Speech by Tim Barrow

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Barrow
Speech Date: oct 2004
Thank you, after an introduction like that I can barely wait to hear myself speak! I'll try not to keep you too long, I know most of us are only here for the unforgettable spectacle that is Richard dancing. For the uninitiated, it really is a treat.

My name's Tim, and I'll be your Best Man for this evening. Allow me to begin by adding my own words of appreciation to Richard's praise for the bridesmaids, they do indeed look fantastic and will, I'm sure, be the object of the traditional unwelcome attentions before the evening is out, for which I apologise in advance. Of course it doesn't need me to say it that Tracy looks incredible, it was really spectacular to see her heading up the aisle to the sound of the wedding march in that beautiful dress. But, as the saying goes, there's more to a wedding than the swelling of the organ and the coming of the bride. The whole event has been wonderful, great church, lovely reception, fantastic weather. And, as an indicator of just how special the occasion is, Richard's even managed to prise himself out of his duffel coat, a day none of us thought we'd ever live to see.

I must confess to some relief that the most part of my duties are done with, coming towards the end of my role in the proceedings. I think it's gone alright so far. My little book on Best Man's Duties reliably informs me that on the morning of the ceremony, my number top job is, and I quote, help the groom to get dressed. I think I've done a fairly commendable job, if I do say so myself. Although it really is time he learnt to do his shoelaces up by himself. Duty number two for today was, and again I quote, make sure his face and hair are in order. Certainly they're in the right order, with hair on top, then face next, but that's really the best I can do. I'm not a miracle worker.

Now that I've started talking about the man himself I may as well carry on. My first encounter with Richard was when we were about 8 years old, and during the course of some playground fighting, which naturally I was winning, Richard threw me on a bee, which stung me. (Thank you for your sympathy.) It hurt like bloody hell, but I was brave about it and managed to laugh it off at the time. He's still hugely proud of the incident, partly because of his 8-year-old maturity, partly because it was possibly the first and almost certainly the last incident of his using cunning in anything. I, of course, have never managed to forgive him, and have spent the last fifteen years living waiting for my revenge. And here we are. No not really, I couldn't do anything to someone who's been such a good friend for such a long time. And he has been a brilliant mate for over 15 years. Not that we haven't had our differences. I remember when he announced his lifelong ambition to be a professional WWF wrestler. He modelled himself along the lines of the British Bulldog, although it bore a much closer resemblance to the British Bulldog Chewing a Wasp. You need to start training young for such a demanding art form, so I always tried to be supportive of his ambitions. I was happy enough to be his sparring partner for a few practice bouts. But I did draw the line at helping him pick his lycra catsuit, as favoured by the true professional. You've got to set boundaries. He had the whole career mapped out – the perm, the fake tan, the failed movie career, the pantos, the summer season at Butlin's. But fortunately he found his true vocation in software development, and now the days when he practiced his wrestling poses in front of the bedroom mirror will very soon be gone.

But I'm not just saying this to embarrass him, when I was casting around for a few speech ideas, I was told that any Best Man speech should include some reference to sporting achievements. On that front, I must say it's difficult to know where to start. Literally, as there aren't any. We did play some golf yesterday, he surprised me, he's bought himself a couple of clubs, a putter for putting and a driver for, er, slicing. No I'm being unfair, he actually hit a birdie on the 5th and kicked a dog on the 8th – he really must learn to control his temper.

At this point usually there would be some telegrams, but with such a wonderful turnout today, and in this age of modern technology, I'm afraid that tradition has fallen a bit by the wayside. I suppose nowadays there might be e-mails to read out, but judging by some of the smut Richard forwards on, I don't think that would be appropriate in polite company. That said, if any of the impolite company want to give me their e-mail addresses I'd be happy to pass on the good stuff.

Anyway, I don't want to keep you from the bar any longer than necessary, I sense there are quite a few dry throats in the room, not least my own. To end on a nice positive note, I was hoping to dish out a few pearls of wisdom about marriage. I can't claim to have any wealth of experience in this area to draw on myself, so I did a bit of asking around to see if anyone could tell me the secret of a successful marriage and, predictably, no one answer came out on top. There were the usual tips – not leaving the toilet seat up, remembering birthdays, remembering anniversaries, buying flowers regularly, but not so often that it becomes suspicious, having kids, not having kids, all of these came up as ingredients in a happy marriage – the list was pretty much endless. But two ingredients that absolutely everyone was agreed on were a beautiful wife, and a loving husband, and on that score I think these two are pretty well set up. So on that note can I ask you all to be upstanding, and raise your glasses in a toast to the happy couple, Richard and Tracy.