Speech by Stewart Alan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stewart Alan
Speech Date: aug2002
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls (Pause). I hope your all having a good time today, as much as I was until about 30seconds ago
For those who don't know me my name is Alan I'm the best man for the day and also, unfortunately, Mark's little brother. I have been really close to Mark for as long as I can remember: actually my memory is quite poor and only stretches back as far as last Wednesday; but I'm sure I've known him for longer that! I still hope to be friends at the end of this speech.
A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………thank you (Sit Down )
Just kidding
I have to admit that I was quite shocked when Mark told me that he was getting married – I actually put an advert into the local paper announcing that Mark was off the market and could anybody with keys to his house return them to the address below. (hold up big bag of keys)
The response was very impressive
I also had to try and avoid any ex girlfriend's turning up unexpectedly (PAUSE) but fortunately with the foot and mouth outbreak last year, it hasn't been difficult
I'm sure you'll agree that Kerry looks absolutely stunning and as for Mark (LOOK AT MARK) well he just looks stunned! (PAUSE) No, Mark looks the part as well although he has copied my outfit!
But Kerry, I feel I need to tell you about the man who you have married.
Mark can be described as Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Generous, A great lover and Per…Per…(SHOW SHEET TO MARK) Sorry Mark, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

But traditionally I should take the mickey out of Mark, telling you how mum used to tie a kipper around his neck just so that the cats would play with him.
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A few other things I'm not supposed to mention ;
(PAUSE)
At birth, Mark's nickname was big ears, (PAUSE) although he's grown into them now.
At the age of 7 Mark became a pyromaniac and burnt down Swanland market gardeners.
At the age of 12 Mark pretended to be Houdini as I find him squashed into a sleeping bag with a girl. (PAUSE) Funny until I realise it's my girlfriend.
At the age of 16 Mark decided to have his hair permed and not surprisingly attracts huge interest from the gay community.
Onto the cards and telegrams:
This one's in response to a letter Mark wrote to the singer Louise:
Mark – get a life you sad weirdo.
Here's another:
Mark, thanks for everything. I will never forget our nights by the pool – Michael Barrymore
ANY REAL ONES
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Now comes the time when I ask you if you could join me in a toast to some very special people, without whom today just wouldn't be the same.
PAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.
But seriously, On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances.
It gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Mark and Kerry.