Speech by Stuart Rolinson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Rolinson
Speech Date: 23/04/2012 09:53:38

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, for those who don't know me, my name is Stuart, thats short for..… ‘whatwouoldyouliketodrinkstuart’, and anyone who wants to say hello to me at the bar later…….I will insist that you use my full name!!!

I am more than a bit nervous about doing a speech, but I would like to say…… everyone here can rest assured….unlike most traditional best man speeches….which are full of sexual innuendo I have promised Mark and Bridget that if there is anything even slightly risque…….I'll whip it out immediately!!!

Talking of nerves…..this is the FIFTH time today that I have stood up from a WARM SEAT with a piece of paper in my hand!!!!

Mark insisted that I followed as many wedding day traditions and customs as possible….in my role as best man……..so the first custom I will adhere to is.… making sure my speech lasts the same length of time the groom makes love for on his wedding night……so…[ LOOK AT WATCH ] I've already over run…[RAISE GLASS]…the bride and groom!!! [SIT DOWN]

Just joking….I'm not going to speak for too long though….[COUGH]…because of my throat..[COUGH]…..because if I'm up here too long…Bridget has threatened to slit it!!!———————————————————————————————————————-At this point in the assassinasion…..I mean SPEECH….I must point out about 10 mins before we started Bridget gave me a list of DO's and DONT's that she would like me to stick to ……

1 – DONT mention any ex-girlfriends [ THROW AWAY ONE CARD ]

2 – DONT swear [ THROW AWAY ONE CARD ]

3 – DONT tell any rude jokes [ THROW AWAY ONE CARD ]

4 – DONT tell any lies [ THROW AWAY ONE CARD ]

5 – DO tell positive stories about Mark [ THROW AWAY THREE CARDS ]

Seriously I would like to thank Mark for his kind words on behalf of everyone here today…..I feel everyone here looks great and has made a huge effort ………..Only being outdone by the bride herself…..Bridget……who looking absolutely STUNNING……..Mark on the other hand…..… just looks STUNNED!!!!

As well as this speech….my job today…….… was to get Mark here

1 – ON TIME2 – SOBER…….and3 – LOOKING GOOD

Well 2 out of 3 aint bad………….I'm a best man not a PLASTIC SURGEON!!!!

As a best man, I am supposed to sing Marks PRAISES and tell you how GREAT he is……..but I CANT SING ……..and I WONT LIE!!!!!—————————————————————————————————————In all the years I have known Mark, no one has ever questioned his INTELLIGENCE……in fact……..no one has even mentioned it!!!

I will give you an idea of what I mean….his Mom tells me that he was a slow starter……at playschool…….… he was different from all the other 5 year olds………….he was 11 !!!!!!

I remember a time we were in PIZZA HUT….the waitress asked Mark if he wanted his pizza cut into 4 pieces or 8 pieces………he said………you better make it 4…..I don't think I could manage 8!!!!

When Mark asked me to be his best man……..it was like being asked to sleep with the Queen…….a great honour….but nobody really wants to do it!!!!!

But I said yes and then immediately started to worry about the speech……so……I looked on the internet for ideas…….with resouorces at my fingertips I began GOOGLING away……..after a couple of hours I found some REALLY good stuff…………..but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for BEST MAN TIPS….and I had to delete the history off the computer before the wife got home!!!!————————————————————————————————————————–I really should say a few words about Mark and some of our shared experiences……..this does prove to be a bit of a problem as most of our experiences are basicly the same……..ie GOING OUT OF AN EVENING…….DRINKING LARGE AMOUNTS OF REAL ALE……….GETTING BLIND DRUNK……….EATING FRIED FOOD ON THE WAY HOME……..AND WAKING UP THE NEXT MORNING WITH LITTLE OR NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!!!…….in separate beds I may add………those rumours were never proven…….RIGHT MARK!!!!

If I go back to when I first met Mark…….it was the first day of senior school…….we were two nervous little kids in this massive intimidating BIG school………….we were in the playground talking about football…..then some older boy came up to us with a brick in his hand and a gormless expression on his face……and said……I am the wolves goalie eh i ???….say i am or this brick guz in yow face!!!!…….excuss the accent but this was the midlands……..Mark and I were terrified and said in unison…….yes you are the wolves goalie………The lad then just walked away……….… quite happy with our response……we just looked at each other in shock and then fell about laughing……or was it crying…..I can't remember!!!!……..we found out later that this boy was the school nutter known as MENTAL MICKEY……teachers can be so cruel can't they??!!

