Speech by Tim Brace

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Brace
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Before I humiliate Paul and Hayley for making me wear this suit I would first like to thank and applaud both sets of Parents for a well-organised day, also the Bridesmaid, flower girls and page boys did a wonderful job, WELL DONE. Oh and the ushers weren't bad either.

A wise man once told me that a Best Mans speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love. So, thank you, and good night.

If truth be known I'm a little nervous making this speech… I mean, this is not the FIRST TIME TODAY I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Talking of the toilet…I don't know if Paul was nervous, but I found one of these in the loo this morning. BRICK

I would just like to say what an honour it is to be a part of Paul and Hayley's special day. I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding…look even the cake is in tiers.

I would like to think that I've been quite successful at my best man duties up until this point.

• The first part, getting the groom to the church on time and sober, was a complete success. A far cry from the state Paul was on his stag night !!!! VERY LATE and VERY DRUNK

• One of the next duties was the delicate task of keeping Paul's ex-girlfriends from coming here today.

Thankfully this has been made a lot easier since the recent foot and mouth outbreaks. Quarantine laws meant that none of them could actually be here today.

• On the subject animals.… Paul is a bit of a dark horse. After a bit of delving in to his past I have discovered that he has handed out a lot of SPARE front door keys to his house over the years and I think it's only fair that now that he has settled down and married Hayley it would be the ideal opportunity to ask those of you that have received the spare front door key from Paul could you return them to him now please.

Paul could you stand to greet the ladies.

PAUSE UNTIL GIRLS SIT DOWN.

• Anyone else… ?

When Paul asked me to be his best man, I had to go and find out about such things as the best man's speech & wedding format. I discovered that there are 3 key elements to the wedding service. These are as follows…

• The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.

• The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.

• The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage.

I think Hayley must have been reading the same book because as she was standing next to Paul in church today, I'm sure I heard her saying the words…
“I'll altar him…I'll alter him!”

Actually, during the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 23 years ago Hayley's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…(pause) and here they are again today.

Something that Paul will have to get used to is Hayley's early morning wake up calls, which, I think, everyone has had to experience many times. She will blow her nose and to put it nicely it's like a foghorn. I can assure you that if the noise doesn't awaken you, the earth movement will that follows will, I think 3.2 on the Richter scale is the record so far! So Paul if you want a lie in I think you'd better use these Earplugs.

Football

Paul was telling me on the stag night that he thinks that marriage is like his beloved football.

• He's fully committed
• intends to score between the posts every Saturday
• change ends at half time,
• and play away from home for half the season.
• Funnily Hayley reckons that he'll definitely have a groin injury if he does and will be the quickest way of being put on the transfer list.

Paul lists his hobbies as Sport, Eating and Drinking
His idea of a well balanced diet is a BIG MAC in each hand.

Yes, your groom is a man of vision……sometimes BLURRED….sometimes DOUBLE.

Unfortunately, Paul was NOT a PRETTY baby – his mum didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born.

I hope your first night together as a MARRIED couple runs smoothly. After all I have heard that Paul has always been rather NAIVE when it comes to what we'll call Bedroom Gymnastics…….He actually believes the MUTUAL CLIMAX is an INSURANCE COMPANY.

I've got a contact at Caldicot Comp and I managed to get my hands on a few of Paul's old school reports, which were interesting to read: For Example.…

Maths: Although very keen, Paul has a distinct problem telling the difference between inches and millimeters! Hayley tells me he still has the same problem to this day!

Religious Education: Paul's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Music: Paul takes a very hands on approach to music, but I'd wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing the instruments rather than with himself”.

Yes, Ladies and Gentleman … Here is a man who likes to impress people by putting the letters B.Sc. as in the degree and not mad cow, after his name,….What he didn't tell anyone is that they actually stood for Bronze Swimming Certificate !!!!!!!

Most of you will probably know that Paul and Hayley have been making improvements on their house and have more improvements planned for the future, so it looks like they'll have to get practicing their DIY skills. Paul, however has assured me that they'll get all the DIY practice they need on their honeymoon…as they'll be banging and screwing every day.

So as not to embarrass the happy couple I have decided not to included the antics of the Stag and Hen Night…… but the photos for both will be available this evening and as they say .. a picture paints a thousand words.

Also I have promised not to mention the redecoration of Anne's bathroom by Hayley after a night on Cider and Black … I'll leave you to explain that one Hayley !

Before the toast, I would like to share my picture of Paul and Hayley in the morning after their wedding night.…

Paul will call room service and order a full English breakfast for himself, the works… Bacon, Egg, Sausage, Fried Toast. For his new wife, he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot. The room service lady will of course be puzzled and ask if Hayley would like anything else, at which point Paul will reply… I am conducting an experiment … I wanted to see if she eats like a rabbit too!

TOAST: My final task is to propose a toast so if you will all raise your glasses for a toast to the Bridesmaids

Right that's about it from me… I hope it's been entertaining, but If you think I could have been a touch better… I promise I'll improve my technique for his next one!

I will pass you back to Mr. Jones as I think he said he was going to sing us a song.

Cards

1. Paul, we could have been so good together. – That one is from Kylie Minogue.

2. Those Saturday nights at the Wine Bar will never be the same. Dale Winton

3. This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips

4. Hayley – we have found Paul useless in every position. Hope you have more luck. From the Cross Hop Football Team.