Speech by Sunil Purohit

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Sunil Purohit
Speech Date: Aug 1999
Ladies and Gentlemen: Before I get on to the traditional character assassination of the bridegroom, on behalf of the bridesmaids, let me first of all thank Gareth for his kind words.

I first came to meet Gareth when I started going out with his sister Sophie. I still have a very vivid recollection of the first time that I met him – it was when Sophie first invited me down to Cheltenham to meet the family. I can still picture Gareth now in his bright purple Benhall School blazer, grey knee length shorts, skipping down the drive, swinging his prize conkers and without a care in the world! When I tell you that he was nearly 17 years old at the time I'm sure you'll understand why I still sometimes wake up in a cold sweat thinking about it!

Despite his eccentricities Gareth did very well in his "A" levels and secured a place at Christ Church college Oxford where he read History. By all accounts Gareth was very much at home among the dreaming spires of Oxford and he approached his studies with tremendous enthusiasm and commitment. However I certainly don't want to give the impression that Gareth spent all his time studying – after all with only 6 hours of lectures a week that would have been some achievement! No – in between his punishing lecture schedule he did manage to find some time for cricket and hockey as well as the occasional visit to the Student Bar. By the way I managed to get in touch with the captain of the cricket team that Gareth played for to see if he had a message for the happy couple on their big day. And yes he did indeed have a message. He said: "In all the time that he played for us we found Gareth to be useless in every position. Let's just hope Julia has better luck!

After graduating from Oxford, Gareth took a year out from the pressures of academic life to go travelling. In fact he spent just under 8 months travelling some 20k miles through Africa on a tour organised by Truck Africa. Having spoken to some of his friends from that African trip I have to say that I look at Gareth in a new light. If you believe the stories that I've heard lurking under this mild mannered, respectable, suburban schoolteacher is a real life Indiana Jones! Gareth I'm sure you remember that trip very well and having sat through your 4 hour slide show of the trip I feel as if I shared every moment with you! Seriously though it sounds as if it was a once in a lifetime adventure and all good character building stuff.

You obviously developed some close friendships during that trip and there were many highlights. I gather for example, that during your travels through the Sahara desert you maintained a typically British stiff upper lip when despite the fact that the truck convoy was being chased by rebellious Tuareg tribesmen, you spent all your time in the back of the truck playing chess! And I'm sure you remember white water rafting on the Zambesi as well as using your extensive French language skills to successfully negotiate your tour party's passage through Zaire.

However when it came to helping out with some of the domestic chores on the tour it was another story. Gareth hated being on cook duty and whenever it was his turn to prepare the evening feast let's just say that he didn't display much creativity or imagination as it was a case of corn beef, more corn beef and yet more corn beef. I am also reliably informed that Gareth's wood chopping skills left a lot to be desired although he blamed this on the small axe that had to had to use. There you go Julia, you have my deepest sympathy, in addition to the earlier shocking revelation that Gareth is useless in every position we now find out that he has a small and useless chopper!

When Gareth got back from Africa clearly he was pining for the student life and his thirst for academic knowledge or at any rate his thirst for cheap beer remained unquenched so he decided to study for a PhD at Nene College in Northampton. It goes without saying that Gareth duly completed his doctoral thesis and I can tell you Gareth is justifiably very proud of his achievement. But I wonder if his pride might sometimes be a little misplaced. Apparently shortly after receiving his PhD Gareth and Julia were flying out for holiday to somewhere in Europe. Mid way through the flight an announcement was made asking for any doctors on board to make them selves known to a member of the cabin crew. Well Gareth obliged and I'm sure you've guessed the rest of the story. A passenger had been taken ill onboard and it was only after Gareth started lecturing his poor victim on the effects of the Poor Laws on 19th century emigration from the East Midlands that everybody realised that he had absolutely no medical qualifications whatsoever!

Having completed his PhD Gareth finally turned his thoughts to earning a wage and starting a career. As most of you will know both Gareth's parents were teachers as is in fact Gareth's sister Sophie. In what has to be viewed as the ultimate triumph of hope over experience he completely ignored all family advice and decided to follow the xxxx family tradition by entering the teaching profession. Actually I'm joking Gareth's family were very supportive of his decision and Gareth has made a great start to his teaching career. He is enjoying himself at Mill Hill where he has just completed his second academic year. He is obviously very good at his job as he has just been promoted to Head of Department. At this point Gareth, for some strange reason I am reminded of those two old sayings… You know the ones: "Those who can't do, teach!" and "You are promoted to your level of incompetence!"

Having alienated all the teachers in the audience, upset my in-laws and stirred up a hornets nest with my wife Sophie I fear the end is nigh and this is probably a good time to make my excuses and leave. But before I do so I would like to redeem myself a little. Gareth I'm sure you're regretting it now but I'd like to say thank you for asking me to your best man today. As well as being my brother in law you've been a great friend over the years. In Julia I think you have found the ideal partner to share your life with and I hope you'll both be very happy together.

As you start your married life Gareth, as a happily married man myself (or at least I was until I made the teacher joke)! I'd like to finish off by offering you one piece of advice. The secret of a long and happy marriage is to remember those three little magic words.… "YES MY DEAR"

And finally ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the happy couple. Gareth, Julia or should I say Dr and Mrs xxxxx here's wishing you both all the best for a long and happy marriage!