Speech by Sudipta Sarkar & Jonathan Edwards

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Sudipta Sarkar & Jonathan Edwards
Speech Date: Jul2004
Sud: Good Afternoon ladies & Gentlemen. You will have noticed that there are two best men. – The groom wanted a best man but couldn't find one, so he got two slightly good ones instead.

Jon: So we are going to decide who is the one “best” man [start to take jackets off] the old fashioned way

Sud: by playing paper/scissor/stones [they play: it's a draw – mock frustration]

Jon: Oh well, we'll both do it.

Sud: As some of you may know Richard works as an accountant for Reuters and we tried to unearth some of the childhood traits which may have led him to his career choice.

As a child Richard kept a tight hold on his purse strings. However one day on a shopping trip into Sutton Market he spotted a top of the range toy car which took his fancy. When Rich spotted the 50p price tag, a weeks savings in those days, Richard went into an almighty sulk at the prospect of parting with his cash,… but was persuaded to buy the toy by his mum.
As they walked away from the stall young Richard burst into tears at the thought of being 50p down. Richard returned the toy, got his cash back and walked away with his war chest intact.

Jon: But Rich has always been willing to share his good fortune. When his older sister Jacky had no money to go out, the young Richard would lend his saved up pocket money to her. But as Rich's mum told us, like a young loan shark, he charged his sister healthy rate of interest!

Sud: To get a wider perspective view on Richard's character I asked around our school friends as to what they remembered most about Richard. The universal reply from everybody was…his quiff.
Just to make it clear if you're thinking of a famous quiff think Elvis and the dictionary describes it as a prominent forelock, especially one brushed upward from the forehead.
In fact I managed to get hold of one of his old school report cards and quoting Mrs Woods our maths teacher “Rich is a very talented mathematician but should spend less time in class boasting to everyone about his quiff, and concentrating on his trigonometry”

Jon: At school Richard was picked to play for the school football team…in their starting line up…for their first ever game.
Despite his raw talent as a footballer, Richard wanted to concentrate on his academic studies.
At least that's his excuse for never being picked again.

Sud: Although the professional footballer dream ended early one of his hobbies during the school years was managing a fantasy football team. As proud owner of the previously mentioned hair style Rich affectionately called his team Rich's Quiffs.

Jon: The young Richard was a ladies man.
He even had his own technique for getting to know young ladies at nightclubs, which cleverly avoided the need to actually speak to the lady concerned.
This is now universally known as the “Richard Green Options Technique”, named after the club where it was developed and the great man himself.
No more needs to be said of the technique here.

Sud: Maybe this is a good time to tell you about Richard's first bird… Elvis.… Elvis the pigeon…
Just to remind everyone that Richard's school friends paid tribute to the quiff, he managed a fantasy football team called Richard's quiffs and to top it all his favourite homing pigeon was named after the most famous quiff of all time.
I know that Rich revelled in wearing his wig on the stag do so in honour of the now departed pigeon Rich will be living the Elvis dream. [put wig on]

Jon: As school days came to an end; 1990 was a good year.
Richard blitzed his A-levels, Spurs won the cup… and this was the last year in which the “Richard Green Options Ttechnique” worked

Sud: Around this time Rich and quiff parted company and Rich headed off to Birmingham University to start life as an undergraduate in Mechanical Engineering.

Jon: Despite shaving off his quiff, Richard found new friends at Birmingham University, and this is where Rich and I first met.

Sud: I had the pleasure of visiting Richard at Birmingham on a few occasions. The accommodation that Richard lived in was never in a particularly good state of repair. Richard however managed to cover up the cracks in the walls and also livened up the house with pictures of scantily clad ladies.

Jon: Later on Trina helped Rich improve on his pictures of ladies… by famously drawing clothes on them.

Sud: Now without quiff, Richard ditched the options pulling technique & applied a new strategy of actually talking to women. He would often be seen honing his skills at Ritzy's, an up-market venue where you could pay your way in with a banana. It was during one of these evenings he had a profound moment and said to Jon “You know what, the trick is definitely remembering the girl's name”

Jon: Thank God he met Trina. Although they met in the first year, Richard knew that good things come to those that wait, and waited a year before asking Trina out.

Sud: Having completed four years of intensive study to qualify as a “Master of Engineering” Richard made the logical decision to enter the noble profession of [pause] accountancy, and like a young Dick Whittington made his way to London.

Jon: Accountancy dominated Richard's life from then on; and this is reflected in his choice of friends…
Having wanted two best men, all he could come up with was two accountants.

Sud: A special mention should go to Trina's brothers Ian & Neil, who ensured that Rich behaved himself on the stag do. [Jon to point to Trina's bros]
It has also been suggested that the first time they met, Richard was a little nervous. Those nerves seemed to disappear by the time we had an epic game of football on the stag do. At the end of the game Rich proudly talked me through how he had run rings around Ian. I'll leave Ian and rich to discuss Rich's performance at the bar later.

Jon: Finally Rich saw sense and proposed to Trina… to celebrate Richard's stag we went to Prague. Thanks to all the lads who came along to this cultural event. Amongst the many works of art we saw that weekend were street sculptures of Cows. “Cow Parade”, as it was called, was an attempt by the artist to take over the city with a record number of life-size cow sculptures.
In honour of this, Richard thought best to try for a record number of people sitting on a concrete cow. Our brave attempt came to an end with the intervention of the Prague constabulary.
We all rapidly dismounted the cow, except for Richard.
The image of Richard, sporting his afro-wig, astride a cow, in Prauge, trying to explain himself to a bemused policeman will be with me for ever.

Sud: One thing Trina and Rich have both learned over the past few years is that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them now.

Jon: Could I please ask you to charge your glasses, as we would like to propose a toast to this new husband and wife team, because in all seriousness we think they were made for each other.

Sud: Please be upstanding [Sud + Jon gesture for upstandingness]
May your love be modern enough to survive today's times… yet old fashioned enough to last for ever.
A toast:
[Sud & Jon]“To the Bride and Groom's future happiness”