Speech by Stuart Shepherd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Shepherd
Speech Date: oct 2003
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaid and pageboy I would like to thank Mark for his kind words. I have to agree they looked wonderful and have done an excellent job.

You may not be aware, that Theresa was under the impression that both Mark and I were wearing a standard morning suit for the wedding.

However, when we went to book the suits and looked through the brochure the page with the men wearing kilts jumped out at us.

This was followed by Mark stating that he IS the Scottish helicopter flying champion and had been to Edinburgh at least once. The decision was made.

When we stood waiting for Theresa to arrive, knowing that this would be the very first time she would actually know what Mark was wearing did fill us with a great deal of trepidation.

Fortunately I think Mark carries the outfit off extremely well and Theresa seemed to cope with the situation magnificently. However, especially for Theresa, we can arrange delivery of two ceremonial dancing swords for her to use as she sees fit when they are alone together this evening.

Now before I go on to slander Marks character as is traditional I must say a big thank you to all of Marks other friends who contributed to the content of my speech today.

Adrian, Gian, Bruce, Paul and Dave.

I also thought I should do the job properly and decided to read a book entitled "The best man's check list".

However, some of the things I am expected to do are rather disturbing. Let me give you some examples: –

Bring cheque book or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten – Knowing Mark this will be most of them so I have about £2000 on me!!
Help the groom get dressed. …………No I don't think so some how.
Ensure the groom
Uses the toilet.
Ties his shoelaces.
Make sure his face and hair are in order. Sorry Mark but lets face it, if God could not get that bit right, what chance do I have.
Make sure nothing is between his teeth (or is that his ears!)
Finally make sure his trouser fly is done up.(again I don't think so!!)

It sounds to me like his mother should have been best man…………….…

To give you some background :
I first met Mark about 13 years ago on a skiing holiday.
My recollection of that holiday involved seeing this very tall maniac in a luminous ski suit just about managing to stay upright going down the mountain.
From those of you that know Mark well, this was not just a fleeting impression but more an indication of the character of one of the nicest and most determined people I have ever had the good fortune to meet.

This determination has helped in him in all areas of his life.
As a young schoolboy, Marks entrepreneurial skills started to emerge at a young age. Rumour has it that come bonfire night, Mark would not only go out and raise money with a penny for the guy, he would also don a Scouts uniform as he thought this might be a better selling point than going in his own clothes.
His father recalls how Mark used to borrow model planes without permission and then charge other boys to hold them.

A promising future as a tycoon or jailbird beckoned.

However, he first apprenticed and qualified as a cabinet maker before changing careers to become the owner of a Model shop. He has told me how he had to sell something on his first day of trading to be able to afford to put some petrol in his van to get home.

From those humble beginnings he has built a business to be proud of bringing pleasure to many little boys trying to pass themselves off as grown ups.

One of Marks tasks as sole proprietor of his business was to take the money to the bank on a regular basis. That brought him into contact with a cashier whose name tag referred to her as Miss T Figg. Of course the T stood for Theresa.

Now Mark does not like handing his money over to anyone, but for some reason he seemed to want to keep going back there nearly every day. The fact that Mark seemed to always go to the same cashier did not go unnoticed.

Contrary to popular belief, banking staff do look at more than the size of your deposit and how fast you make a withdrawal. They guessed that Mark was going to ask Theresa out even before he actually plucked up the courage to so.

It was armed with this knowledge that Senior staff made sure Theresa was fully aware of her responsibility to the bank and it's future profit potential when the time came.

When Mark finally asked Theresa out, he was blissfully unaware that Barclays would be providing a very different type of interest rate.

Growing a business and courting Theresa were not the only passions Mark was cultivating.

Mark was becoming one of the best model helicopter pilots Sittingbourne had ever produced. His dedication knew no bounds and he was prepared to travel worldwide in pursuit of the sports highest prizes.

However, travelling to competitions could involve sharing rooms with some of his team mates. This was not always the best of arrangements.

After talking to some of Marks fellow pilots, one fellow in particular is still suffering from having had to share a room with Mark. This person who is still receiving counselling recalled that they were staying in a ground floor room in a hotel in Indianapolis when Mark went to relieve himself.

As we can see for ourselves, Mark is a very big bloke and his visit to the loo resulted in the toilet overflowing firstly in the bathroom but eventually spreading out into the hotel corridor as well. The resultant mess eventually taking two days to dry out.

Plumbing is not the end of Marks talents.

His attire at times is more than noticeable. Mark likes nothing better than to pop down to the hairdressers to have his hair turned blonde.

He also makes sure the whole of the team is co-ordinated in their appearance as well.

I have with me a pair of trousers he wore to a closing ceremony which we would now like to present to him so that he can wear them once again later tonight after coming first yet again.

When out and about, Mark, a man of the world makes sure he can blend in with the locals. This is why when he walks into any English restaurant he likes to be referred to as Monsieur Tilbair.

He is also known to stand up in a very loud voice and toast the queen in a very good likeness of Black Adder

A phrase that follows Mark wherever he goes is ‘THERES ALWAYS ONE, AND IT's ALWAYS MARK’

Japan in particular is passionate about singing Karaoke and Mark being the kind of person he is throws himself into that with gusto.

One of his favourite songs is ‘Tonight I celebrate my love for you’.

Now I thought I might just be able to pursuade Mark and Theresa to sing this for us, but changed my mind. Instead I already have something prepared.

………play the song…..…

Dave Fisher must also be credited on that particular song even though he did not realise he would be singing the female part until after it started.

Mark, you are a lucky man – you've got Theresa. She's beautiful, intelligent, funny, warm and loving. Theresa, you've got Mark !
Before I finish I would like to ask Mark and Theresa to participate in the speech now. Theresa. If I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table –
Mark…….If you would like to place your hand directly on top of Theresa's
……………..make the most of it Mark, This is the last time you will have the upper hand.
In all seriousness though, my final words are to you Mark and Theresa. I am very proud to be best man here today and I'm so pleased that Mark has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, can I please ask you to stand and join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom………