Speech by Terry Nokes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Terry Nokes
Speech Date: June 2002
Hello my name is Terry, and I'm an alcoholic. —- oops, Sorry that's Monday nights.

(Pick up scroll, and pass another to the 2nd bestman, a blank just saying Good Luck)

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, On behalf of the brides maids and page boys,
I'd like to thank Andy for his kind words and gifts.
His thanks are truly justified because they have all done an incredible job, and all look great for this special day.
They are only eclipsed by Nikki herself, who I'm sure you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning.

In preparing this speech, a wise man told me, it should last no longer than it takes the groom to make love.
So, with that,
thank-you very much. (sit down)

Bestman 2 – Hey Terry, what's going on! (shows blank scroll – good luck)

Ha, got ya, – Yes, Good Luck John.

I knew I'd feel nervous today, so I set out to get some advice, on delivering speeches. So I read a new book by
Gareth Gates, the Pop Idol. “His guide to Public speaking” –
Apparently, the best way to calm your nerves is to imagine that your audience is naked.
But the thought of 80 naked people staring at me, does not calm my nerves at all. So please bear with me.

When I first met Andy, he worked in my local pub as the D.J.
And later he also hosted the popular Karoke nights.
He soon became a very valued friend or you could say a valued taxi driver because as you probably know,
Andy doesn't tend to drink a lot.
But Andy is a good, and respected DJ and used to work in many different venues throughout the week.
So most of our nights out, would be clubbing up London after his Disco's had finished.

I didn't know Andy from years ago so I done some research on the Internet.
It's an amazing tool.
I managed to trace Andy's old head mistress from Townsend school in St. Albans, from many, many years ago.
She's still going strong and she recalls Andy from his younger years. Let me quote:-

Ah Yes, Andrew Freeman. I remember now, he was the one who would skive off lessons to go train spotting (turn and stare).
Train Spotting!!
By the way we've located this – I found your old coat from years ago.

Bestman 2 produces (prop jacket – UK train spotters club) Size 38 chest, blimmey Andy, how old were you

She adds, Andy was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects,
Sorry I miss read that, it actually says, he was an idle pupil – who was expelled from most subjects.
He was friends with the Bradley brothers, band members of The Manic Jabs, during that horrible punk era.
But, looking back, he was a bright, lovely lad with golden hair; he stayed on till the 6th form too.
He also used to bring in, for my members of staff, A bag of raisins every day.
This went on until about his 3rd year of school, that's when Andy got into girls clothing.
Sorry that should be girls and clothes.
Yes, that's right, and then the raisins suddenly stopped.
And I never understood why, Until he told me, his pet rabbit had died.

Andy first met Nikki at The Church. Not a normal church.
This is a popular London club in Kings Cross.
And I believe Nikki's initial response to Andy's advances was to totally blank him.
Well I've seen him dance too.
Anyway a couple of weeks passed, and they met again.
This time it was at one of my parties.
It was then they struck up a relationship, with laughter, then romance, and the love soon followed,
that has brought us all here today.

So moving on to when I knew Andy, and I've a couple of stories regarding night clubs.

On one particular occasion, True Story this.
I recall one night returning from a London club about 4 in the morning.
Andy was driving my car, when we got pulled up by the law.
I was told to stay in the car, (as I was a bit wobbly on my feet) while they questioned Andy on the pavement.
Apparently as one officer said to Andy, OK Get on your way, I slipped up and slurred to the other officer, something like “Come on mate, there's no shit in here, let us get home.”
This proved to be a big mistake.
We had to wait another half hour for a drug sniffing dog to arrive.
It pounced all over the car, and of course found nothing.
So now, as more police had arrived Andy was told to produce his vehicle documents within the next 5 days at the local police station.
Eventually we're home and it's now been daylight for some time.
Unfortunately, it turned out that Andy's car insurance had elapsed the day before.
This was by just 4 hours before we got pulled up.
So due to my remark Andy received a court summons, followed by a fine and 6 points on his licence.

Another true story –
One night Andy won first prize out of 100’s for the best costume at a Halloween fancy dress Party.
As Dr Death he was all made up, and was totally smothered in fake blood. That was great, but the next day, my car with white leather seats, was all stained pink from the stage blood he'd worn.
That reminds me I still have the cleaning bill

Bestman 2 (prop bill) Yes, and here's the valenting bill.£120

We all enjoyed the local antiques fairs too, and if you haven't seen Andy's house it's like one of those Olde Curiousity shops, with piles of collectable memorabilia everywhere, it's stacked from floor to ceiling.
Although it's like Aladins cave, one thing that always puzzled me, is the adult sized Foot off a Manikin, that he keeps beside his fire place. Perhaps it's an ash tray, I really don't know.

Before I continue about Andy a lot of best man speeches over look the bride, but I must say,
I've known Nikki a lot longer than Andy, must be about 15 years.
We where part of a group of friends, forever pubbing and clubbing around potters bar. (I can see a few today)
And of course I can recall the odd night at the British Legion, when I first met Nikki's dad.
Those days were always a great laugh and Nikki always stood out as the bubbly one, with a constant smile on her face. Since then Nikki has travelled most of the world and achieved much, both inside and outside work.
Nikki also participates with the London marathon each year and has recently completed her fifth year. (clap)

The Stag night, I can't remember much, but Thanks to Andy for getting me home.
Since then I think we've fooled everyone with those false Eye Brows.
And don't worry I still have your spare ones here.

Best man 2 (Prop stick on Black bushy eye brows on white card) Not a very good match I know, but I suggest you take them on honeymoon just in case.

So the happy couple fly out tomorrow to Zanzibar for their honeymoon in the sun,
and Andy secretly told me he didn't like the idea of holding his stomach in for the 2 weeks of his honeymoon,
so he bought the Cindy Crawford work out video.
But every time he tried it, within a few minutes he would pull a muscle.

Now I'd like to read a few telegrams from family and friends who could not make it today. TELEGRAMS

To Nikki, this is from the manager of St. Albans football club.
Wishing you the very best for the future. And adds
Did you know Andy once came to us for a secret football trial.
We tried him in every position, but he was absolutely useless.
Now it's your turn.

To Andy Freeman – a valued and loyal customer,
Have a great wedding day and congratulations to the pair of you.
We hope you still plan to renew your subscriptions.
From
Razzle Publications.

Again I would like to thank on behalf of Andy and Nikki,
everyone for coming, and especially to those who have travelled far,
to celebrate their marriage today.
Also a very special thanks to Mr and Mrs Wright,
and everyone else involved with the wedding preparations, over the last few months.

But seriously, Andy I could not ask for a better friend, and it's been a pleasure and honour to be one of your best men today, and again you're so very lucky to have married some one as lovely as Nikki.

And Finally, I could go on all night but the sooner we finish, the sooner the bar opens.

Thanks to two people,
who today,
We have all taken in to our hearts,
Who mean a great deal to us all,
And without them, this day would not have been the success that it's been.
(Pick up Glass) Ladies and Gentlemen:
“The Bar Staff”

Bestman 2 – Own words. —- “Any one for Raisins” followed by throwing small raisin boxes to guests. Please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the happy couple – The Bride and Groom

Scrolls, Hand made paper rolled round white plastic water tubes, with imitation carnations on wire, poked through the ends.
Charity shop Jacket, Fabric Pen, and cut out of Train (Thomas the Tank) using felt. “UK Train Spotters Club”
Small boxes of Raisins.
Joke Eye Brows.