Speech by Terry H

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Terry H
Speech Date: 16/05/2012 10:35:01

Introduction

This is typical, it's the first time that Ben has ever bought me dinner and I was too nervous to bloody enjoy it!!

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I would first like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Ben and Hannah's wedding such a special occasion.

Ben…I am glad you made the most of your speech, now that you are a married man that is the last time that you will get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted.

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Terry, the best man and I am honoured to be here talking to you this afternoon.

There were two things about being best man that didn't fill me with glee; 1) I am not a fan of public speaking and 2) I knew at some point I was going to have to say something nice about Ben.

I was also a bit concerned about the length of my speech but was reassured when I read somewhere that the  best man's speech was not supposed to take any longer than the time it takes the groom to make love.

[TOAST] So ladies and gentlemen raise your glasses for Mr and Mrs … [toast and sit down].

I am only joking Ben after all the booze you'll consume tonight you will be lucky if you can raise a smile.

Thank you's

Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Ben an uncomfortable few minutes I have a few thank yous.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Ben for his kind words, Megan and Nicola both look wonderful and have done an excellent job in coaxing Hannah here today; I understand it wasn't without its problems.

I would also like to thank Ben's brothers, Tim and Earl…sorry I mean Matt… who did a great job of being ushers. Whilst Ben had his reservations, I always knew you two would be able manage the very difficult task of telling people where to sit at the ceremony.

My final thank you is to the parents of our newlyweds, who have done an excellent job in hosting the wedding.

I would also like to say, and I think you will all agree, that Hannah looks absolutely incredible today and Ben…well he has done the best with what he has, but it was always going to be difficult for him to stand out next to Hannah, or me for that matter!

Now…with the thank yous out of the way, I shall do my best to give Ben the five most uncomfortable minutes of his life… Hannah's will obviously be coming later, courtesy of Ben.

But don't worry folks I promised Ben that this speech would not be filled with sexual innuendo, I promised Ben that if there was anything slightly risqué, I would whip it out immediately.

I thought I would start by recounting the time that Ben and Hannah's budding romance started. Whilst I wasn't on the trip, I understand that “getting friendly” when they went away to complete their Duke of Edinburgh award more than 10 years ago. For Ben, Hannah was an unexpected result, as his main hope for the trip was that he would get the opportunity to take a dump in the woods – here we are ten years on and Ben is still discontent with the fact that he failed in his primary objective.

Character Assassination

So now Ben…Ben is a great mate and someone that I have had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with over the past 12 or 13 years. After so long, I think I am well placed to highlight his short comings….

However the great mystery for me and you are probably al thinking the same thing.… what is it Hannah sees in Ben?

It must have been his sporting prowess.

After all we all know that Ben is the all-round sportsman. I don't know how many times I have heard him tell people he could “out-sport” them. He is a great footballer, though given that he never passes, I am guessing he played a lot of Wembley Singles as a kid. He is also, apparently, a useful snowboarder, and recently took up golf… if I am honest, I don't know why he didn't take up javelin as he could throw the club further than he hits the ball.

Yet his determination to improve remains. In fact, he has been known to discretely rig up his video camera, using all sorts of gizmo's to record his swing whilst at the driving range. This must have been really inconvenient for Ben, given all of this gear was previously being used in his bedroom…[when making the save the date invites…nothing dirty].

Maybe Hannah fell in love with Ben after experiencing the warm hearted approach that he takes with his friends? This is probably unlikely too. After all, Ben has driven three of his “close friends” to the verge with minor eating disorders following a barrage of fat jokes. Poor Bal, never fully recovered!!!

However he is someone that you can trust with your inner most secrets. This is not because he is a trustworthy friend but merely because he has a horrendous memory. You can tell him anything knowing that it will have almost certainly escaped him before he has the chance to tell anyone. Well unless he deems it funny or embarrassing, in which case he will spread it like wildfire.

Perhaps Hannah fell in love with Ben's enthusiasm and commitment.

This was best expressed during a school rugby match when our team turned up hung over, so Ben took it upon himself to put in some huge tackles, well huge for him given his childlike frame. This certainly had the desired effect, driving the team on to a hard fought victory.  Unfortunately Ben later explained that his enthusiasm had come at a price as he had suffered from a severe sharting incident, mid tackle.

I doubt that it was this enthusiasm that lured Hannah,

Perhaps Hannah fell for Ben's singing voice. As many of you will know better than I, Ben's voice broke dramatically when he was about 11, and he has spoken like Eeyore the donkey ever since. Unfortunately this had a detrimental effect on his voice. The full effect of this was experienced on his stag when we all endured Ben's quite horrific version of “living la vida loca”, which resulted in him heckling the audience.

Hannah you may have to help us out here…Oh wait, I've got it. It must be Ben's ability to see off a “suicide tequila”. For those of you who not familiar with the term…get him one later.

Advice for Ben

Now my little Benny Beddy Buddy (that is Hannah's pet name for Ben) I thought I would try to offer you a bit of advice on how to make your marriage a success:

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…and then do everything Hannah says! Although I think that is something that you already well trained in;

Secondly, try to maintain a good relationship with your mother-in-law…A friend of mine didn't talk to his for two years, not because they fell out…he just didn't want to interrupt; For clarity to galvanise your relationship with Enid, mate, its probably best if you don't make jibes about her drinking during the wedding!!! and

probably the most important advice for you, mate, given your inability to retain any useful information is…the best way for you to remember your Wedding Anniversary is… to forget it once!

Closing bits

It really is a pleasure giving this speech today, I mean, I never thought Ben would actually put his hand in his pocket and make it happen…

However, it was apparent what Hannah means to Ben, when I asked him last night what it was he wanted from his marriage, initially he said “lots of sex” but when pushed for a more sentimental response, he said, “well, I want to be a model husband.”  And he added with a glint in his eye, “I want to be a model lover!!”. Being the inquisitive chap that I am, I looked up “model” in the dictionary it said: “a small, miniature replica of the real thing”!!!….I think this an achievable goal for you mate.

On a serious note, I think it is fair to say that Ben and Hannah pretty much have the relationship that the rest of us strive for, and I am sure they will be have a long, happy and prosperous future together.

TOAST: So it now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Mr and Mrs R.