Speech by Stuart Gowing

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Gowing
Speech Date: Sep 2008
Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Paul an uncomfortable few minutes it is part of the official duty of the best man to thank the bridesmaids, for having them play a part of this really special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job. Indeed they are only eclipsed by Lou herself, who, I””m sure you””ll all agree, looks absolutely stunning. Paul on the other hand just looks stunned !

So Paul and Lou you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Paul couldn't have done any better and Lou couldn't have done any worse.

It is with great pride that I take on this role as best man today. When I first started donating ٟ a month to the albinos with freckles charity a few years ago, I received a photograph and regular updates about Paul, but I didn't imagine that I would have the honour of one day being his best man.

I think all went well getting Paul prepared for this big day. I made sure that he was properly dressed and arrived here sober and on time. My one disappointment would have to be failing to arrange his last request as a single man.
Unfortunately due to very strong protests from the &quotDo-gooders&quot at the Sheep Welfare Council they wouldn””t allow us to let it happen.

Paul and I have known each other for many years, but it may surprise some of you that we didn't always get on – I remember times back then when I would call Paul ”ginger moron”, he would call me ”lightweight”, and we would both run home crying to our mums. But sure enough, the next day, Paul would email me from work and we would make up.

In fact Paul and I never knew each other as children and some of you who have never met me before have asked how Paul and I actually met one another. Well, I can tell you Paul and I actually used to work together several years ago. When Paul first joined the company he had a very interesting dress sense and being the young, impressionable person I was back then, I looked upon Paul and his dedicated pursuit of fashion and decided to copy him. I did have to give that up after a while though, as my mother eventually got fed up of me stealing clothes out of her wardrobe.

Having met Paul later in life, I realized I knew little about his childhood growing up, so I thought it best to ask around to see what some of Paul`s friends and family would say about him: Apparently he was a very ugly baby, so ugly in fact that Linda only had morning sickness after he was born. It's also true that Paul's grandmother used to knit him full face balaclavas from an early age.

I tried to find someone to give kind honest words to describe Paul, but was finding it ever more difficult. When I heard belligerent, lazy, stubborn and obstinate I thought hang on that's a bit rough maybe not entirely untrue but certainly a bit unnecessary for a best mans speech …..but if his parents don't know him then who does.

I””ve spoken to some of Paul””s current work mates who tell me that his nickname at work is ””The God””. Apparently that's because no one ever see him and if he does do any work it””s usually a bloody miracle. His colleagues at Coutts also described him as a first class BANKER – although I may have misheard them.

So its fair to say it has been a struggle to find some nice words about Paul from people that know him. However one person came up trumps.and when describing him – said he was handsome, funny, thoughtful, caring &amp best of all ginger. Those words were of course from the new Mrs Franks.
Whilst we're on the subject of Lou, naturally I knew little of her upbringing either, but funnily enough I was speaking to Colin and Sue earlier today and they were telling me of how, as a baby, they used to send Lou to bed with a dummy… now 27 years later, history repeats itself.

But Paul is no dummy, indeed he has done very well for himself financially over the years, but that only makes up part of the persona and it hasn't gone un-noticed that he isn't very keen to part with his hard earned cash. I can prove this to you ladies and gentleman – later on tonight, when the music starts if you watch carefully, you might get to see Paul's &quottrademark&quot limbo dance. He learnt it trying to get into the pay toilets at Kings Cross station.

Neither can it be said that Paul is an impatient man, having taken what feels like an eternity to pop the question. Lou once told me she was more hopeful of receiving her bus pass or a birthday letter from the queen before Paul made a marriage proposal.

Paul's other interests include going to concerts with myself, though don't ask him who he's been to see as he usually gets so drunk, he has no idea and probably couldn't tell you. He is also a keen film fan, and you only need look at his DVD collection at home to see such titles as Shaving Private Ryan, Starfish Troopers and my personal favourite of his – Good Will Humping.

I'm going to give Paul a short respite however just to tell you a little about the stag do. When Paul first asked me to be his best man, he very quickly indicated that he'd like the stag do to be in las vegas – the party capital of the world. It was also decided very quickly that those brave enough to partake in such a trip would make the journey dressed as none other than the king of las vegas – elvis presley. This was initially received with a marked level of scepticism amongst some of the travelling stags but Paul and I were insistent that this is how it was to be. However, by the time the stag do came around Chris and Jon had warmed to the idea so much that upon being presented with their elvis costumes, set about tearing their clothes off to reveal so much naked flesh that it would have put most homo-erotic movies to shame. Upon arriving at Gatwick, we were bowled over by how many other people travelling wanted to speak to us and have their photographs taken with us. And it didn't stop there as the flight crew on our plane were also very impressed to see our fancy dress and even encouraged our elvis songs on the flight over. Paul kindly repaid their generosity to us by helping in handing out choc ices to the other passengers. Being a stag do we wasn't slow in taking advantage of the free alcoholic beverages that virgin offer on their flights. Having drunk them dry of beer, wine, whisky, vodka and brandy however we were posed with a dilemma. No problem thought Paul, who successfully negotiated our entrance into the premium class cabin where we traded wine for photos with the flight crew, even including the captain. Upon reaching vegas we continued to wear various different parts of our elvis regalia throughout the trip, and gained attention pretty much wherever we went, and I think I can safely say on behalf of everyone who went, we had a fantastically memorable time.

For those of you expecting outrageous stories about Paul's past, the truth is I was with him for most of them and I wouldn't want to ruin my impeccable reputation.

I have a few messages here that I need to read out to you both:-

To Paul we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.

Dear Lou It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married.
From Brad Pitt

Dear Paul, congratulations on getting married and winning our big spender of the month award! From all the girls at spearmint rhino.

There is also a card from the guys at the Cheshunt Rugby club. It says, ”Paul was useless in all positions but we hope Lou has more luck with him later” not sure what that means but anyway.

Joking aside, I'd like to say how sincerely pleased I am that you have finally tied the knot. I know I have told you many times, but once more wont hurt – &quotyou are my rock&quot and I cant begin to imagine a world where you two are not together and blissfully happy. I myself am about a million miles away from ever being married, and to see the two of you together, makes me believe that true love really can be found. Just look at them, their love still seems so pure and simple, Lou so pure, Paul so simple.

Finally, I have to traditionally offer Paul some advice. So, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell tail signs in your relationship….like if you see that the milkman's wearing your socks .Or the postman starts calling round on a Sunday.

Paul, I””d like to leave you with this single piece of advice and I've researched this and as far as I can see it's true. My advice is, always help Lou with jobs around the house. It””s in your best interest. Apparently, there has never been one recorded case in history, where a wife has shot her husband, while he was doing the washing up.

Ladies and gentleman would you please raise your glasses for the adorable bride and groom Paul and Lou.