Speech by Stuart Morrison

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Morrison
Speech Date: May 2002
I was asked earlier on if I was nervous to which I responded "well yes just a wee bit". To which I'm grateful ’cause the person in question gave me some advice. Which was that try to imagine the audience either in the nude or sitting on the toilet. (Look around) one of these days my imagination is going to get me into serious trouble.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because I fear for my throat…if I go on too long the bride has threatened to cut it.

When the groom asked me to be his best man, Several thoughts went through my head.

· What had I done to be blessed with such an honour · Who had dropped out at the last minute · Had all his other friends left the country and · could I say no and still get an invite to the wedding, but more importantly the reception

the groom being the good friend that he is said "don't worry about it, look I've got you a book". Yea thanks the groom you obviously didn't read it yourself. I got as far as page 13 and I quote… " Maintaining a clear head during the wedding celebrations is vital for the Bestman. You should remain sober. " (Throw book away).

However duty bound, I proceeded to investigate what this role entails in a book entitled "The best man's checklist" however this only led to me being mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:

1 first of all I was to help the groom to dress- thanks but no thanks, if he hasn't learned by now…

2 Ensure the groom: uses the toilet – nah!

3 His shoes are tied – check

4 His face and hair are in order (Well if God didn't put them in order the first time round, what hope do I have?)

5 Nothing is between his teeth (or should that be his ears?)

6 That his trouser flies are done up (mmm perhaps his mum should be best man)

I have known the groom since he was this high. No, I have not just met him in reception. I have known him for fifteen years or more. I have known the bride for about five years…it just feels like fifteen. I hope the bride will get used to the groom's eating habits as they can drive you to distraction. – I remember once we were in "PIZZA HUT", we ordered pizza – the waiter served us and asked the groom if he would like his pizza cut in four pieces or eight pieces, the groom replied " Cut it in four pieces, I don't think I could manage eight"…

I guess I have always been a forward thinker. I knew the cold war had to end, that Nelson Mandella would be freed one day and the Berlin wall would fall, but I never thought that the groom would get married. I recall years ago him saying that he would never marry, but if he did he would marry a woman with small feet. "Why small feet?" I asked. " So she can get closer to the sink" he answered.

the groom is known for his two left feet concerning his dancing abilities especially when we were on holiday in Ibiza. The lovely liquor persuaded him that it would be a good idea to dance the foxtrot with a lamppost, as I shall just prove to you all. (show a blown up picture of him asking the lamppost to dance) Anyone wishing a closer look can find this picture and others on www.the groom.com.

the groom is a very competitive person, which springs to mind the holiday in Cyprus. On this occasion we managed to stay out the pub and ended up playing a game of football with other drunken bums. the groom playing in his favoured defensive position and his phrase "NONE SHALL PASS" still rings in my ears. I was fortunate enough to be in the opposing team. I playing in goal managed to make a clearing punt up the field to which my fellow team mate gathered up by bringing down on one knee. Then proceeded to do some shimmying, then nutmeg the groom and left him standing in a daze and proceeded to score a spectacular goal in the top right hand corner. How much smaller did he feel that day? Now you maybe thinking nothing unusual there then. But, I failed to tell you the player played professional football for Southampton Ladies.

Ah the football. Now those of you who know the groom he is a Rangers fan. Well someone has to be. But it wasn't so in his early years. He was an Aberdeen fan during their golden years. the groom said it was because they play fantastic football but listening to his mum going on about how he always love to wear his favourite woolly jumpers I have my suspicions.

Love, however, would finally catch up with the groom. For it was in the year after the holiday in Cyprus that the groom bought his first Playstation. This led to the need to move in with someone who he could easily beat, and so he and the bride got their first place together. Its been great to see their relationship grow, as I have been privileged to be a regular guest, coincidentally, usually just when the groom has mastered his latest game… the groom has always been truly devastating in competition, just as long as he keeps the odds in his favour, and his hand on the reset button.

It is fair to say that there are 3 loves in the groom's life:

the bride, BEER AND FOOD (though not necessarily in that order).

His idea of a balanced diet is a BIGMAC in each hand!

And when asked about coq – au – vin he thought it meant sex in a lorry!

the groom has always been one for the ladies and was lucky that his dad taught him about the birds and the bees! He went steady with a woodpecker for 5 years!

At the stag do whilst having a few colas. I asked him, what he was looking for in marriage; he said love, happiness and eventually a family. I have asked the bride the same question, to which she replied…A TOASTER!

the groom, this is indeed the happiest day of your life, well at least that's what the bride told me earlier, and so it should be, for you have just married a beautiful, humorous and dedicated lady, who's also a great cook. the bride, well, you've just married this… (Show a large blown up picture of the groom when he was very drunk and looking very silly).

I have a few words of wisdom I'd like to pass on. the groom the key to a long and happy marriage is to remember those three little words; Yes my dear!

Now for the cards and telegrams:

On behalf of the Bridesmaids and not forgetting the wonderful flower girl I would like to thank the groom for his kind words. As I'm sure you would agree that they have done a wonderful job by diverting the wandering eyes from all those prying bachelors eyes.

Now finally as you will all be happy to hear I'm coming to an end, none more so than me I would like to take this opportunity to wish the groom and the bride all the best for years to come and no doubt that there will be many more adventures to come in your lives. So if you all can be upstanding and charge your glasses to toast the groom and the bride.