Speech by Stuart Gibbs

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Gibbs
Speech Date: sep 2003
Thank you very much, how the hell am I gonna follow that….… you tosser.

I did ask for a microphone but the funds ran out so I will have to shout. Can you hear me Colin (shouting), can you hear me Gary (shouting louder)

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and Faye.
I am, as just announced, the Best Man. For those who don't know me, my full name is Stuart Wouldu likeadrink. I would prefer it if you use my full name at all times.
I hope you're all having a good time, and enjoyed the service and proceedings so far.
I have to say, I thought the service was very touching, in fact it was so emotional that even the cake is in tiers !!! (Wave “laugh” sign)

Well this cant be a long speech, because the others dragged on for so long, !!! So it's a good job I've only made a few notes (drop the neatly folded paper all the way down to the floor)

I must start by saying thank you to Kieron, on behalf of the bridesmaids (who look stunning) , and myself, for his kind words. Thanks to you both for my lovely gift (hip flask), it comes in handy for times like these. (Use the hip flask nervously)

I must also thank Kieron for asking me to be his best man. I expect the main reason he asked me, was to make himself look better in the pictures.
I must admit though, I was worried when he asked me, cos it's like being asked to sleep with the queen , although it's a great honour, no-one really wants to do it !!

We can all see for ourselves how gorgeous Nikki looks today, as always, which proves that Kieron is a man of vision. Admittedly it's mostly blurred or double, but still, he is a man of vision.

Isn't it amazing, it's only a few years since Nikki's mum was sending her to bed with a dummy. Look, she's still going to bed with one!!!

I remember talking to Nikki when first introduced. She told me that the first time she laid eyes on Kieron, she thought he was handsome from afar. But today she said to me that she now thought he looked far from handsome.

Well, 7th June 1973 was the date that that this man was born. He was very nearly called Tuesday, because Barry took one look at him and said to Janet “right that's it, let's call it a day”

(Kieron interrupts, and says I knew those crackers wouldn't go to waste)

Kieron shares his birth year with a few interesting facts.

VAT was first introduced to Britain, and since then, like Kieron, it keeps on going up.
The disposable lighter was invented (probably with Kieron in mind)
And finally, Trevor McDonald was the first black newscaster in Britain. Bonggg.
And that was the news from 1973.

Kieron wasn't very old when he made his first big mistake….he started supporting Nottingham Forest. In the past, he's vowed to model himself on his hero, Brian Clough. So watch out Nikki in a few years time he will have a very red face and be a member of the non-Roadside AA.
Believe it or not there was a period in Kieron's life, when he actually gave up the hard juice for orange juice. This was after one particularly heavy Christmas Eve. By all accounts he woke up on the big day, under the toilet in a right state. I reckon he found some nice presents under there!
That tee-totalness didn't last long cos he got fed up driving everyone about.
Since then, for a while, he appeared to try and break the record for the most Jack Daniel's in one night. I think 16 was his record, and at about 3.00 am he appeared outside mine looking like he was doing the Lambeth Walk. I got the bucket ready. It was needed.

I know I should be providing more scandal, on Kieron, but unfortunately for two reasons, today I can't say too much because:
1) Nikki has banned me, and
2) We need to be finished by 1 am, so we haven't got time.
Therefore, I have had it published in this 656 page paperback, called “Kieron, The Wild Years”.
(Show a book with a made up cover on it!)
It's available in all good bookshops priced at £5.95, it's worth a read!
However that picture on the front is “Scandalous”.

The one story of thousands I think I can mention is known as “The Wall”.
Myself, Kieron and Robert here, had enjoyed the standard heavy evening, culminating in a trip to the Ocean Rooms. We had the usual no success with girls and staggered back to Robs mums house for a game of football with an orange, and a singalong to “Fairytale of New York”. After this it was clear to see that Kieron was buzzing, and upon leaving, as I was standing behind Rob's wall saying my good byes, Kieron decided to mount me from behind in a kind of playful sexual way. This was a big mistake as this pushed me against the wall, and the entire structure collapsed leaving me on top of it, and him on top of me. Rob was shocked. Eventually, after we stopped laughing, at about 3.00am, we decided to try and repair the wall to avoid Rob's dad noticing the “minor” damage. It was like doing a jigsaw bought from a cheap shop, nothing fitted together. We gave up after about 30 minutes, and feared the consequences. To this day, Rob's dad thinks that Rob broke the wall trying to hurdle it. I can't believe he fell for that one !!!!!

Moving on, Kieron will be relieved that I am not going to tell the story about the £80 Benidorm phone call to a girl in England. All I can remember is those immortal words he muttered. “The best bit is, it was an incoming call so I wont have to pay a penny”. Wrong!!!!!

It would be fair to say, there are 5 loves in Kieron's life. Nikki, Beer, Brian Clough, Ray Floyd and Terry Griffiths, although not necessarily in that order. What an orgy that would be !!!!!

Talking about Nikki, I have to say Kieron, you're a very lucky guy marrying her. She deserves a good husband, it's just a shame you got to her before she had a chance to find one. What I can't understand is, that if I am the BEST MAN, how come she is marrying you !!!

Well finally (thank god, I hear you say), it's advice time.
I was gonna try and get some advice for Nikki from some of Kieron's former girlfriends, but unfortunately they were all culled in the last outbreak of foot and mouth, so that idea went up in smoke.

Anyway i've got some advice of my own for you both..…
It is important that you both try and get on with your mother in law. I didn't speak to mine for 18 months. It's not that we didn't get on, it's just that I couldn't get a word in edgeways.

Never go to bed angry…..always stay up and argue.

You may have exchanged rings today, but there are more than 2 rings in a relationship. There is Suffering, Enduring and Torturing.

Kieron..finally I say to you. The best way to remember your anniversary, is to forget it once !!!

Don't worry everyone ive almost finished!!!

Ive got some messages here……

Sorry I couldn't make it today, hope you have a special day, ive sent u a present, it's a PERKY COPULATOR, sorry, I mean a COFFEE PERCULATOR. And that's from Russell Hobbs

To Kieron, you bastard we could have been so good together, love Camilla Parker Bowles

To Nikki, to me you were more than a Holiday romance, love Brad Pitt

To Kieron, remember our great pool party, best wishes mate, from Michael Barrymore

Ladies and Gentlemen, there are two very important people here today, who we wouldn't be without. At some stage today we will be with them, sharing this special day. Will you all stand and raise your glasses to …..THE BAR STAFF !!!

Seriously, on a more sincere note.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their special day, and It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Kieron and Nikki.
To Kieron and Nikki, we wish you many many more special days !!!!

Before I finish, stay up.…
For all those who are still awake, I would like to raise a toast to those who cant be with us today….to it's to absent friends.

That's it from me, thank you very much.