Speech by Thomas Kitto

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Thomas Kitto
Speech Date: Jul2004
Icebreaker
This is a bit daunting for me, but that's all right, I am currently imagining you all sitting there naked, as all the books recommend….and well, it's not a pretty site.

Introduction
Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen, girls and boys, my name is Xxxxxx and for those of you who don't know who I am, I am Xxxxxx's best man and character assassinator. I would also like to inform you that this speech is being brought you by Imodium, so you will have to bear with me; I just hope the bottom doesn't fall out it.

Bridesmaids
Firstly if I may, I will do the traditional part of the best man speech and that is to thank Xxxxxx on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words, and I think you will all agree that Xxxxxxxxx and Xxxxx look wonderful and have done a tremendous job of helping Xxxx this morning. Although the tactics used to get Xxxx to the cathedral were a bit over the top, dragging her down the road kicking and screaming did surprise me, and the use of the handcuffs was questionable.

As for Xxxx, well, she is looking absolutely stunning today, Xxxxxx you lucky man.

Wedding ceremony
Wasn't the wedding service great? A perfect location, and a wonderful service, but whilst waiting for the bridal party to arrive, I found myself talking to the vicar, and with Xxxx coming from a Catholic family; I was intrigued to find out his opinion on sex before marriage. He said he didn't mind much, as long as they don't delay the start of the service.

Best man
When I was asked to be Xxxxxx's best man I was over the moon, ecstatic, but also quite concerned…for Xxxx that is. I wasn't quite sure she knew what she was letting herself in for. I mean this is the chap, who as a young man thought that Planet of the Apes actually existed, and that the guerrilla warfare he kept on hearing about on the news was in fact them fighting for their freedom.

I think Xxxxxx has moved on since then, well……

Best Man preparations
As part of my speech preparations I decided to look at what Xxxxxx has done with his life, and where better to look than at his profile on Friends Reunited.

(For those of you who are unfamiliar with Friends Reunited, it is a website which allows you to contact, stalk or even re-ignite relationships with old flames from your old school/college or university days.)

So when I found Xxxxxx's profile I was stunned! Most people can only mange to type up 3 lines at the most about what they have done, but Xxxxxx on the other hand manages 3 pages worth, under the heading “What is Xxxxxx doing now?”

Well besides finding out some of his school nicknames, like Lank, Lurch and Abdul(?), it also mentioned that, and I quote;

‘School worked out well for me, I was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects.’ Oh sorry, that was incorrect, it was meant to read,

‘School didn't work out well for me; I was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects’.

It also mentions that Xxxxxx has a life's love with music. This I can vouch for. As a guitarist, he's technically fantastic….never hits a wrong note……never makes a mistake – it's absolutely amazing – yes, all that crap he plays is deliberate!!

He also dabbled in a bit of acting, and well, the less said about that incident, the better.

My other speech preparations led me to purchase a ‘Best Man Guide’ book.

It was most helpful. Being best man, I was supposed to ensure that Xxxxxx arrived on time; sober and smart, well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. And after all, look at what I have to work with; I am the best man not a magician.

Actually Xxxxxx hasn't scrubbed up too badly has he? Although, I wasn't too pleased to turn up and find he'd copied most of my outfit.

And amazingly, Xxxxxx has turned up on time for once! And in fact, many years ago, being late nearly cost him his first date with Xxxx.

Xxxx, just think!

The book also mentions that there are three key elements to a wedding ceremony, and they are:

The aisle – because it's the longest walk you will ever take
The alter – the place where two finally become one, and
The hymn – the celebration of the marriage

But I'm sure that Xxxx had read the same book, I could swear that when she took her place beside Xxxxxx, I heard her muttering under her breath:

“Aisle, Alter, Hymn, aisle, alter, hymn”

Bear in mind Xxxxxx, my Best Man book also says that a ‘Man is incomplete until he is married, and then, well, then he is really finished’.

