Speech by Stuart Barnes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Barnes
Speech Date: Jun2007
…..It takes one to know one Dan.

Bride and Bride Groom, Ladies and Gentlemen,

Every now and then we have the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honour, a man of achievement and action, with penetrating intellect and who is obviously destined for better things…

…but not today though, because this speech is about Dan.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Dan for his kind words – I'm sure you will all agree the bridesmaids all look wonderful and have done a great job, so thank you……they are only eclipsed by Tash, who looks amazing.

….and Dan, I hope you made the most of your speech….now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 2 minutes without being interrupted!

So what can I say about Dan…bring out bit of paper from pocket

He's Handsome
Bronzed
Funny
Hunky

Err, err…

…Sorry Dan, what's that say, I can't read your writing. Oh, yeah ‘good in bed’, sorry.

Dan was born in 1979 YMCA was the top-selling song of the year. Anyone who has seen Dan on site with his tool-belt and high-vis jacket will know the heavy influence that this had on him.

Dan and I met at school.

Dan would admit he wasn't the best of students. By the time he was 14, his parents were getting very concerned about his performance – he wasn't just falling behind, he was getting lapped!

To illustrate this, I contacted Wye Valley School and asked if they had any of Dan's old reports. After a bit of digging about they managed to find one.

I read it and was actually quite surprised – it said “Dan is an ideal pupil who excels in most subjects”…..but on second reflection I realise it now said “Dan is an idol pupil who's been expelled in most subjects”.

I have the very report here, subject-by-subject…bring out folder and papers

CDT: Although very keen, Daniel has a problem telling the differences between inches and millimetres.

RE: Daniel has a very poor understanding of religion, although fellow students think he is somewhat of a God: he was rarely seen or heard and if he does any work it is a miracle.

Music: Daniel takes a very hands-on approach to music but I wish he would play in a band rather than with himself.

Dan and I have been mates every since those school days and have spent our formative years at each other sides. When we left school, we used to go and watch bands at the White Horse, and get drunk. When England should have won in 1996, we drowned our sorrows together, and got drunk. When I went to Uni, Dan used to come over to see me, and we'd get drunk. We have been away on several trips across Europe, on which we got drunk. We meet up at weekends, and get drunk. I go round Dan's house and we get drunk. And tonight, I have the feeling we may get drunk.

In fact, Dan has secret talent that he has been hiding: he is a magician. Every time we walk down Wycombe High Street, he turns into a pub.

In all honesty, I am really really honoured to be Dan's best man. He is like a brother to me, my best mate. He has always been there for me, always willing to help me, always there is I need a chat and a beer. You couldn't meet a nicer bloke. We've been through a lot together and it means the world to me to be stood here today.

In finding Tash, Dan has found a real gem. Tash is also very good friend of mine, she is funny, vibrant, a beautiful young lady. What you have together is something very special. You are very lucky to have found each other, to share your life together. I know you'll make each other happy, and you both deserve all the happiness you get.

As many of you will know, in April we went on the Stag Do to Krakow, in Poland….in well-honoured tradition I am not going to say much here, suffice to say that I can assure you all that he was in bed nice and early and slept like a baby….well, he wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his Mummy.

I wanted to tell you bloodcurdling tales about the stag night– the drunkenness, the club sandwiches, the blue flashing lights, all that sort of thing.

But.… as the court case is come up on Monday, I'm not allowed to.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Ushers, Gareth and Colin, for their help today, and Gareth has asked me to tell everyone that if anyone is up for it, he is going clubbing later.

I have received some cards for the happy couple that I'd like to read…

The first is from the El Dorado Suites hotel in Riviera Maya, Mexico, where you will be spending your honeymoon. It reads…

‘Congratulations to you both on this special day. We very much look forward to making your stay a special and memorable one. Don't sorry if there is some delay on your arrival, we are putting something on for you…..the roof.’

The next one has been sent from Narnia and reads…

‘Dear Dan and Tash, congratulations! Have a wonderful day, lots of love from Aslan, The White Witch, Mr Tumnus and The Beavers’.

Before I make the Toast, I do have one final duty – a few words of wisdom for Dan about the years ahead:

Always remember those 3 little words that are the key to a long and happy marriage… ”You're right Tash”!

Remember that there are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering, torturing and enduring.

Remember the words of Oscar Wilde: The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

Remember that married life can be compared to football. Be fully committed every week and make sure you score every weekend. Change ends at half time and put your tackle into hard or you might injure yourself. However, Tash assures me that playing away from home, will result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way to get on the transfer list.

And finally, some advice for tonight. In the word's of the great Winston Churchill….‘be hard, stay firm, and do not withdraw’.
Now, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding, raise you glasses and join me in a toast to Dan and Tash:

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever

And may you grow old on one pillow

Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Mr and Mrs Cottrell, Daniel and Natasha!