Speech by Stuart

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart
Speech Date: 25/06/2013 09:57:07

 Hello everyone, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Derek's little brother and Best Man, Stuart. Actually, my full name is Stuart Wouldyoulikeadrink, so if you see me at the bar later, please feel free to come up to me and chat, however, I'd appreciate it if you could use my full name.

Before I start, I'd just like to ask the Bride and Groom to do something. Louise, could you please place your right hand flat on the table. And Derek, could you please place your left hand on top of Louise's, and keep them there until I say so. All will be revealed.

Also, the hotel manager spoke to me earlier to request that, for health and safety reasons, none of you get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

You'll all be glad to know that I won't be going on for too long. It's my throat you see- Louise has threatened to cut it if I ramble on too much.

I'd like to start by thanking Derek on behalf of the Bridesmaids, Sara and Johanne, for his kind words. I'm sure everyone will agree that they are looking fabulous today and have done a great job in supporting Louise and getting her here today. Don't worry girls, if you thought that was a tough job, you haven't danced with me yet!

Louise, of course, is looking stunning today. And Derek…….well, he's not too bad, even if he did copy my outfit.

I'd like to say a thank you to the parents of the newlyweds for such a fantastic day so far. They've both done a fantastic job in raising upstanding members of the community….until the reception gets going when Derek gets a few drinks and no longer remains standing.

And who could forget about the page boy and flower girl, Owen and Jess, who have both done a great job today. They both look absolutely smashing.

Finally I'd like to say a quick thank you to everyone who was at (and survived) the Stag Do. It really meant a lot to Derek to have his closest friends and family fire paintballs at him from point blank range.

I couldn't believe it when Derek had exhausted all other options and decided to ask me to be his Best Man. I was truly honoured that he returned the favour after I asked him to be the Best Man at my wedding. With that in mind, the main aim of what I am about to tell you is not to embarrass or humiliate Derek, but rather to help you all to get to know him a little better. Although, as a disclaimer, I can't deny that a little embarrassment and humiliation may be on the cards.

I recently spoke to a few of Derek's work mates and you'll be surprised to know that they described him as God-like : he is never seen, he makes his own rules and if he actually does any work it's a miracle.

Me and Derek were always quite close as brothers. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for Derek and likewise, there's nothing that Derek wouldn't do for me. In fact, we spend most of the time doing nothing for each other.

As a child, Derek was always a bit of a miser with his money. I remember when we once had a family caravan holiday up to Nairn. We would always get some money so we could go and play on the 2p machines in the arcade. Whilst any winnings I got would be promptly ploughed straight back into the machine, Derek kept every 2p he drained from that machine and took them back to the caravan where he sat at the table counting them and arranging them into piles like Scrooge!

This trait also followed him into his adult life. On one particularly drunken night out, Derek thought that it would be a good idea to walk home from town to save on the taxi fare.

What happened next was either an accident or deliberate, depending on how well you know Derek. He stumbled off the pavement into the path of an incoming taxi. SMACK!!  Whilst the taxi driver was obviously shaken and wanted to take Derek to A&E, Derek was happy enough to get the taxi driver to take him home, free of charge, of course!!

Now I'd like to welcome Louise into the family. It only seems like yesterday that Louise's introduction into the family was a surprise visit by me and my wife to Derek's flat. It's safe to say I've never seen anyone with more of a “rabbit-caught-in-headlights” expression, Louise. Seriously though, although it seems a bit strange to say it because you've been together with Derek for 4 years now, I would like to welcome you into the family.

Derek was telling me last night about himself and Louise as a couple. He told me that Louise brightens up his life…….well, he said that she never turns the lights off but it amounts to the same thing.

I'd just like to say Derek, you're a very lucky man today. You leave here having gained a partner that's warm, loving, funny and loyal. Louise, you're lucky too. You leave here having gained…….a beautiful dress and some flowers.

 During the service, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean, it was 28 years ago that Louise's parents were putting Louise to bed with a dummy…..and it's happening all over again today!!

 Seriously though, I'd just like to say how happy I am for both of you. Derek, you've always been the best big brother I could have asked for and I know that Donna see's you as her brother too and Louise, I'm glad to now be able to call you my Sister-In-Law. I know you'll both be very happy together for many years to come and I'm glad you gave me the honour of being your best man.

I'd like to give you both a few pieces of advice:

Remember that marriage is a matter of give and take – the husband gives and the wife takes.

Always make sure you say those three little words every day to keep your wife happy:  “Of course, dear.”

To keep a marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, when you're wrong admit it, when you're right shut up. 

Now, after my own wedding, Derek and Louise kindly “decorated” our flat with streamers, banners and confetti. We're still finding bits of them everywhere, even after we've moved house. So with that in mind, I'd like all our partners in crime to stand up and show your keys so Derek and Louise have an idea of the carnage that awaits them on their return.

Lastly, I'm sure you're all wondering why I got Derek to put his hand on top of Louise's at the start of my speech. Well Derek, that was the longest and only time in your marriage that you'll have the upper hand!!

All that remains for me to do is to ask you to charge your glasses, stand and join me in wishing the new Mr & Mrs Dyker a long, prosperous and happy life together. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to the happy couple, Derek and Louise.