An early report from school said……Mark was an ideal pupil who excelled in every subject……….sorry that should have read……Mark was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from every subject!!!

In MATHS….Mark…..although keen…….did have a problem differentiating between INCHES and CENTIMETRES………..Bridget……….you have been warned!!!!!!!!

————————————————————————————————————————-

During our school days I always remember Mark being very well turned out……smart uniform………..shiny shoes……..and neat…well kept hair (long at the front and short at the back)……yes…he did have LOTS of hair back then……………I bet he wishes he kept some of it now!!!!!!!

And do you remember that 3/4 length BLACK leather COAT you wore all the time Mark??? He looked like a member of the GISTARPO….that combined with the long FLOPPY FRINGE forced me to refer to him as……… HERR FLICK!!!!!————————————————————————————————————————

Our main topic of conversation back then was football…..it still is infact…..Mark and I like most blokes…..… like to think of ourselves as a cross between John Motson and Jeff Stelling………but on the day of the 1998 FA cup final ARSENAL V NEWCASTLE…….we decided to bet on the game……..after discussing it at length……we worked out the most likely outcome would be ARSENAL 2 NEWCASTLE 0 with Alan Shearer to score first…….it was only when a girl who had no interest in football at all……… pointed out that ALAN SHEARER plays for NEWCASTLE …..so that bet was impossible……..we vowed then that maybe we were better off just watching the games from then on and saving our money..… and our dignity!!!!

I must take this oppertunity to warn Bridget…..that later on during your first dance….that (if you don't know already)….MARK CAN NOT DANCE!!!..… Now that not me being nasty or trying to embaress Mark…..its OFFICIAL!!!!….I will tell you what I mean….Mark and I went to a club in Croyden when he first moved down there…….’come down to Croyden he said’…..we'll have a great night out he said…..so I went down….but I wasn't counting on Marks dancing was I !!!!……..5 mins after getting into this club ( it was avout 5 past 10 I think)…the place was dead by the way……….there we were sipping our first drinks….watching the place slowly fill up….and moving to the the beat of the music……When this big….burly doorman tapped me on the shoulder and said…….you two will have to leave…when I asked why he said…..because your mate here is drunk!!! he isnt I said….we have only just got in here…….Yes he is he is SWAYING all over the place!!!…..but thats just how he dances I said…….He was having none of it….and suffice to say we were had to leave…….so it is OFFICIAL……we got thrown out of a club because MARK DANCES LIKE A DRUNK !!!

————————————————————————————————————————

So….Mark and Bridget….you've finally got married….for BETTER or for WORSE…….which is quite appropriate…as MARK……you couldn't have done any BETTER…………………….… ……………………and BRIDGET….you couldn't have done any WORSE!!!!!!!

Joking aside, I'd like to say how sincerly pleased I am that you two have tied the knot……I know I have told you before…but once more won't hurt…….MARK you are the best friend anyone could wish for and I can't imagine a world where you and BRIDGET aren't together and blissfully happy………..Just look at them [HAND GESTURE TOWARDS MARK AND BRIDGET]…….Their love seems so PURE and SIMPLE……….Bridget is PURE……….and Mark is…….SIMPLE!!!!

————————————————————————————————————————–

We're coming to the end of the speech now…….who said THANK GOD!!!

I just have to read out a couple of messages sent from people who couldn't make it today……….This one is from Marks first football team manager….’sorry I can't make to your special day Mark, but I hope Bridget has better results with you than I did……..because for me you were rubbish in every position!!!!!!

And this message reads… ‘We hope to keep in touch with Mark now that he is married, as he was our best ever customer……love from all the girls at Spearmint Rhinos!!!!

————————————————————————————————————————–

Mark….how lucky are you?…You leave here today GAINING a partner that is WARM, LOVING, CARING, FUNNY and who RADIATES KINDNESS wherever she goes!!!…………………………..and Bridget…….how lucky are you?…………….you leave here today having gained…………………………………….a beautiful dress and some flowers!!!!!

Having been married myself for nearly 11 years, I feel I can give Mark some advice…..remember…it doesn't matter how many times you change your job…you will always have the same BOSS!!!

There are 2 main secrets of a happy marrage….

1 – Whenever you're in the WRONG……….ADMIT IT!!!and….2 – Whenever you're in the RIGHT………SHUT UP!!!

———————————————————————————————————————

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE STANDING ……..RAISE YOUR GLASSES……..TO LOVE…….TO LAUGHTER…….TO A HAPPY EVER AFTER…………..THE BRIDE AND GROOM!!!!