Speech by Tim Parsons

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Parsons
Speech Date: Aug2004
hi my names tim and i'm an alcohlic..… opps sorry wrong speech

OK WELL I HOPE YOU'VE ALL HAD A GOOD DAY SO FAR,

BEFORE I START CAN I JUST SAY HOW LOVELY I THOUGHT LISA LOOKED TODAY.
PRINCESS ANN
When B.… first asked me to be his best man, I thought it would be a
terrific honour,
But, as time has gone by I've realised that being best man is a lot like
making love to princess Ann,
it's a great honour, but you wish to god someone else was doing it.

SO I THOUGHT I'D DO A BIT OF RESEARCH INTO IT

I want to share a little more about what I found in my research. I read a
book that stated that there are three key
elements to a successful wedding day. They are as follows:

The Aisle – The longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – The place where two become one.
The Hymn – The celebration of the marriage.

I think L.… must have read the same book, because after taking the vows
earlier today, I'm pretty sure I heard her mumbling those same three things.

– – – Aisle Altar Hymn.

DON'T MENTION THESE THINGS
After working on this speech for a little while i thought it may be a good
idea to have a word with b.… to see if there was anything he realy didn't
want me to mention. to which he came up with a few things like,

THE STAGNIGHT BAD SCHOOLDAYS THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW HIS
TEMPER TANTRUMS

ABCESSION TO WIN AT EVERYTHING.

and finally
HIS CROSS DRESSING ACCOUNT AT TRANSFORMATION !

so i'll try as hard as i can not to mention any of that but it realy
wouldn't leave me a lot to work with.

STAG NIGHT SKINT NOW JIMMY SAID GLOUSTER ROAD

WELL THE STAG NIGHT.. WERE ALL SKINT NOW ..JIMMY COULDN'T SEE WHY WE ALL
COULDN'T GO DOWN THE GLOUSTER ROAD…

THROUGHING EGGS
a good place to start would be b.… first day at secondary school when
having only been there for a matter of hours he was asked to go home for
throughing eggs at some inocent young girl and hitting her clean in the
face…

after the meat fly went beserk …ahh for those of you who haven't met the meat fly that will be jimmy b.… dad over there.

FIREWORKS PARENTS DAY
he went back and to his credit he tryed real hard but those behavurall
problems just kept coming back and low and be hold on parents day just when the head master was walking up the corridor WOSH young b.… lets of
firework rocket striaght down the corridor straight at him… oh dear…

USLESS IN MOST POSITIONS
but he was a good footballer well i thought at the time he was anyway but
after a conversation with jimmy the meat fly he reckons and jimmy was a
footballer mind that brett was pretty usless in most positions
lets hope l..… gets a bit more luck later..…

MEETING JIMMY IN HIS PANTS
at first the had to met each others parents l.… went upto meet jimmy sally and the kids and there was jimmy sat in his chair in his pants…alright lover .

NEEDLE FISH WITH NORM
then b.… went on holiday with l.… and here mun and dad and norm and
b.… thought it would be a good idea to swim out to the jetty but when they got there they were surronded by needle fish i mean hundreds of them. there was a diver there and he said this is well dodgy so b.… said will they bit and the diver replied no but as there are so many of them they will probably stick in you and cause a lot of discumfort well he'd hardly finished saying this when WOSH b.… pushes norm straight in the middle of them and makes a break for it..

L.… GOES ON FIRMS DOES ALONE
so b..… and l.… moved to yate l.… is doing rely well in the bank and b.… is also doing well with his carpets. l.… knows now to go on here firms does on here own as the one and only time she took b.… he thought it would be a good idea to tell everybody that he thought the food and service was crap to which there was an ery silence and they were horrified..

FINDING HIS LAD IN NEWQUAY
he had a lad working for him once and he pre payed him so he could go to
newquay for the weekend under the understanding that he would be back to
work on monday for a big job. the lad didn't came home on the monday so
b.… mad as hell drove to newquay with a van full of carpet not knowing
were he was staying mind and drove through all the camp sites like a
loonatict trying to find him.

GOLF WAS GOOD HERE TODAY BUT THE 5 WOOD AT WOODLANDS COULD HAVE BEEN
REPAIRED as some of you no we played golf here this morning great course nice company b.… didn't lose thank god .
golf is b.… only vice now and he is very passionate to say the least about it. losing is not an option.
when i first started playing golf with bob and b.… we played at woodlands and on the 4th hole he played a bad shot with his wedge and in his temper he smashed the club into the rest of his cluds and took the head of his 5 wood which at the time was his favorite clud on reolising what had happend he through his 5 wood in the lake only to find out later that it could have been easily repaired..

BLUE AND WHITE POWKA DOT BIKINI
My wife and i went over b… and l.… one night and l.… cooked home made pizza you gotta try that its supurb, anyway a few drinks later b.… tells us that one night for a laugh he went upstairs and put l.… swim suit on and drew nipples on it with a black marker pen me and my wife just looked puzzled and thought o ahh. so next minute down comes b.… with it on over his clothes. well the next day we were playing golf at woodlands around 12 of us so i got there early and buy the time b.… got there i'd told everyone that l.… had come home and caught him with this on and nothing else on every one was on the tee signing he whore a inssy binssy blue and white pokkadot bikinni .…

THE GIRLS ARE HERE
we went on holiday for a week and we all went in the waterpark after a while l… and l.… took my son off to the shops and me and b..… were sliding down the flumes and after a while i said to him wanna go in the sauna . he said ok i've not been in one before so in we went. after about 4 minutes he said sod this mate i'm boiling and left. about 10 mins go by and he sticks his head in the sauna and says come on the girls are here so i get up and leave when we get out to the flumes i say to him were are they then and he says there not here realy but come on mate lets go on this.…

SHRINKING HIS CLOTHES AND HIS LINING TROUSERS
B… thinks L… is always shrinking his close. Darling you've shrunk my
linen trousers look at this stood at the top of the stairs yeah I think
those are mine luv.

BAR STAFF
There are two people, who today, we have all taken into our hearts…… and
without them, this day would not have been the success it has. ……Ladies and Gentlemen……, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast (short pause), The Bar Staff!

WELL I'M COMING TO A CLOSE NOW.. WELL ITS MY THROAT SEE .… B.… SAID
HE'D CUT IT IF I GO ON TO LONG

FROM NOW ON B..… THE BEST WAY TO REMEMBER YOUR WEDDING ANNIVERSORY IS TO FORGET IT ONCE

WHEN YOUR RIGHT AND YOU KNOW YOUR RIGHT THATS THE TIME TO SHUT YOUR GOB

BUT SERIOUSLY.…

MAY YOUR LOVE BE MODERN ENOUGH TO SURVIVE THE TIMES AND OLD FASHION ENOUGH TO LAST FOR EVER

THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO B— WAS L— HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW THAT AND KNOW YOU KNOW THAT SO ON THAT NOTE CAN I PLEASE ASK YOU TO RAISE YOUR GLASSES FOR A TOAST TO MR AND MRS P..…

THANK YOU………………..