Speech by Tim

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tim
Speech Date: Aug 1998
Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Stephen for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful, and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Liza to the church on time.

It has been said that being Best Man is like making love to the Queen: it's a great honour, but no one wants to do it! Even so, I agreed to be Stephen's Best Man, and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty of getting Stephen to the church, sober and on time was a complete success.

So, now it is customary for me to lay into Stephen, which is the only reason I agreed to be Best Man in the first place.
Stephen was born on 17th June 1969, the same year Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Concorde took to the skies. He shares his birthday with Barry Manilow.

I met Stephen when I started primary school aged 4, and I have a lot of memories of Stephen at the farm in Pidley, particularly football on the front and back lawns, the barns, the potatoes, and Stephen driving his Dad's tractor into a ditch. Stephen started at Ramsey Ailwyn, and I moved away for a few years and we lost touch. We managed to meet up again a few years later when he
was delivering eggs to my Gran's house during the summer holidays. We became friends again, despite his ‘Duran Duran’ flick hairstyle, and I virtually moved into Sue's house over the next few years.

We eventually left school and Stephen started work on a farm. Fortunately they bred sheep, which, I discovered on his stag night, he has a particular soft spot for. I moved to Somersham to share a house first with Tim, then Stephen. It was during this time that three incidents occurred.

The first was Stephen qualified as an electrician. This was despite a particularly heavy the night before his last exam, which was his 21st birthday. I would like to say that he was so drunk that he was up all night being sick, but this is nothing unusual nowadays, and I'm sure Liza is used to finding Stephen asleep in the bathroom at 5 am by now.
I do have a momento from that evening, and I hope Stephen will take a drink from it with the same vigour he did on that night. (Present Breast mug filled with whisky and coke)

The second incident from that time happened after a night out in St Ives. Now I've been with Stephen few times when he's been pulled over by the police – 60 in a 30, 47 in a 30, cutting corners – and he has never had a ticket. This particular night he'd been playing with a piece of equipment from my old job, and wired this device up to a car cigarette lighter. The device was a blue strobe light used on alarm bell boxes. We drove up behind some unsuspecting car, and before I knew it, he'd plugged the strobe in, opened the window and stuck it on the roof. Needless to say the other car pulled over, and we sped off over
the horizon as quickly as possible!

The third incident was that Stephen met Liza at a birthday party held for a mutual friend. I didn't see a lot of Stephen that night, as he was so smitten. Three years later they moved in together, and they are still there, five years later, which is 4 years longer that I could live with him, so all credit to Liza!

I would like to say that I do have a lot of admiration for Liza. She met Stephen during his ‘attitude’ years, and has dealt with him
admirably. She's a beautiful lady, and an even more gorgeous bride. I hope Stephen realises how lucky he is in having a beautiful wife with such a great personality and sense of humour. I just wonder how he got her to marry him in the first place!

Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I'd like to pass on.

To Liza: If you love something, set it free, If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

To Stephen: The key to a long and happy marriage it to remember those three little words; You're right dear!

I'd like to wish you a very happy marriage, and I hope you have a great honeymoon, which I'm told is that period between ‘I do’ and ‘You'd better’.
Enjoy the honeymoon, but remember that there are three types of sex in a marriage; all over the house sex, bedroom sex, and hallway sex. All over the house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. It's when you'll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason. Bedroom sex develops later, and is when you have sex on a Saturday night in the bedroom (If you're lucky!). Hallway sex is in the later stages of a marriage. This is when you pass each other in the hallway and scream ‘screw you!’.

I think that one thing Stephen and Liza have learned over the last eight years is that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. Now, I will toast the happy couple, because in all seriousness, I think they were made for each other: May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.

I'd also like to thank Mo and Paula on behalf of everyone for inviting us to the Wedding, and laying on such wonderful food through the caterers. So, if I could raise a toast of thanks to Mo and Paula.

Before I move on to cards and messages, I'd also like everyone to be upstanding for a toast to all those people who couldn't be here today to celebrate Stephen and Liza's wedding; To Absent Friends.

I would normally, at this point, open any cards but I haven't been able to yet! But I do have a couple of messages.
The first is from the lads at football: We've found Stephen to be useless in every position. Hope Liza has more luck. Congratulations.
The second is from Rob in California: Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there. Please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted. Love Rob.