Stag dos
Well, before I talk about what happened on Xxxxxx's stag do, I do feel I need to mention a little story about what happened to Xxxxxx on a previous Stag do he attended this year. I know a lot of you have already heard this story (as it did spread like wild fire), but for the benefit of those who haven't, here it is.

Xxxxxx went on a stag do in Newcastle a number of weeks ago. After a good days ‘stagging’, the party went on the traditional drinking spree in Newcastle. After much beer was swilled, the party started to return to the hotel to retire for the night.

Xxxxxx's philosophy of drinking is that one pint is just right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Xxxxxx, at this point, got his second wind and decided to walk off the alcohol by re-entering Newcastle's nightlife. Some hours later, Xxxxxx finally returned to the hotel to rest his wiry body. In the small hours he woke desperate for the toilet and proceeded to make his way to the lavatory. Stumbling down what he thought was his hotel room towards the toilet he heard a click behind him. A bit worse for wear and being in unfamiliar surroundings, it took him a while to work out where he was.

Realisation dawns!

The click was in fact his hotel room door closing behind, and Xxxxxx was now standing halfway down the hotel corridor stark naked. Needless to say that panic set in quick!

Xxxxxx decides to find something with which he can cover up his modesty, but alas, hotel corridors are not the best for fig leaves or ashtrays and so the next best option for Xxxxxx was to break down his hotel door. After his futile attempt, he heard a loud ping sound coming from down the hotel corridor. It was the hotel lift, stopping on Xxxxxx's floor. He freezes, like a rabbit in headlights, fearing that will soon be exposing himself to fellow guests.

But to his dismay and relief, it turns out that the occupant of the lift was in fact the night porter. He walks slowly down the corridor, takes a bunch of keys out of his pocket and proceeds to open Xxxxxx's door! Obviously fully trained for these sorts of occurrences, he lets Xxxxxx back into his room a nod and a wink.

The cost of a hotel room in Newcastle….£50.00
The cost of a nights beer and food..,…£40.00
The cost of exposing ones modesty to the night porter ……priceless!!!

Xxxxxx's Stag do
In fact it was actually sponsored by Flora, the distance we trod between pubs qualified it as the second London Marathon. We actually managed to walk ourselves sober. But the night ended having achieved its objective and Xxxxxx was suitably drunk and dancing around. I suppose the photos will tell the a different story. I haven't seen them yet, but I have heard that the police were called in by the film developers; they claimed that the photos were of indecent exposure.

But alas, poor Xxxxxx managed another classic midnight toilet break, and again he managed to lock himself out of his room, save only by the fact that he managed to wake me up, as I was sharing the room with him.

To my relief I was spared a full frontal as he had remembered to wear his smalls to bed.

Be careful Xxxx, there is a definite pattern arising here..…

Now before I bore you all to tears, I would like to wind down by saying that Xxxxxx has been many things in his life but most of all he has been a very good friend to me. Xxxxxx, it's an honour to be your best man today and I am enjoying every minute.

You're a very lucky man to be marrying Xxxx today, who is a lovely, kind and genuine person.

She deserves a good husband, and well Xxxxxx; you should thank God that you got her before she found one.

I would also like to say that wedding preparations usually include some hiccups or disasters, but I am glad to see that nothing has ruined their great day.

Participation
Right, before I finish, I would like to ask the Bride and Groom to participate. Xxxx firstly if I could ask you to place your hand flat on the table… now Xxxxxx, if you could place your hand flat, directly on top of Xxxx's. Enjoying that Xxxxxx? Make the most of it, as it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!!

Some closing words of wisdom
There was a man, who said,

“I never knew what happiness was until I got married….and then it was too late!!”

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, well it's purely self-defence.

Well that just leaves me to ask you all to be upstanding to toast the Bride and Groom, and to wish them all the best in there life together as man and wife,

To the Bride and Groom!!