Speech by Stuart Monger

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Monger
Speech Date: Jul 2002
The reply

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank P for his kind words, and in turn, would like to thank Jo and Claire for looking gorgeous and doing a great job – think you'll all agree.

The Intro

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen!

A contradiction in terms though it is, P and M have asked me to be "Best Man" – so for those that don't know me, I'm Stuart.

I realised that standing in front of you all would be a little scary, so I prepared a few lines. Now I've snorted them, I feel MUCH BETTER !

I'm only going to talk for a few minutes because of my throat.… M has threatened to cut it !

P – aka STONKA

P was born on 22nd November 1972. A great year for producing short blonde blokes – other 1972 Blonde dwarves include :

Me, obvously
Eminem
Keith Chegwin

anyway, I digress. I thought I'd take a look to see if anything interesting, (and hopefully funny) happened on 22nd November. I wish I hadn't of bothered…

1963 JOHN F. KENNEDY ASSASSINATED:
1718 Blackbeard killed
1988 Stealth bomber unveiled…
1990 Margaret Thatcher resigns…

School

I first met P at school, when we were 15. As I remember, P had a tight perm, which was bleached blonde – ponce ! The combination of his 80’s barnet and cheeky smile, made him a hit with the ladies – er, well – girls.

By the time he was 16, Linda and Ron became concerned about his performance at school…..He wasn't just falling behind, he was being lapped!

When friends asked them what they thought P would be after he left school, they used to say; “About Thirty Five!” <<Give Linda and Ron the answer>>

I managed to get my hands on some of Ps’ old school reports :

Maths : Although very keen, P has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres! M tells me he still has the same problem to this day!
Religious education: P's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
Sports: P has a great love of football but unfortunately he is useless in most positions. Well, no change there then!
Music: P got on very well with his music teacher Ms Beaver. And one of his last reports at school read: “P takes a very hands on approach to music, but I'd wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than with himself”.

During school, P was Christened "STONKA". Why ? I'll let you work that out for yourselves …

The meaning of STONKA

Here's an excerpt from the English Dictionary…(thought I'd give you all the variants…) – no really – this is true !!…

stonk•er
an excellent example of something, often something impressively large or powerful ! M ? COMMENTS ?

stonk
to bombard: to subject something, to a heavy artillery bombardment ! How could ladies defend themselves against such an attack !

stonkered
1. exhausted, defeated, or out of action
2. dead drunk: extremely intoxicated

So, as you can see, it's a very fitting alias.

Competitiveness

As some of you know, P's always been very competitive – and enjoys a challenge – which is just as well! He sucessfully completed the London Marathon in [35 from Linda & Ron] hours. Could have done it quicker – but he did stop several times to do his hair !

P also competed in the ToughGuy 2000 contest – basically lots of sweaty, burly men chasing each other through pipes. I think things must have been particulary hard at home ! Either that, or there's something P's not telling us ! Too late to come out of that closet now !!!

So, all in all, P has been training for this day – to take on M!

The Stag

I'm sure you all want to hear about the Stag do .… a quiet weekend in Edinburgh … lets just say that I've never seen so many Hen's – but I'm sure they've seen more cocks ! Can I say that ? Oh well !

I thought long and hard how to describe the Stag do to you – and realised that I just couldn't. So, I took the liberty of creating a scale model of events.

Toastmaster – could you bring the model please !

So, let me talk you through events. We were all out for a stroll, looking for the local antiques fair. All of a sudden, (and to our disgust), a semi naked woman began beckoning us. Clearly, we were all very excited … about getting to the antiques fair… so didn't really want to waste time with semi naked ladies. Being kind spirited lads, and due to the fact that she looked like she needed someone to talk to, we decided to pop in for a quick cup of tea before our antiques fair.

I believe Steve & Chris went in search of tea – handed over some cash – and thats when it happened. The innocent Stonka was dragged (kicking and screaming) onto a stage, with a shiny pole. Here's where my words fail, and must resort to a graphic demonstration of events.

[Unveil model]
[DJ : (If present) – Please start the porno music]

Poledancing STONKA!

Cards

Finally, I'd like to read some messages…

Mr. & Mrs. Norman
To the new Mr. & Mrs. Norman; again the Norman's have conquered! For anyone that has known P for some time, you might remember the answering machine message that he made to a similar theme; today he has been much more successful. So where do I start? That is a good question and I know that a lot of you will know where to start but that would be inappropriate! P's antics are unprecedented.
It is with deep regret that both Nancy and I are not with you today; it has been a tough decision not to come but our hearts and thoughts are with you at this special time. I will be having a couple of Richard's Red's in celebration of the big day.
I will keep this short as I know Monger will have rattled on for too long at this stage and probably has a 2 hour long PowerPoint presentation to be viewed afterwards.
Congratulations, we wish you both the best for your new life together and hope that the miles between us lessen over time. Here's to seeing you very soon and wishing you every happiness in the years to come.
Love P and Nancy.
I just have one request to the rest of the table over there (point out to the crew) make sure you all have at least 1 extra drink for me tonight! See you soon. P.

The Toast

Traditionally, the best man passes on a piece of advice about wedded life. Not sure I'm qualified, but I've done my research. I've left an envelope on your tables, that you can study, after I've run to the bar.

I will pass one thing, that most of the married men in this room will all have learnt themselves. The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.

I am very proud to be best man today.

I have no doubt that the love they share will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

This wedding is a testament to that love, as P and M start their new life; if you would all be upstanding.

To the Bride and Groom : The new Mr & Mrs Norman !