Speech by Stuart Mack

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Mack
Speech Date: 24/10/2013 12:23:38

 Ladies, gentlemen, friends and freeloaders.  

Firstly, I would like to thank my parents Robert and Christine and especially Jack and Cath for putting today together and also Jack and Malcolm for their words,              

I'm sure you'll both be disappointed to get that part of the day over and done with!          

I would also like to extend their gratitude to you all you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of Malcolm and Amy here today.  I'm sure you've all had a great afternoon and are now looking forward to what promises to be a great night!  I would like to repeat Malcolm's earlier words by saying how beautiful the brides maids look, only outdone by the blushing bride herself…..well she's not blushing yet…..give it a minute! 

A few apologies to begin with……not anyone that couldn't make it, mum/grannies….I'm sorry

We do actually have a few apologies (read out cards)

Now as we all know it's customary for the best man to ridicule, slate and all round embarrass the groom, and Malcolm….I'm afraid, who am I to break with tradition!

I've also been told a best mans speech should last as long as the groom does in bed, at this point the best man would usually sit down however as Malcolm is a Mack and from the best of stock…..I'd make yourself comfortable.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Stuart, Malcolm's brother….I know what you're thinking……..Twins!  No I am Malcolm's brother, you'll see the resemblance I share with my sister Fiona and the rest of the family, Malcolm however being a throw back to some dim distant hairy past.    

 Actually on that I do have one further apology here…….apparently the postie from Caithness is sorry he couldn't make it but wishes you both all the best for the future!!

Before getting in to the speech properly I should really thank my lucky stars I'm here to speak at all..… Yes, thanks to Malcolm I had a near death experience about 20 years ago.  Malcolm, as was quite common at the time, was out playing cowboys and Indians in the shed.  I thought I'd better go and get him as there was some important farm work to be getting on with.  I went for a wander and found him knee deep in a pile of grain, air rifle in hand.

(yes its that story, sorry mum…I wouldn't worry, social services won't bother after 20 years) 

Anyway, it soon became apparent that I made a far better Indian then the imaginary ones Malcolm often conversed with.  The bugger took aim,  I legged it and then, bang, yip straight into the back of my knee. 

Now Malcolm to this day said it was my fault and that I ran into the bullet……by bullet, it was actually a bit of barley, we'll gloss over that point, but I'm fairly sure he knew what he was doing.  Anyway, a night in hospital with key hole surgery and I was grand.  Malcolm still has a hand print across his backside and the rifle was never seen again. 

As you can see, growing up with Malcolm was never easy – besides his continual bed wetting, wearing dresses and terrorising the sheep he was also the arty, musical brother, they often all go hand in hand. 

He was however, I'm afraid to say, not half bad at rugby.  One of the few occasions we both played together was when playing for Dingwall Academy against Millburn in Inverness.  Our then rugby coach Steve Gaffeney had forgotten to pick the strips up from the laundrette but did have the keys to the art department….a place my brother knew well….anyway, skip forward an hour and the site of an entire rugby team running out in old, dress shirts, MOST OF WHICH only with 2 or 3 buttons AND ALL OF WHICH covered with paint met our opposition.  Needless to say, the false sense of security worked as we beat them.  I kept an eye on my skinny big bro and made sure he didn't make too much of an arse of things!

Now there are a few other stories I could go into from the school days, including the alley way beside club zone in Dingwall and how those front teeth came to be, but I'll save them for whoever wants to buy me a drink at the bar after!  I better skip forward a few years now to when he had moved away from the farm and was slowly getting to grips with the bed wetting. 

Now this would be a customary point for a few references to his X girlfriends, however as I am under strict orders from Amy not to bring them up I thought I'd better make it brief…Sorry Amy, you need to throw a few in!! 

As I am more familiar with making rugby speeches I've put it in terms I'm more accustomed to, a league table no less!

In the early days, through school and the like, it would be safe to say Malcolm was languishing well down the leagues, a few horrors, however now I am sure you'll all agree he's sitting top of the table! 

Automatic promotion was available on the stag do however as a testament to the man he never played that game! ….Jaff on the other hand, league and cup double, fair play to ya!

Actually while we're on about it, now that Malcolm is officially taken and off the market,

I'm right in saying that Malcolm? Could I please ask all those here today who might have a key to his flat to bring them up as you'll clearly no longer be needing them

Let me just grab my bowl here (pick up bowl) Come on now, don't be shy….he's told me the stories.

Wow….I think we'd all agree there was a few surprises there!!!!  No need to change the locks at least.

Anyway…I suppose I better get back to the speech

So Malcolm was off to Edinburgh.  Living away from home for so long has meant I‘ve had to ask a few of the fellow stag doers for some stories of his antics, which takes me back to the earlier incontinence problem.  After a night of heavy drinking and starting street brawls…..

Amy went to meet Malcolm at the pub.  Unfortunately HE WAS AS drunk AS SHE and the pair took off back to the flat.  On the way home Malcolm felt that familiar twinge and so went to relieve himself, and luckily enough there was a car parked to help him balance. 

He unzipped, steadied himself on the car bonnet and…..started!  At this point the headlights came on and the 2 policemen stepped out of the unmarked police car, caught him red handed and issued the fine. 

Just as well they hadn't looked in the mirror and seen Amy squatting behind the boot!

All that's really left for me to say is to welcome Amy to the family!

The pair of you have come along away since the first night, when you met outside that chip shop on Leith walk, Malcolm offered you his sausage, not realising you were of course a vegetarian, and low and behold we're all sat here today.  You've now dropped the Gillespie surname, a name associated with many famous high achievers such as

Alistair Gillespie a famous American politician born in 1922

John H Gillespie a famous American evolutionary Bioloigist

And the American Lobbyist Ed Gillespie             –          a special thanks to Wikipedia!

And you're now a Mack, A name associated with a rain coat, a large burger and the song ‘Return of the Mack’….where he went I don't know.

Get used to that song being sung to you and  whenever your giving your details over the phone the question, Mack what?

All jokes and embarrassing stories aside…..Malcolm has been a great big bro to me over the years, I am sure the constant batterings I took as wee fella were really for my own good…..to toughen me up.  

He's looked out for me on countless occasions and always been there for me when I needed him, and if I'm being quite honest I'm fairly jealous of his abilities with a guitar.  This has been without doubt one of the proudest days of my life and, I'm sure you'll be delighted to hear, it leaves me with only one more thing to say:

(Pick up glass)

So, if you'd all stand, as we toast….the BRIDE AND GROOM.