Speech by Tim Stewart

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim Stewart
Speech Date: Mar 2001
On behalf of Nikki, Sarah and Catherine. Thank you Mike for those kind
words.

Can everyone hear me OK?
I can't speak very loudly, I've got a sore throat –
I went to the docs, who looked in my mouth and said ‘can you aaah’.
I said ‘why’
He said ‘my dogs just died’

For those I've not met, I'm ‘Tim what you drinking?’ Please come meet me at the bar later.

When Mike asked me to be Best Man, he said one of the reasons he chose me
was because I could be trusted not to say anything embarrassing.

Before I betray that trust I'd like to say a few words about Louise.

She looks absolutely beautiful today.
She always has such a genuine smile it makes everyone around want to smile
too.
She is one of the nicest and happiest people you could wish to meet.
Louise, I'm honoured to have you as a sister in law.

Such a beautiful, intelligent and happy girl could have the choice of any
man.
The main theme of my speech is why Mike? What is so special about him?

Over the last few months I've made extensive investigations and I think I've
found the answer:

First of all I looked at his school life – the wonder years.
Being 4 years older than Mike (yes, its true I am the older brother), I didn
‘t see much of him at school.
I've searched my negative archives to get a picture of what Mike was like as a teenager ..in particular, how he related to girls.

First Picture – This image, paints a picture of a man who knows where he's
going in life:

That's Mike at the top there looking very content and happy – lots of very
pretty girls around him – although non of them that close.

Why? …I've the latest digital technology to magnify and enhance this
picture to find out why the girls have kept their distance..

Second Picture – ……it is because Mike had a rather intimate relationship with a slug. You can see it, crawling across his top lip.

Mike was obviously content to wait for a very special woman.

You can see by the barcode pattern on his jumper that Mike was into
computers at this time which brings me to his working life:

Mikes enthusiasm for women increased here, albeit misguidedly, as
illustrated by a story Simon Whitfield told to me at the stag night:

Simon often passed Mike in Yarm on his way to work.
On one of these occasions Simon was waving to another, blonde, friend. As
soon as he was got to work Mike phoned Simon to ask who this gorgeous blonde bombshell was. To which, Simon replied…..Steve Henderson!

Seriously though, it's Mikes working life that has given him the
opportunities to travel the world and experience many different cultures.
Could it be these far away and exotic cultures that gave Mike the knowledge
and ability to woo Louise?

Mike travelled to Europe, the States, the Bahamas, Norway, Greece, South
America, the Middle East and The Far East(?).
He has worked and socialised with different nationalities and cultures
across the globe.
He has learned all the subtleties of social interaction on an international
scale.
He has noted the little idiosyncrasies of most countries, for example:
He was telling me at the stag night how in Indian Hotel rooms they
conveniently position the telephone next to the toilet. I assume this has
something to do with Deli Belly, and travellers have to spend considerable
time on the loo. Do the ‘ring tone’ gag?

Could it have been this jet set life style that prepared Mike for his first
meeting with Louise?

When they Met
I wasn't there that fateful night when they met, I've got conflicting
stories as to what happened, I think the truth went something like:
In a drunken stupor, staggering out of the Kebab Shop, in Yarm, covered in
grease and slavering into a Large Donna, their eyes met.
I don't know if it was love at first sight, but Mike quickly decided to have a kebab too!

Seriously though, how did Mike use his wealth of cultural experience to win
Louise's heart?

Envelope – Ladies and Gentlemen, in this envelope I have the answer, the
secret to Mike's success.

Mike has kept this a closely guarded secret.
He even lied to his own brother when I got close to the truth.
In fact it was only because he accidentally let it slip to a few people,
here today that I now know.

Now they are married I'm sure Mike will allow me to reveal to you how he
used cultural knowledge to charm Louise.

Mike told me last summer he was taking Louise for a quiet weekend away,
somewhere r e a l l y nice, somewhere very special.
I now know where that place is – a place rich in culture and tradition.
This envelope contains that location.
Open Envelope – Mike took Louise to..… …..… Butlins in
Minehead!

Ladies and gentlemen for Mike and Louise's benefit would you please shout
these words after me.
.Hi De Hi Mike and Louise!

SINCERE NOTE
I has been said that being Best Man is rather like being invited to sleep
with the Queen Mother..
..it is a great honour, but you would much rather someone else do it.

Well it has been a great honour, and I've thoroughly enjoyed it.
I would like to thank Mike for asking me to be his best man.
I would also like to thank Louise.. for letting Mike ask me to be his best
man.

MESSAGES from people who couldn't be here

TO Louise — We could have been so good together — Love Robbie Williams
TO Mike — We could have been so good together — Love Steve Henderson

TOASTS
And Finally… Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I'd
like to pass on:

To Louise:
If you love something, .set it free.
If it comes back, ..it was, ..and always will be,.. yours.
If it never returns, .it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, ..messes up your stuff, …eats your
food, …uses the telephone, …takes your money, .and never behaves as if
you set it free in the first place,..
you either married it or gave birth to it.

To Mike:
Now you are married remember…you can ALWAYS have the last say..… " YES
DEAR "

On behalf of the Bride and Groom .I would like to thank everyone here for
sharing their day,
.. particularly those of you who have travelled long distances.

1st TOAST
I started planning this speech 6 months ago,
.and you probably feel like I have been delivering it equally as long,
..but it now gives me immense pleasure, ..(and relief!),
..to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Mike and
Louise, ..

…Mr and Mrs Stewart.

We wish them well for the future .and hope they enjoy a long .and happy
marriage.

2nd TOAST
Could you please remain standing and join me in a toast to the Louise's
parents for this special day..

.’to Peter and Kate’

.and to my parents who's love and support over the years has made Mike and I
such charming men!

.’to Pat and Clive (Mum and Dad)’

.. and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.