Speech by Tim Greaves

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Greaves
Speech Date: 16/08/2015 01:08:40

Before I begin, Alayna would you place your right hand on the table, and Barney would you place your left hand on top of Alayna's. All will be revealed in good time. For those of you who don't know me, and I can't think why, who WOULDN'T?!? I'm Tim, Barney's big brother. And for those that don't know, my actual birth name is “Tim-would-you-like-a-drink-Greaves”, so I'd appreciate it, for the rest of the day, if you would all use the name my parents gave me please. First and foremost, and on behalf of Barney and Alayna, I would like to thank you all for coming here for this most special occasion. In particular all of our Aussie contingent, who have all made it over especially for today. It always amazes me just how far some people are prepared to travel for some free food and drink. Also, on the Bride and Groom's behalf, I'd like to thank the bridesmaids Eirian and Lizzie, who did a wonderful job today and I'm sure you'll agree they both look fantastic. They come second only to Alayna who is looking simply stunning, and Barney who just looks……simple and stunned!! I'd also like to personally thank Barney and Alayna for asking me to play a small part in their big day. I guess it goes without saying that Barney would ask me to be his best man, not because I'm the best [pause] but due to the fact that we're brothers. I think he hoped that I'd let him off lightly, it seems he has forgotten that I've given 2 best man speeches before [Look to Barney] so I hope you're prepared for this little bruv! It's obviously customary for the best man's speech to offend, embarrass, and praise the groom. You'll be pleased to know that I shall be doing all 3 of these today. In preparation for today I did a little research and looked back at whether there were any momentous events that occurred on the day Barney was born. Unfortunately it appears that nothing much seems to have happened on May 21st 1985. Although I did find out that the nurses on the ward where Barney was born still refer to that day as UGLY TUESDAY! Having been a single child for as long as 10 years, I always remember mom telling me about the excitement I had when she first told me I was to become a big brother. When asked if the reason for my excitement was down to the fact that I'd now have a little brother or sister to play with….I turned to her and promptly replied with “NO, IT'S BECAUSE I'LL NOW HAVE SOMEONE THAT I CAN BOSS AROUND!” But to be honest, and hopefully mom will back me up on this, while I tried my best to play with him and occupy his boredom as a youngster, it was usually more a case of Barney bidding ME around! There's been so many highs and lows over the years, too many to mention, and most of them at Barney's expense. Like the time he ran into our plate glass patio doors thinking they were still open! Or the time that he played the part of ‘Widow Twanky’ in his primary school play, where he had the whole audience in fits of laughter with the way his very ample boobage kept slipping down needing constant correction….I'm sure all you ladies can relate to that?? Or the time when Barney was about 9 and came to visit us at uni. One of the bedrooms in our shared house was empty, so we decided to turn the bed on its side and have impromptu games of indoor volleyball. I'm sure those games used to go on for hours! It was probably about then that his competitive sporting streak began to rear its ugly head. And I would tell you all about the ‘hilarious’ time we had on the ski bus in Chamonix, but it's probably not suitable for those of you with a nervous disposition….so you'll have to ask Barney later on if anyone's intrigued to know more!! Speaking of that competitive sporting streak of his, I think it's safe to say that he inherited that from our old man. Where I chose to follow in Dad's footsteps with the sport of cycling, Barney, as we all know chose another of Dad's sporting interests….GOLF! The game once described by the author Mark Twain as “….a good walk spoiled”. But he took to it like a duck to water. As well as every waking moment to play his chosen sport, he's also worked in the industry at a number of different places over the years. I'd say that his most defining moment has been only this year, when he managed to place joint 2nd overall, out of 2000 starters, in the amateur Aussie-wide ‘Race to Bonville’ series. My personal highlight comes in the form of a quote from the media following the series. When, during the heats, the reviewer rates Barney's performance as follows:- “Putting all his scratch marker skills to good use, national finalist Barney Greaves made winning a habit by collecting both the Golf Buddy Challenge and 14th hole Titleist prizes. The beaming Englishman walked away with his arms full of prizes, ending a summer of national defeat at the hands of the Aussies.” I'm sure I speak for everyone in England, even the defeated Aussies in this room, when I say how proud we all are at your achievements, but I know Dad would have been doubly proud. So I'd like you to join me in raising your glasses to our Dad, and other loved ones that can't be with us today [GLASS] And we come to Barney and Alayna, the happy couple. So where do I begin?? I guess I've got to go all the way back to the beginning. There was Barney, 21 years young, off on his worldly travels, with Thailand as his first port of call. I was never quite sure what Mom and Dad's opinion of all this was….but when we found out Barney had met someone and was bringing her back to England….I know for certain that Dad was just very happy that she wasn't one of those very ‘confused’ girls from Bangkok!!! In fact when they did arrive back in the UK, Dad, in his usual cheesy lovable way welcomed our very own ‘Sheila’ into Spies Lane with open arms (and a huge 6 x 3 sign adorning the front of the house!). It was kind of a shame though, as I don't think he EVER really did manage to pronounce your name right Alayna…bless him. They stayed at mom and dad's for about a year. It was then that we found out just how compatible they are for each other…as it became apparent that neither of them minded living in a complete tip of a bedroom…it was a match made in heaven!! AND from what I've seen in the last couple of weeks…NOTHING'S CHANGED! But in other ways, they've obviously grown up and matured together, and hopefully don't prove to be too much of a headache for Jenny and Alun when they're back in Melbourne, not off travelling the world. I'm sure you'll be missed by them when you move out and get your own place. I know we all miss you both when you're not here. But we're all very glad, at least the Brits amongst us, that you decided to get married over here. I don't think you'd have had quite as many friends and family attending. Now in case you are wondering why I asked Barney to place his hand on Alayna's, I will tell you now. As my final role, it is with great pleasure Barney, that I have been able to give you the last 5 to 10 minutes in which you have had the upper hand on Alayna! But I'm afraid to say that it will most certainly be the last!!! But seriously, I personally would like to say best of luck, I really am absolutely delighted for both of you. I hope you have a long and happy future together. And thank you Barney, it really has been a great honour to be standing here today as your best man. Just before I finish, I have a couple of little anecdotes that I'd like to offer you both for the future.… …Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it's about finding the one person you can't live without! And this one's for you Alayna, apparently..… …A husband is much like a tiled floor…lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it!!!

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Greaves…To Barney and Alayna [GLASS]