Speech by Tai Dieu

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tai Dieu
Speech Date: Aug2004
Stand up, look at everyone for a few seconds. sit back down. Pause for about 5 seconds, then say

Before I got here, a friend said that the best way to get rid of the nerves is to picture everybody naked. I'm not doing that again.

Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, for you who don't know me, my name is Tai Vinh Dieu. No beer jokes with that one but just in case you were wandering what to get me at the bar, mines a bottle of….um!

First of all let me begin by thanking the special team who helped the day run smoothly. Becky, Amy … … …Thank you for your support and well done. I didn't think she would get to the church. And I must say, and I think we all agree, you all look stunning, don't they? And just in case the blonde ones forget. You only wear the dresses today, ok. Also, thank you to all the ushers for helping things run smoothly. I'm proud to say you've done a really good job.

I won't name them because with an army it's going to take long time

I would also like to thank Dave, Valerie, Andy and Jenny for helping with the venue and for giving their love, care and support because without them. Simon and Amy would not be getting married in such a nice place and I would not have such a good opportunity to work my magic with so many bridesmaids.

It's a shame that not everyone could make it today however they have sent cards and sorry notes. Here are just a few.

READ SOME CARDS IF THERE ARE ANY

Now I've only known Simon since college so I couldn't tell you about his childhood but I can tell you he liked Basketball, rap music and have always had a big head
Over the years I have got to know him very well, not intimately Paul, so I can tell you many stories about him.
Oh, and just in case your wandering who Paul is, he's the only guy whose got jealous of me when I spoke to a girl on the stag do
but before, I go on talking about Simon, as you do traditionally, I'd like to tell you about a web site I looked at just in case any of you are going to be the best man at a friends wedding. There was a section entitled &quotThe best man's check list&quot and I must say,

I am mystified by some of the things I am expected to do: –
Here are just a few things
1.Bring lots of cash and a credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten – which knowing Simon will be most of the important things so, I have got a small fortune on me on me!! Just in case you were wandering what it was I had to buy today pull out all the fag packets
2.Help the groom get dressed ………….No I don't think so
3.Ensure the groom
a. uses the toilet, done that one!
b. Ties his shoelaces. Done that one!
c. Make sure his face and hair are in order hmm I first thought but then I realised how appropriate this section really was him seeing as his nick name is Mr Potato head
4.D. Make sure nothing is between his teeth.
e. Finally make sure his trouser fly is done up. Um looking confused, yeah I did do that one!
Also, during my time investigating ideas for my speech I also came across an article which I actually thought sounded quite nice. It quoted “scientists have now found a link between sex, marriage and astrology. Apparently, if you've been married for over 25 years sex happens once in a blue moon!” No really
When Simon asked me to be Best Man, I have to say that as well as being honoured to be involved in such a special day, I did panic. I thought………What will I say???…………What should I talk about?? ………..… Can I be rude?????…well luckily for Simon he had a word with me earlier on so, unfortunately all of the worst things I was told not to say as it would break his Nan's heart to hear them. So that actually cut my stories down to about 1.
One time at beer camp down at the Amy's lakes, we were by the stream that runs by the nature centre. Well, someone thought it would be a good idea if we all took it in turns to jump the stream. If you didn't do it you had to do a forfeit. Down a bottle of beer, that sort of thing! On one side of the stream there was a tree, so what we had to do was to jump the stream and land as close to the tree as possible, as that was the only bit without stinging nettles.
So, off went the first one. Jumped the gap, got to the tree! Off went the second one, jumped it, and got to the tree. By this time Simon was nervous so just to show him how easy it was, off I went, jumped it, and got to the tree. So next it was Simon, really, really nervous he was at this point. So he takes a step back, charges as fast as he could
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? HE FORGOT TO JUMP!
Good luck Amy. It's a shame you've already made your vows.
Back then I was definitely the braver man, but today, you win hands down
And just so you girls know what Amy's marrying into I've have a little list of Simons bad habits.
1.he cuts his nails and leaves them on the sofa
2.flicking the T.V all the time
3.he's addicted to Big Brother
4.when he's moody he sulks
5.he puts his CD's back in the wrong cases
6.talk on his phone while on the loo
7.supports Southend football team

Amy, unfortunately I have not been able to gather any dirt on you. I don't know what you've said to your friends but they haven't mentioned nothing All I can say is that Simon said you are a little weird at night in the way that sometimes he finds you sleep walking.
He thought he was getting attacked one night when he heard her screaming down the hallway towards his room. As she got to his bed he pulled both his legs back and kangaroo kicked her to the floor. What actually happened was, during one of her sleepwalks she fell down the toilet and freaked out.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU MATE
oh, and just in case you thought you had gotten away without any embarrassing pictures, you haven't. and because I know you probably looked under the chairs, under the table and behind the curtains, what I've done was made 2 photo albums . one for each of you and what I'm going to do is pass these around throughout the night so everyone can have a look
Before I finish off, I do want to offer some words of advice.

Simon. I believe that marriage will teach you about a lot of things.
It will teach you about
1.loyalty,
2.self-restraint,
3.self control
4.and it will help you develop a sense of fair play…and many other qualities that you wouldn't need as a single man.

According to wise men all around the world, the key to a long and happy marriage, Simon, is to remember these three little words ‘your right dear!’
And Amy,
and this comes from my mum.
To keep your man happy for many years to come, all you have to say is, YES YOU CAN. .
My dad says it's about
1lots of persistence
2 patience
3. tolerance,
4 resolve,
5.stamina and forgiveness,
failing that, selective hearing

All jokes aside, Simon, Amy, I truly am honoured to be such a part on our big day. Of all the people I know and have met, I can honestly say there is no couple who were more of a perfect match than the two who are getting married today. When you first met I did think it was going to be one of those phases but as time went by, you just seemed to change and mould and the more I got to know Amy I can could only describe her to him, as what the Ying is to Yang

Simon and Amy, I think I'm right in saying we all wish you, the very best for the future, and hope you enjoy a long, happy and fruitful life together…….…

Ladies and Gentleman

please raise your glasses

and join me in a toast to Simon and Amy, the new Mr &amp Mrs Potato Head. Sorry, to Simon and Amy. To the Bride and Groom!

Speech written and performed by Mr Tai Dieu for the wedding of Mr Simon Newell and Miss Amy Wood