Speech by Tim Gray

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Gray
Speech Date: Oct2006
Good afternoon Ladies and gentlemen, for those that do not know me I'm Tim or as I may be remembered,..… “that little fella with the red face who collapsed mid speech at John and Sue's wedding.

I'd like to begin by thanking John for asking me to be best man. …..I would also like to thank SUE for allowing JOHN to ask me to be best man.

As the best man I have already forfilled my role today to ensure that the groom arrives on time……sober and looking good,…..… well 2 out of three isn't bad, After all I am a best man I am not a magician!

It is certainly a surprise for me to be standing here today, I had booked Dominic the ex Landlord of the local pub who now does public speaking at dinners and weddings ………… but ….just last night I got a call from Dominic to say “Tim… look I'm really sorry but I can't possibly make it tomorrow……
……its Arsenal vs Man Utd at 12 ….and I've put your 50 quid on the grand national.”
So I am sorry John you've got me instead…….…

On behalf of the bridemaids, Sue and Julia “I'd like to thank John for his kind words and I think that they are fully justified, because they have done an excellent job and both look fantastic.

In fact they are only eclipsed by Sue who really does look beautiful. John must be feeling very happy, if not a little bit lucky today.

Now I have a few words about John:

Most of you will probably know that John was born in 1975. He shares his Birthday with Angelina Jolie and POSH Spice……..…

Sadly for John that's where the similarity ends ……………..… with his immense appetite however.… he could be accussed of sharing the same bra size as ms beckham.

John has been a friend for about 11 years ………and hopefully there are many more years to come..… The first time I met John was probably the same as a host of other people at school……… In the playground where he was selling his school dinner tickets so he could spend the money down at the local shops…..…

As you now know John wasn't always the picture of innocence that he is today and when we were at school we would quite often make the long walk down to the sports field which involved going through the park and down past the golf course. Now on the golf course there was one particular pin,….… 14 I think it was, …..where the player teeing off could not see the hole because it was hidden in a dell.

To relieve the boredom John decided that it would be a good idea when a golfer hit their ball onto the green.… to run on behind it and place it in the hole. We would then hide in the undergrowth waiting for the unsuspecting golfer to walk onto the green and discover to their amazement… that they had scored a hole in one!!!!!!.

By the end of the season, ****** Golf club, had the highest number of holes in one …..in Hertfordshire…….., and even more suspiciously….… all made on a Wednesday afternoon!!!

I don't know whether it was this that sparked Johns love of sports……..which many of you know includes playing football, golf, darts and in particular Sailing with Sue, Liz &amp Alan which I know he enjoys immensely.

As its Johns wedding I don't think that it is fair to tell you about the time when he:

Broke one of his arms showing of on his roller skates at harrow skate park.

or when he scored 135 playing golf at the Moor Park course.
or even his reputation for incessant ‘faffing’ about with his gloves, hat and sun glasses on the many skiing holidays we and our friends have enjoyed over the years.

Instead I have a story which I think is better fitting.

In his university days John played his first rugby match for Tavistock. He had never propped in his life and those who follow rugby will know that it is the most physical position on the pitch. Unfortunately his opposite number was an old prop a really ugly guy, weighing 20 stones, with tattoos.. who had obviously played the game on numerous occasions before. Using the words of one of his uni friends “John was forced to look up his own backside for 80 mins” …………..but through his own grit and determination managed to hang in there and win the day.

The end result however was less pretty and the next day he was left with no skin on his neck, he was covered in bruises and could bearly walk…..…

Another sporting highlight was when John informed me that was awarded Player of the year at football and his captain Paul said , “ The man is a genius on the pitch and.., after this announcement he will hopefully be remembered as a LEGEND.” however, this claim remains unsubstantiated at the current time.

Those people who know John will know about his other Love affair.… Yes his love of DIY.

John is currently working on the kitchen at their flat in ***** and although I am sure she was flattered, it took a bit of persuading him …..that knocking up the next wall cabinet was not the way Sue was hoping to spend the honeymoon.

John has been a good friend and always looked out for me. and when I bought a house a few years ago he very kindly used his time and expertise assisting me doing it up. I can honestly say how truly grateful I am for a friend who helped me as much as he did.

The corner shop over the road was also eternally grateful….… as to maintain his dedication and concentration I had to bribe him with a regular supply of Stella artois.

Amazingly John and I are still talking and this almost wasn't the case. 12 months ago John fitted his first ever shower… for me at my house. A week later I came downstairs after using it…… to find the dining room full of smoke..… I pulled out the fridge from the cupboard under the stairs,……..… looked over the paint cans and white spirit which John and I had carefully put there previously………to find flames and a plume of smoke pouring from the fuse box. …………So Sue word of warning – Even if John is very keen begs even and he says he knows what he is doing, don't let him put his tools anywhere where they haven't been already…..…

It has been very difficult for me as there are so many stories that I would like to tell you about John, which I am sure would have you in stitches.

I could tell you about our nights out pubbing, our skiing holidays with friends, the curry nights down at the local curry house and even the new years eves that we have had in London and St. Albans…….… I could even tell you about stories from the stag do. However I recommend that you speak to John about this as I can't remember them all.

The reason I can only remember snatches is because ….John has a higher tolerance to alcohol than I do……………..… and I would be the one passed out by the end of the evening.

Now there are some people who couldn't be here today so I would just like to read out a few messages:

This is from Paul who is currently cruising near Iraq with the Royal Navy:
“Please accept my deepest regret for not being able to attend this your special day. I know it will be a beautiful occasion and wish you both every happiness for your future together. “ Bill

Ken Kijima who is currently in Japan:
Gokekkon omedeto! &quotConglaturations!&quot
Ikenaku te totemo zan-nen des. &quotI wish I could be there&quot
Su-e nagaku oshiawase ni! &quotWish you happy lives forever!&quot

This one is for Sue – shame it did not work out for us but if the rumours are true about John give me a call – that's from Robbie Williams.

John – It was a wonderful evening and Sue is a very lucky woman – Kate Moss.

And finally all there is for me to say is:

John and Sue are two of the most genuinely nice people you could ever wish to know and I really feel honoured having you both as friends.
I know that John and Sue will have a long and happy life together and I wish them all the best in the future.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for letting me speak today and before I head for the bar ..… I hope you all can join me and be upstanding as I propose a toast to ….… …..Sue and John…..the bride and groom.