Speech by Tim Jupp

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Jupp
Speech Date: 08/07/2011 12:38:36

It is a great honour that Paul has asked me to be his best man but in all honesty i was a little bit nervous about doing this speech, so I prepared a few lines and now I have snorted them I must say I feel a whole lot better.

Firstly it is part of the official duties of the best man to thank Paul on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words and for having them play a part in this really special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job.

Indeed they are only eclipsed by Lindsey herself who I am sure you will agree, looks stunning.

However, I haven't  personally been to a wedding for a while so I am a little out of touch, but I have seen quite a few on a programme I have been watching on Sky recently and I must honestly say Lindsey that I was a little disappointed when I saw your dress that it was not 9 feet wide with a twenty foot long train and it didn't  light up with fairy lights. But perhaps that was just limited to Pauls first marriage. Still, on the plus side, since the divorce settlement you haven't been short of pegs or heather!

It is also part of my duty as best man to ensure that Paul got to the church on time smartly dressed and looking good.

The smartly dressed bit went ok but I gave up on the looking good part because if God couldn't do it first time around what chance did I stand?

Now as I said it is a great honour to be a best man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas? The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web. After a couple of hours surfing I found some really good stuff, but then I remembered I was meant to be looking for best man tips and most of the stuff I had found my mum told me would make me go blind. I did actually find loads of ready prepared speeches on the internet but sadly none of them were about a couple called Paul & Lyndsey, so it looks like it is down to me after all.

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the grooms praises and tell you all his good points, well I am very sorry, I can't sing and I wont lie.  I do have to say though Paul how lucky you are to be leaving here today having a wife that is warm, loving and caring. And Lyndsey how lucky you are as well, you leave today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers.

The internet also suggested that I asked Friends and family about Paul, many of Pauls friends described him as a first class banker, but with him being a lift engineer I figure I must have misheard them.

Some other words you could use to describe Paul are charming, intelligent and entertaining but nobody said those so I won't use them.

He was however once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish, and lets face it if anyone would know him it would be Mum.

Speaking of Mum, she informed me the day that changed her life was August 26^th 1968, that was the day Paul was born, complete and utter agony for Mum, and nothing has changed since.

Now if you didn't know, Paul and Lindsey met each other on the internet and I believe when Paul first met Lindsey face to face he was knocked off his feet, at last SHE was actually a she. He could now put all those other ‘experiences’ behind him. After a few dates Paul took her to a posh hotel for dinner which I understand went superbly. In the morning Paul ordered a full English breakfast for himself and a lettuce leaf for Lindsey apparently this was because he wanted to see if she ate like a rabbit as well.

I have a few messages to read out from people who couldn't make it today:-

To Paul, we could have been so good together, I will miss our nights by the pool, lots of love Michael Barrymore.

Dear Paul, congratulations on getting married and on also winning our big spender of the month award, lots of love from all the dancers at Inhibitions Gentlemens Club ,Slough.

Before I finish I would like to give Paul some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage, so here are a few:-

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is boss, then do everything Lindsey says.

Secondly, never forget to say those 3 little words, your right dear.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions.

Whenever you are wrong be a man and admit it, whenever you are right just say nothing.

As they say, a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man, a man who gives in when he is right is married.

I would like to finish up by saying again what a great honour it has been to be Pauls best man today, i'm glad that after all these years he has finally admitted that I am the better man.

If you would all be upstanding in my toast.

May your love for each other be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last for ever,

To the new Mr & Mrs Jupp, paul & Lindsey.