Speech by Tim Hewitt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Hewitt
Speech Date: sep 2003
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.
This isn't easy, for a number of reasons; firstly because Duncan is a man who guards his reputation like the Crown Jewels; secondly, because my wife could go into labour any minute now; and finally because I am about to trailblaze a whole new brand of Jamaico-Scottish humour. “From Dunns River falls to Dundas Castle walls…” you see, it isn't easy!
Having said that it is truly an honour to be able to talk in tribute to a man of high achievement, flawless integrity, piercing intellect and impeccable wit – and if I ever get that opportunity, I'll make the most of it.
In the meantime I'd like to say what a wonderful wedding ceremony we witnessed earlier. I think everyone here would agree that Vanessa looked absolutely stunning.
And what a venue! I can well understand why Duncan and Vanessa decided that this was the place for their wedding – packed full of history and romance. In fact, I don't know whether any of you noticed Vanessa repeatedly glancing at the corner of the Keep during the ceremony – well, I discovered that there's an old underground escape passage that takes you right out of the castle… its true!
The marriage ceremony asks that couples take each other for better or for worse. Duncan, in finding Vanessa you really couldn't have done any better. Vanessa… well, it could be worse.
I did a lot of research for this speech talking to friends and family and it was soon clear to me how highly Duncan is held in many people's affections, notably along Sloane Street where the staff at Gucci were most concerned to hear that Duncan wouldn't be around until after the honeymoon.
So what did I find out? Well most people were quick to comment on one particular aspect of Duncan, which I'll come back to, but I wanted more, and what better place to start then by delving into the McNab family album.
[PHOTO] – I couldn't find anything funny to say about this but it provides a nice start to things…
Researching into Duncan's birthday I was delighted to learn that he shares the day with Sue Pollard of ‘Hi De Hi’ fame! So that crush he had on her wasn't so bizarre after all.
In fact, Duncan's birth in Perth, was celebrated by everyone in Scotland – no exaggeration – although it did coincide with the 8th anniversary of the introduction of Duty free to Scotland, so that might have played a part in it.
Shortly after his birth Duncan was quick to develop his uncompromising negotiation skills…
[PHOTO]
I think it's fair to say that Duncan is as single-minded today when he's hungry.
As Duncan grew, so did his competitive edge. Enter ‘Duncan the barbarian’
[PHOTO]
When competing, Duncan could never be accused of ‘ageism’ in his choice of opponent. Take the time when Duncan was 15 and Tom was 10 and they were the last two players left on the pitch in a game of World Cup rules football. The next person to score would win the match. Tensions were running high! After some punishing tackles, Tom fired the ball into the back of the net and started celebrating. But Duncan was quick to point out that there had been an infringement, too complex for young Tom to understand but serious enough for the goal to be disallowed. Duncan then jogged back to the half way line demanding a restart. Game on and Tom broke through and scored again. “Hand ball!” shouted Duncan and insisted on a free kick, which he booted into the goal claiming victory.
Duncan continued to compete at just about everything – football, snooker, golf, even pottery. When he was 10 years old his ‘clay elephant’ whipped the competition to win a host of prizes at school.
But there's more to Duncan then his love of a good contest.
During his teenage years, early signs of discontent began to manifest themselves.
His dissatisfaction with the Thatcher government led him to apply to join the Communist Party when he was 16. Although his mum decided not to post his application particularly since he was working for McDonalds at the time, and no doubt looking for a second star on the uniform).
While he was flipping hamburgers in McDonalds, Duncan contacted a pen pal in the US and they started writing to each other. However, he soon tired of the “Do you have any hobbies?” line of questioning in these letters and upped the ante with a letter condemning President Reagan as unfit for office. Now I'm not sure that she was quite prepared for this tirade from across the Atlantic. Duncan never heard from her again.
After his spell at McDonalds (and having no doubt achieved the full complement of stars), Duncan moved on to Olympus Sports where he was firmly back in the competitive arena of selling trainers. It wasn't long though before Marks & Spencers beckoned although he didn't enjoy his time re-stocking the slipper department and with his A-levels behind him he decided on a spell in insurance.
Anyway I've given you a flavour of Duncan's competitiveness in the field of sports and work. For the second half of my speech I thought I'd focus on one of Duncan's favourite pastimes – looking good.
Now the first sign that Duncan took fashion seriously came at an early age. Too early by some standards.
