegness excursions in that Ford Sierra, the Weekenders in Wales, and not forgetting the fantastic nights out in Sheffield as we worked and played our way through our twenties. 

Fortunately, I was there and had a fantastic time.Of course, I'm sure these adventures are by no means over, there are many more to come in married life………Hmm, I've just got “Punchline to be thought of later!”*When he first called me from Sunset Strip in Ibiza where he proposed, it was about 1 in the morning and I had work the next day, I saw his name on my phone, along with that ridiculous picture of him in the superhero outfit, and I answered it saying……….“What the hell are you doing ringing me at this time?”  

However, instead of the loud music and sporadic shouting-slash-singing (because I knew where he was), my ears were greeted with a welcome quietness, followed by an excited Pick saying “Guess what?  I've proposed to Shell and she's said yes!  And I want you to be my best man!”.  I then paused, and said……[PAUSE]………”  What the hell are you doing ringing me at this time!?”  No, only kidding.  I was overjoyed, honoured and proud all in one hit – it was quite a time.  So that's about all from me but I'd like to leave Pick with a nice list of things he can do to impress his wife, going forward, that I found on the internet and thought he could benefit by. 

So here it is: HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN – Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine her and dine her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

I have another list here for Shell, titled “HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN” – Its only got one entry – Turn up naked, with a large donner kebab.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, please be upstanding as we toast……[PAUSE WHILST PEOPLE STAND UP]……..the Bride and Groom!

ENDS

* I did actually have that written on the speech until a few days before the wedding because I couldn't think of a good punchline.  It turned out that actually got a better laugh!