Speech by Terry Dunne

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Terry Dunne
Speech Date: Aug2007
Thank-you for that introduction Andy.

For those of you who don't know me my name is Terry Dunne and I've known Andy for almost 13 years….unlucky for some! When Andy first asked me to be best man I was naturally very honoured but somewhat surprised that he didn't consider some of his friends that he has known since school. Then I had the opportunity of meeting them on the stag week-end and I realised that Andy didn't really have a choice!

Andy and I first crossed swords on the 5 a side football pitch where it became clear very quickly that he was extremely competitive and relished the sweet smell of victory. So it came as a bit of a surprise when I discovered that he supported Sheffield United! Despite their disappointing result last week Andy and his father will be pleased to hear that Brian Robson, their manager has made a recent signing, a promising young Iraqi striker from Baghdad. Only 2 weeks ago in a pre season friendly he scored a hat trick against arch rivals Sheffield Wednesday to win the game 4-3. Overjoyed at his performance and the result he phoned home to tell his father the exciting news. &quotThat's just terrific,&quot replied his dad. &quotLet me tell you about my day. Your mother has been mugged, your brother has been beaten up by a gang of youths, our house has been robbed and my car has been stolen and set on fire. Why oh why did you ever bring us to Sheffield?&quot

I have made some enquiries with Andy's old school friends as to whether they could furnish me with any wild stories about him in his reckless youth that I might incorporate in my speech. To a man they agreed that there were none. Andy always remained in control, they said. Is this the same Andy that I know I thought? Was he in control when he ordered yet another cocktail in that bar in Biarritz? I don't think so! Was he in control when he forgot his passport at Johannesburg airport after he had been imbibing all day at a barbecue? I don't think so! Was he in control when he whooped with excitement at catching the competition winning tiger fish on the Zambezi River, pound for pound the fiercest fighting fish in the world? I think not! Was he in control when at the Zambian border he was told that his entry visa had expired and 2 very large black customs officers led him away snapping on their rubber gloves as they went? I can assure you he was not! And finally, was he in control when he fell head over heels in love with Helen? I don't think so!

I think it's clear from Andy's choices that he has an eye for beauty. His beautiful bride for starters, selecting this quite magnificent venue for his wedding, he also owns a magnificent former coaching inn set in the heart of the conservation area of Old Burbage. This stylish house has been imaginatively converted to create an unusual contemporary home with spacious open accommodation with many original features remaining. Should anyone wish to arrange a viewing please see me later for the keys? We'll get it sold Andy don't worry!

He is also the proud owner of a beautiful blue jaguar sports car with an incredibly powerful engine. Consequently, it has been difficult for Andy to stick to the national speed limit. Unfortunately only last Friday Andy was eventually pulled over by a speed cop on the A5. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to Andy's side of the Jaguar, looked at his watch and said, ”Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a very good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.”
Andy, quick as a flash, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, ”Years ago, my ex wife ran off with a policeman. I thought for a few minutes there you were bringing her back.”
”Have a good day, sir,” said the policeman.

Despite his appreciation of the finer things in life Andy sadly has one fault that may make it difficult for you to live with him, Helen. As someone who has had to share a room with Andy on occasion over the last few years I am afraid to say that Andy snores incredibly loudly. Consequently, I am going to give you these earplugs Helen to ease your frustration and hope that you don't have to resort to the tactics of a woman I read about in the papers last week. It concerned an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly thirty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her he couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to &quotfart his guts out.&quot

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about &quotfarting his guts out&quot until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. One hour later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to water as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what the matter was? He said, &quotHoney, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.&quot &quotWhat do you mean?&quot asked his wife. &quotWell, you always told me I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got ”em all back in again.&quot

Snoring aside, I feel that over the years I have come to know Andy well. He has been a true friend to me especially at a time when I needed one. He has been a fabulous companion on a number of highly memorable adventures and is a thoroughly, thoroughly top bloke. I am sure that Helen will appreciate in him his strength of character as well as his sensitivity, his sense of adventure as well as his no nonsense approach. I know that Helen lights up his life and was exactly the beautiful and effervescent companion that he deserved.

My greatest wish for the two of you is that through the years your love for each other will so deepen and grow, that years from now you will look back on this day, your wedding day, as the day you loved each other the least.

Finally, before I ask you to raise your glasses I have 1 or 2 messages to read out.

1 From Tim and Helen
2 This one is from carpet world addressed to you Helen. They wish you all the very best for your marriage and can only apologise for failing to deliver the new carpet on time but are very confident that you will get your under felt tonight!
3 This piece of advice comes from Aunt Doreen to you Andy. In the years ahead should a young lady ever offer you super sex, always opt for the soup!
4 Have a fantastic day and a long and happy marriage. We are really going to miss you Andy. The girls from the fantasy lounge!

And on that final note can I ask you all ladies and gentlemen to be upstanding and raise your glasses to toast 2 very deserving soul mates, Andy and Helen!