Speech by Stuart Zammit

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Zammit
Speech Date: Aug2006
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen,

I would like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of Neil and Kimberly here today. A wise man once told me that the Best Man's speech should last as long as the Groom makes love..… Thank you ladies &amp gentlemen &amp have a good evening. Sit down for a couple of seconds then stand.

Joking aside, for those of you that don't know me my name's Stuart and as well as being Neil's Best Man, I'm also his slightly older, better looking, much richer and wittier brother.
And I would like to thank you Neil for asking me to be your best man today, it really is an honour to be asked and a pleasure to fulfil the role, and for you finally admitting after all these years that I am indeed the best man.

I would like to extend my thanks to you for giving me the chance to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and for helping me to fulfil one of my childhood dreams of becoming Mr.Frodo, the ring bearer.
Funnily you do bear a striking resemblance to Gollum yourself.

I would firstly like to thank the Brides Maids for firstly performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day. Not forgetting Megan and Shane who were looking quite adorable. Also the Ushers for ushering. I'd also like to congratulate the bridesmaids for doing such a great job in making sure that Kim went against her better judgement and didn't change her mind.

I'd also like to add my own compliments to Kim, who I think you'll agree, looks absolutely stunning today!

Neil, on the other hand, just looks stunned!

Actually, being the best man is a big responsibility, and one that I have
not taken lightly. I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn”
t forget anything, and came up with a checklist of what my basic duties
should be.

Item 1 Arrange the Stag Night

The less said about this the better, but I think you will agree that Neil
does look rather fetching in an a black PVC thong.

Item 2 On the wedding day,

Bring a credit card and loads of cash in case
there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for.
Well, ever since I can remember I have had to do this so
thats nothing new.

Item 3 Help the groom dress himself.

It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade Neil that
the Wedding had a strict no jeans and trainers door policy

Item 4

It is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order.
I think that this duty is quite unfair, if God couldn't do it the first time
what chance to I have?

The rules also stated that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell
you all about his good points.

But I can't sing and I'm not a liar.

In fact it is customary at this point for the best man to launch a severe
character assassination of the groom and to tell you a bit about the stag
party, but I am far too scared of Kim to do that so I will
instead give Neil some advice, which I hope he will find useful in
the years to come

Neil,

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss – then do everything she says

2. Secondly, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football … so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and dont put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.
However, Kim Assures Me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List.
I thought it best not to mention anything about diving in the box.

3. Thirdly, remember the 5 rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring.

4. Don't forget, if you buy her flowers, she knows you're guilty, and she will remember, to the second, the last time you bought her some … AND the reason why!

5. It's also very important to get on with your mother-in-law. One of my
friends didn't speak to his mother in law for two years. Its wasn't because
he didn't like her. It's just that he thought it was rude to interrupt.

6. Lastly, there are three words you must never forget, ‘You're right dear’. as opposed to &quotWhen in Rome&quot

I firmly believe communication is important for a successful marriage, so here are a few female phrases for Neil to look out for and their proper meanings “We need” means…”I want”. “Is my bum big?” means…”Tell me I'm beautiful”. “Do you love me?” means…”I'm going to ask for something expensive”.

And male phrases for Kim to look out for “I'm hungry” means…”I'm hungry.” I'm tired” means…”I'm tired”. “Nice dress” means…”Fancy a shag?” and “Do you want to go to the movies?” means “Fancy a shag?”

As I didn't want to leave Kim out, I looked around for examples of good advice for the newlywed bride, and in my search came across a book called “The Good Wife Guide”.
I'm going to read a couple of extracts from this genuine 1960’s book and I'm sure you will all agree that taking heed from such a guide will stand the happy couple in good stead for the future!!!!!!:

Now I've not made these up, they are real extracts from the text of the book:

“When your husband returns home from work, listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first and remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”

“Once your husband has had a chance to eat his evening meal, clear away the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer, as after a long working day he does not need this extra work”

“Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the up most importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for a train!!!!”

“However, remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for a man last thing at night!!!!!”

“When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. It is likely that your husband will then fall asleep, so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair products”!!!!

Well, I'm sure that at least half of us here would agree with this sound advice!!!

Neil was born on 1st July 1981. Now I don't know whether this is a coincidence or not, but 2 weeks after he was born Family Planning was made available free on the NHS!!

Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Neil was not a pretty baby.. In fact, he was the only baby in London to have shutters on his pram!

You know, my Mum didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born!

I sincerely hope their first night as a married couple runs smoothly. After all, Neil is a bit naive when it comes to matters of a sexual nature. He believes Mutual Climax is an insurance company he thinks coq-au-vin is sex in the back of a lorry and he reckons the menopause is a button on his DVD player!

READ REAL LETTERS FIRST.

This one says: “Congratulations on your marriage, I trust that your purchases did the trick? Please can you come into the shop ASAP and settle your remaining bill as your credit limit has now been reached,
Lots of luck in the future, don't be a stranger,
signed,
Harmony, kiss kiss kiss
Oh! Sorry! That's Harmony Triple X.

Dear Neil,
Such a shame to miss out on such a great guy!
All the girls at Stringfellows

P.S. Don't forget to come and pick up your thong and magic wand!

Dear Kim
It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married.
From Arnold “luv bug” Swartzenegger

It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! Neil, I honestly couldn't wish for a better friend or a better brother to be best man for. You have made me immensely proud today. And I know that you know how lucky you are to have found such a special woman, in Kimberly.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances.

There is an old saying – “you don't marry someone because you can live with them,
you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”…

Ok that's me done, now time to get drunk, but first, the Toast.
Please all be standing and raise your glasses to Mr. &amp Mrs Neil Zammit!!
May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.
To the Bride and Groom!!