Speech by Theo De Regibus

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Theo De Regibus
Speech Date: Dec 2001
Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to welcome you to this special
celebration of "brides name" and "grooms name" marriage and to announce the
order of speeches. The first speech will be delivered by the father of the
bride, followed by a speech from "grooms name", my own speech as best man
and a speech from the Head Bridesmaid, and after all that , if you are
still awake, you can have your dinner. I hand you over now to the father
of the bride.

Best Mans Speech

Ladies and gentlemen, firstly May I start by thanking "grooms name", on
behalf of the bridesmaids, for his kind words.. and for those of you who
don't know me, and especially for those who I meet in the bar later, my name
is "Theo what r u drinking"..…

I would also like to remind you, that the more you laugh at my jokes the
faster my speech will be delivered.

When "grooms name" asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at
the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to
dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to
stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined
£200…

So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last
lot were.

I have never been a best man before so lacking any experience I thought that
the simplest way to put a speech together was to get one from the Internet,
I looked at hundreds of ready-made speeches only to discover that 95% of
them always start with the same joke.. That being best man is like making
love to the Queen Mother – it's a great honour – but nobody wants to do it –
so I thought I wouldn't use that one.

Actually, being the best man is a big responsibility, and one that I have
not taken lightly. I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn’
t forget anything, and came up with a checklist of what my basic duties
should be.

Item 1 Arrange the Stag Night

The less said about this the better, but I think you will agree that "grooms
name" does look rather fetching in an orange affro.

Item 2 On the wedding day, bring a credit card and loads of cash in case
there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for.

Well, ever since I have known "grooms name", I have had to do this so
thats nothing new.

Item 3 Help the groom dress himself.

It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade "grooms name" that
the Church had a strict no jeans and trainers door policy

Item 4 Ensure that the groom is sober, punctual, has his shoelaces tied ,
his flies done up and uses the toilet before the service,

I knew I had forgotten something, you can go to the toilet now "grooms
name".

Item 5 It is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order.

I think that this duty is quite unfair, if God couldn't do it the first time
what chance to I have?

The rules also stated that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell
you all about his good points.

So what can I say about him.

He's Handsome
Witty
Intelligent
Charming

Er..Er…

Sorry "grooms name", what's that say, I can't read your writing. Oh, yeah
good in bed sorry.

I will now move on to reading out some cards and telegrams.

To "grooms name"
– best wishes on your wedding "grooms name"- your usual place awaits
you on your return.
– From the Governor of pentonville jail.
To "brides name"
– I'm sorry that I couldn't marry you myself and had to get one of my
mates to do it but best wishes on your special day.
– From the pope.

In fact it is customary at this point for the best man to launch a severe
character assassination of the groom and to tell you a bit about the stag
party, but I am far too scared of "brides name" to do that so I will
instead give "grooms name" some advice, which I hope he will find useful in
the years to come

"grooms name":-

1. There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring,
suffering, torturing and enduring.

2. Always tell your wife those 3 important little word's . "you're right
dear".

3. It's also very important to get on with your mother-in-law. One of my
friends didn't speak to his mother in law for two years. Its wasn't because
he didn't like her. It's just that he thought it was rude to interrupt.

Now, it gives me great pleasure (and immense relief) to ask you all to stand
and raise your glasses:

"brides name" and "grooms name" "May your years ahead prosper with love,
affection, health & happiness, which you both richly deserve".… To "brides
name" and "grooms name".