Speech by Tim G

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim G
Speech Date: 04/07/2011 15:32:47

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman; for those of you that don't know me my name is ‘Tim what would you like to drink ****’, I hope many of you will come and say hello at the bar later – but please be aware I will ignore you unless you use my full name. Today I've been given the honour of being Nick's best man.

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If I do stutter and stumble my words for the next 5 minutes it's because I am very nervous and the 5 pints of Larger and 2 double Jack Daniel & coke I've consumed have not helped! To put my nerves into context for you, it's the 3^rd time this afternoon that I have risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand! (PAUSE) Don't worry Clare I've spoken to Slater's you won't lose the suit deposit for mild staining

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I'd like to start off by publically congratulating the happy couple. Marriage asks that couples take each other for better or worse and Nick, you really couldn't have done any better. And Clare, .… I guess it could be worse. (PAUSE)…

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On behalf of the happy couple I would like to thank you all for travelling to be here with us today, I was only saying to Clare earlier today I think it's incredible the lengths people will go through to get a free meal nowadays… (PAUSE)

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As this is my first time being best man, I was extremely worried as to how long the speech should go on for, how explicit my stories can be etc etc so I asked around my friends and family for advice, I was told a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT…SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS (PAUSE) – apparently it is also said that it should go on for as long as it takes the groom to make love to his wife. So on that note ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much, you've been a great crowd… (sit down – back up)

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Thank you to the bridesmaids for today, as you will all agree they have done a marvellous job and all look fantastic, thank you to Nick also for arranging the traditional best man privileges my rooms’ number 65! Indeed they are only eclipsed by Clare herself, who I'm sure you'll agree looks absolutely stunning today, It's incredible what a bit of Channel and Rimmel make-up can do now a days. Seriously though ladies and gentleman, Clare does look fantastic.

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When Nick first asked me to be best man, I was overcome with joy, this is the man I've looked up to, have a lot of respect for and have spent many a memorable occasion with. But after a few minutes my thoughts of joy turned to questioning, why has he chose me? Had his other friends left the country? Who else had refused? What had I done to Nick to deserve this? Those thoughts quickly moved onto the horror of writing the The Speech, planning the stag do… the responsibility ….JESUS! Onto the speech writing I went….

Naturally, in today's world, the obvious place to start seemed to be the internet. So I began searching the world wide web. After a couple of hours i'd found some really entertaining stuff, websites included: stimulatedwife.co.uk – bridesmaidsgowild.com & wifeswap.com (PAUSE) but then i remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips (PAUSE) On reading the advice that was available in truth, I decided it was all utter crap. So I took the initiative and decided to write from the heart, by being frank, honest and sincere…

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I was genuinely absolutely over the moon when Clare gave Nick permission to ask me to be his best man. Me and Nick, well…We've been through an awful lot together, but on looking around the room, none of them are here today.… (PAUSE)

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I have been close friends with Nick since September 2003 where we met at Nottingham Trent University; we did the same course together, or should I say I did the course and Nick just turned up.

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The first night me and Nick went out together in Nottingham he stayed over. I invited Nick round for pre-night preparation with some friends which included listening to music, trying on a few outfits and inevitably spending some time in front of the mirror, or in Nicks case a lot of time in front of the mirror. (PAUSE) To my embarrassment during my meticulous preparation Nick laughed in my face for using spot cream and and concealer, low and behold ladies and gentleman one week later and Nick proudly boosted spot cream and concealer in his Man bag. From that point onwards I knew we were going to be close friends.

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Nick first told me about a lady he'd been dating called Clare Freeman during a telephone conversation in early November 2009. My initial thought was surprise and confusion, as for the first time in his life he actually managed to seduce a female without his baby blue corsa? (SHOW PICTURE)

It's a telephone conversation I won't forget for two reasons, firstly because I was dropping the kids off at the time and secondly because when I was probing for more information about Clare…when I asked him ‘what the state of play was’ he was silent for a few moments and then said “I like her – I get on with her” then he stayed quiet. I was glad I was sitting down, being stood up I probably would have collapsed. Believe me ladies and gentleman for Nick to admit an emotional attachment to a lady is as rare as NHS pay rises. (PAUSE) From that point onwards I knew Nick had found a long term partner.

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A few months into their relationship I decided it was appropriate to meet Clare as she was seducing my partner in crime. On meeting her for the first time I could fully appreciate why nick was keen, she oozed ambition, seemed clever (I later realised that to be an incorrect assumption) looked very pretty and had that added extra spice nick desired (in other words she was authoritarian). It was obvious after spending an evening together they fitted in really well together.… Nick sat down watching the TV, Clare did the housework, nick played football, Clare did the ironing, Clare took the dog for a walk nick picked the poo up… Nick moaned the Pizza was Burnt CLARE WENT MENTAL! It already seemed like married life…

I've got good news for nick and Clare – statistically, those couples who argue or debate more than 3 times a day are 75% more likely to stay together for life than those who don't engage in argument or debate. For those couples who don't argue, your partners playing away,  file the divorce papers asap!

I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be best man today.

You two will make a magnificent married couple for many years to come, and I am very proud to have been a part of your special day. With all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage.

Ladies and Gentleman, I now ask for you to join me in a toast ……..… To the Bride and Groom, Nick and Clare, Mr. and Mrs. Day.