Speech by Stuart Smith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Smith
Speech Date: 30/06/2012 22:32:24

First of all I would like to raise a toast to two of the most beautiful, wonderful people I've ever had the pleasure to have in my life…..… The Ushers… James and Nick.

Thank you all for coming here today, everyone looks fantastic.

For those who don't know me, I'm Stuart, and mines a pint of Peroni!  (lift empty glass)

I have never been a best man before, and I have no doubt after this speech I will never again. But I'm going to give it my best shot.

I find it very strange having the title best man, if I'm the best man, then why is Emma marrying Steven? (Grin) I'm just happy to say that I'm just a pretty good man, but tonight Steven is the best man.

I haven't  personally been to a wedding for a while so I am a little out of touch, but Having seen to programmes on the tv, I must honestly say Emma, that I was a little disappointed to see your dress isn't  9 feet wide with a twenty foot long train, illuminated by a 1000  fairy lights, and resembling a pineapple. 

Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment, I think you'll all agree Steven is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don't know, Steve is actually one of the hairiest men in Britain, with that in mind I'd like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo's and Monkey enclosure  for getting Steven ready for today.

Months ago when Steven asked me to be his best man I was so proud, what an honour..… But he immediately said but, wait you know too much! You're right Steve?  I do!

………but, I would like to tell you about the various misdemeanours Steve has been in throughout his life, but unfortunately, I have played a part in most of these events and I do not wish to tarnish my own reputation.

I was given guidance that there will be a mixture of ages in the audience and that the speech should suit the entire audience. To that end a lot of the speech has been adapted and any sexual innuendo has been removed as I promised to Steven and Emma, if there was anything of that nature in the speech, including anything of huge length, I would whip it out immediately.

Now I feel it is important for me to tell you about how Steven has become the man he is today.  I have known Steven from the age of 11, since our first day in secondary school when Steven flattened a spider across my clipboard. I was a very naive posh kid from Walton and Steve was this streetwise jack the lad from Clay Cross. Which coming from Clay Cross automatically makes your hard as nails at aged of 11. We were friends from that day on!

Though school, we managed to get into more than our fair share of trouble, well, I say we got into trouble, those of you who know Steven well know that he can pretty much charm his way out of anything. As a result I spent most of my time looking like a lemon in detention and Steven got off scott-free.

If anything I looked up to him, he has guided me through my life and moulded my personality and sense of humour into his own. So if you don't find this speech even slightly humours, you can blame Steven. 

About 3 years ago, whilst Steven were walking through Clay Cross, he turned to me and said, I've met this amazing woman. She's been working in my office for about 2 days and I feel like I've known her my entire life! I knew straight away this girl was special. Steve had not say anything like this to me before.

So I made it my mission to meet this young lady. The first time I met Emma was in the office they both work in. Emma had her back to me, then, Steven introduced me. Emma turned around in her chair like she was in some sort of hair shampoo advert. I thought WOW, your batting way out your league here, Steve!!

But they hit it off, and before i knew it, they'd bought a house, they had got engaged and here we are today. 

At this point in my speech I would have liked to have told you about the stag nights both of them, but the law of stag do's does not allow me to do this, and besides Steven's solicitor has advised caution until the charges are fully investigated. But I will say, Steven, Candy says hello!

One last thing, Emma place your hand on he table for me, Now Steven place your hand over the top of Emma's. How does that feel Steven, remember this moment as this will be the last time you'll have he upper hand.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses…in a toast to Steven and Emma, the new Mr and Mrs WILLIAMS. I wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage together.

Mr and Mrs Williams!