[PHOTO]
But this look was merely a precursor to Duncan's punk phase. Yes, he had the spiky hair, a pair of Dr Martens and a black and green mohair jumper but alas no photos were taken of him – probably for the same reasons his Communist Party application form wasn't posted; it was just a phase.
Indeed it wasn't long before Duncan had cast off the Dr Martens in favour of a pair of espadrilles. Just as soon as the first episode of Miami Vice had finished, Duncan was the Don Johnson of the Glasgow region with jacket sleeves rolled up, and a coating of stubble – just a hint of ginger betraying his Scottish roots.
Another year, another look and this time I have a photo! It's difficult to explain this one but I guess Brideshead Revisited with a touch of Frankie Goes to Hollywood…?
[PHOTO]
Duncan soon tired of this squeaky clean look and returned to his Marxist roots for enlightenment developing a mighty beard which Karl Marx himself would have been proud of.
And that's when I met him – 13 years ago and if that's unlucky for anyone it was probably unluckiest for the headhunter that we initially worked for.
Yes, Duncan had an early calling to the world of recruitment. Straight out of college, while I was finding my feet, Duncan was cultivating his beard. However, it was soon made clear to him by the managing partner that his beard was the only thing between him and a career in headhunting; he said “You're alright from the neck down but the granny glasses and beard will have to go”. Suffice to say Duncan was somewhat crestfallen and by the days end completely ‘beardfallen’ too. It was shaved off and has never been seen since.
And now? Well, Duncan has a sort of ‘laid-back, cosmopolitan’ wardrobe or David Beckham meets Jon Motson. Chic without being too showy. It's a fine balance to strike though and Duncan's brown suede trousers always excite a great deal of comment.
Even when the stakes are high, Duncan will not compromise on style. Less than an hour before stepping up to the podium to read at Nigel's wedding, Duncan arrived gracing a brand new suit by Ragu or some such Italian name, only to discover it was a black tie wedding! Without a moments hesitation he was sprinting for the car, with Vanessa following behind, and they screeched off in a cloud of dust down to the nearest Moss Bros. Duncan managed to hire evening dress and they were back on the road in no time when he realised he'd left his sunglasses on the counter. Having picked them up, they eventually made it to the wedding with 10 minutes to spare! While Duncan looked immaculate, Vanessa had 3 minutes to brush the dust out of her hair, pull on her outfit and take a pew ready for the service.
Of course it hasn't always gone so well. Walking down Kingsway one evening in a Valentino suit, Duncan was passing a busy Chinese restaurant when he slipped in a small lake of cooking oil, congealed grease, authentic Kung-Po sauce and egg fried rice and landed flat on his back. Looking like a set-menu for one, confused on-lookers started calling out menu numbers as he struggled home on the tube.
But I don't want to leave you thinking Duncan is preoccupied with looking good the whole time. He has another great trait, which anyone who knows him well will recognise – his sociability and good humour. Duncan loves to be around people.
In fact there were so many parties during Duncan's days at college that he had to think of ways of economising (another betrayal of his Scottish roots). One party that he went to was hosted by some pretentious students. He needed to buy some wine and having scoured the shelves at ‘Costcutters’ his eye alighted on a bottle for £1.50 with a sumptuous looking French label that looked impressively expensive. Now all he needed to do was give it that straight-from-the-cellar fustiness to reinforce its exclusiveness. So, Duncan got to work moistening the label and rolling it across the top of his wardrobe to give it a good coating of dust. Ingenius – the lucky hosts were impressed with Duncan's extravagance and Duncan spent the rest of the night drinking their beer. Everyone was happy!
Now that I'm reaching the end of my speech, and while we're on the subject of wine, I'd like to share with Duncan and Vanessa some advice that I recently read. Vanessa, remember that men are like fine wine… they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp on them in the dark, until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.
On the other hand Duncan, women are also like fine wine… they will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.
I mentioned at the start that Duncan guards his reputation like the Crown Jewels – now I never set out to expose his Crown Jewels (not even on the Stag do) but I hope that I've at least managed to convey some of the gems that make him who he is. Duncan has many fine points – not only is he funny and great company, but he is also perceptive and understanding, with a strong sense of loyalty to his good friends. It's not often that you can go into business with a friend and come out the other side still friends, but that's what happened and I know we will remain close for a long time to come.
I also know that Duncan and Vanessa are going to be very happy together and I wish you both the very best for the future.
Ladies and gentlemen, with great pleasure I invite you all to stand and raise your glasses as a toast to the new couple, Duncan and Vanessa!