Speech by Stew H

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stew H
Speech Date: 24/07/2010 22:00:00

Hello all. Thank you all for joining us.

It's not uncommon for the best man to be rather daunted by the duties he has to perform, but ever since Mike asked me I've felt pretty relaxed. Because he's so organised and a bit of a control freak, I thought that he'll sort the whole thing – the stag do, which he pretty much did, the wedding, which he and Laura have done fanatically and, of course, my speech. So come on, Mike – can I have it now, please?

…

I'm joking of course. I have come prepared. And I was lying about being relaxed too. I am actually very nervous and apprehensive.. as I'm sure Laura is, she has after all just married Mike.

I'd like to thank Mike for his toast, on behalf of the bridesmaid Ella. She has done her duty fantastically today, and look absolutely amazing. Eclipsed only by Laura, who looks absolutely stunning today.

According to Wikipedia, Women all wear white at a wedding because it is a symbol of happiness. I love little interesting nuggets like that, but It did make me wonder why all the men wear black.

For those who don't know, I'm mikes best man, and also his twin brother. If you didn't know that, then the door security obviously aren't doing their jobs properly.

Thank you all for being with us today. It's an amazing occasion, and there's been some quite unorthadox themes. I don't know if you all realise this, but your tables are all named after planets from Star Wars. So I'd like to send a special message to the people sitting on table ‘Alderon’, you might want to switch seats before the first dance starts!

As I said, I'm Mikes twin brother, identical twin in fact, and it's entirely appropriate that I labour this point, because being a twin is kind of like being married. It's so hard to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life, but I was blessed with one from birth.

One of the best things about being a twin, I suppose, it that when you are a ten-year-old and you're bored and you want to play, there is always another bored ten-year-old around for you to play with. We're often asked if there are any spooky moments, where say one of us was hurt, and the other one feels something. Well, I can confirm that this is true.

On the numerous occasions where I have been witness to Mike suffering an injury, normaly through his own fault entirely, I confess that I have felt spookily amused by it.

And on the occasions where I've carried him home after over-indulging on vodka, between four other people, I've felt mortified.

And, as we discovered during the ceremony, we both cry at exactly the same time too.

And of course, when Mike phoned me to tell me he had asked Laura to marry him, and that she had said yes, I felt made up than I can ever remember being.

Being a twin is a very special blessing. We've lived the same life, a shared existence, to quote Dr. Who. And I used to think there was absolutely no bond on earth that compares to being a twin.

At least that was what I used to think… before at the reading festival in 2005, Mike introduced me to Laura. I remember being astonished that he'd found someone else who could not only tolerate his personality, but also be totally compatible with it.

I was starting to wonder if Mike would ever find the right girl. He sent his photo off to a lonely hearts agency, but they sent it back with a message saying… “We're not THAT lonely”

Let me give you an insight. What can I say about Mike?

Well, I would say that mike is a man of rare gifts. In fact, just last month, he forgot to buy dad a fathers day gift for the third year on the trot.

Apparently the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it… once

Mike is also very responsible individual. If ever there's a crisis, or a panic at home,you can bet your ass, Mike's responsible.

He also a pessimist, and many would describe him as a glass half empty person. Whenever opportunity knocks, Mikes first instinct will be to complain about the noise.

Mike is also a great lover of practical jokes. One story, which I'll never forget, was on April fools day, and mike decided he was going to reset all the alarm clocks in the middle of the night. We both woke up, and he got all the easy ones downstairs. Then it came time to get the hard ones. I perched on the stairs and watched as mike creeped into mum and dads room.

There was silence for some time,

Followed by some hushed mumbling

Followed by a scream

Followed by my dad bursting out of the room, hesitating for a second, then going back in

And finally, I heard mike say “APRIL FOOLS!!!”

Indeed sometimes, he does forget to engage his brain when comign up with some of his genius ideas! But his heart is always in the right place.

So as you can see, when trying to come up with some advice to offer to Mike, as the best man is obliged to do, it was difficult to know where to start.

But I did see a David Attenbourugh doccumentary the other day, and it said that apparently, some breeds of Spider give birth to 8 million babies a year. Now Mike is a Web Developer, and Laura is a Web designer, so I guess my first piece of advice would be to stick to around 2 or 3.

Henny Youngman also believed he'd found the secret to a happy marriage, if I may quote;

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

And of course, who can forget the advice of Phllis Diller.

“Never go to bed mad – Stay up and fight!”

And finally, I'd like to read some advice in the form of a poem from the late great Ogden Nash;

“To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.”

So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention immense relief, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses…

A toast… to the newest “Mr. and Mrs [NAME REMOVED]”. Thank you!