Speech by Stu

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stu
Speech Date: 13/12/2016 13:37:16

Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that's enough about me. I'm here to give a speech about Stuart!

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me… my name is also Stuart and I'm the best man for today.

I'd like to start by laying down a couple of rules. Firstly, if you do have a mobile phone… please, please, please leave it switched on and keep yourselves entertained. Secondly, if anyone texts you any good jokes could you please forward them on to me? Thank you.

Can I just say that if anyone hears any unusual noises at all during this speech then don't be alarmed, it's just Stuart's wallet groaning in agony. As the tightest man in England he's not used to spending money and I'm still fully expecting him to invoice us all for the food we've just enjoyed.

I was absolutely honoured and delighted to be asked to be Stuart's best man, however, as today has moved closer and closer I've started to wish he hadn't. I apologise in advance as I'm not an experienced public speaker and if you see me looking down at this piece of paper again and again, it's not actually my notes – It's a picture of the massive drink I'm going to have as soon as this is over.

In preparation for this speech I started where most people go when they're stumped, and went online. After a couple of minutes of googling I had found some good stuff, and half an hour later some REALLY good stuff. There were videos, hints and tips – it was great! After about an hour though, I heard my fiancée pulling onto the driveway so I deleted the internet browsing history and started looking for best man speeches.

Obviously, there are certain duties as a best man that I should do… I'd like to thank the bride's father Tony and the groom for doing such a brilliant job of their speeches and on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Stuart for his kind words. I'm sure everyone will agree that the bridesmaids look absolutely beautiful and did a brilliant job of managing to convince Jane to actually show up today, so thank you.

Bridesmaids tend to get a lot of attention at weddings but I'd like to also give a special mention to the Usher, Mike, who had the extremely difficult job of standing around and pointing to where people should sit. Without you, all this would still have been possible!

Seriously though Mike, thank you – you've done a great job and it really is appreciated.

Before I begin the character assassination of the groom, I think we can all agree that Jane looks stunning today. Stuart, you've done so well in finding someone who's good looking, clever, charming, funny, loving and caring. And Jane, you have found… well, you've found Stuart. But seriously, I think you've made a wonderful choice for your first husband.

So, where do I begin with Stuart?

I think I should let you know that Stuart did have a quick word with me earlier and specifically asked me not to mention his past girlfriends to ensure the speech doesn't drag on for too long. And he's right – This has cut the speech short by a good 12 seconds!

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I'm now supposed to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his MANY good points.… Well, I'm very sorry but I can't sing and I certainly will NOT lie.

What I can tell you is that I first met Stuart back in primary school, about 20 years ago. I can remember the day before he joined the school when the rumour went around that there would be a new boy arriving. Everyone was excitedly wondering what he'd be like and we were all convinced he'd be the new “tough kid” in school who would shake up the playground hierarchy. This was quickly put to bed when gangly Stuart loped into the classroom on his first day. He's filled out since then… although maybe a little too much.

We very quickly became great friends; I think due to me feeling a little bit sorry for him and also due to our love of sport, specifically rugby league.

We have since become very close. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Stuart and likewise, there's nothing that Stuart wouldn't do for me. In fact, we've spent the majority of our friendship doing absolutely nothing for each other.

Our relationship can be summed up by something that happened when a small group of us went on a lad's holiday to Portugal where Stuart, being the tight-fisted man that he is, decided it'd be a great idea to buy a huge carton of wine for himself, costing something like 40 pence, to drink before our big night out. We were ready to hit the clubs hard and show the Portuguese babes how we single Yorkshire lads like to do things. Our best shirts were ironed and our smart shoes were polished…We were ready to go!

Approximately one hour later, at about 9pm, Stuart was bent over vomiting in a bush in the middle of the street. Obviously, as a close friend I was very, very worried for him so I did what anyone would do and left the drunken mess asleep, on his own, laid on a sea wall as we went off into the night… I've always got your back mate! I'd fully expect Stuart to do the same for me if I couldn't handle my cheap wine.

Being asked to be involved in this wonderful day has genuinely been a huge honour for me and seeing my best mate so happy with his beautiful new wife is something I won't forget. Thank you both for this and I genuinely mean that. I've spent a lot of time with you both and seen your relationship develop into what it is today. You really do make a fantastic couple and are made for each other. I can't wait to see how your married life unfolds.

I'm going to be really, really honest now – I never saw today coming and it's certainly one to remember for us all.… The day Stuart finally bought the drinks!

I'd like to ask the guests to stand at this point. Can I please ask all the males to raise their hands above their heads, palms facing each other, about 6 inches apart. Can I now please ask all the females to raise their hands above your heads but put your palms together. Now if you could all please smile like you've never smiled before…

(Take phone out and take pictures of the guests)

Those pictures are going to look like I received an incredible standing ovation!

If everyone could please remain on their feet –

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to raise your glasses to the new Mr & Mrs Jones – To a lifetime of love, joy and happiness!… To Stuart and Jane!

Thank you everyone and enjoy the rest of the day!