Speech by Tom Biddick

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tom Biddick
Speech Date: sep2002
Good afternoon everyone

I would like to begin by saying at this point, and I have C and P as witnesses to this, that the other day S said that he didn't care what I said in my speech. So if any of the content is not to your liking then you only have to blame S.

Standing here in front of 150 people is actually quite daunting. Even more so when you've been asked to deliver a speech as the best man. Having never been to that many weddings before and having certainly never been a best man before I wasn't quite sure what to say. However, a wise old man once said to me that a best man's speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love……so thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon.

Seriously though, I thought that you would be expecting a few more words from me so I have been spending quite a bit of time over the last couple of weeks preparing a few things to say. I even left the stag night early so I could get on with it.
For those of you that don't know the story behind that if you buy me a drink later then I'd be more than happy to go into more detail. Actually thinking about it I still want to be here at 2 o'clock tonight so maybe forget the drink and if you ask nicely later I'll just tell you anyway.

Firstly I would like to take this opportunity, on behalf of the bridesmaid, and the two page boys, to thank the groom for the kind words thanks S said a few moments ago. I have to say that I agree totally with what he has said.

I was indeed truly flattered when asked by S to be his best man even if I was surprised at first. Despite me going away to uni last year S would always ring me regularly just for a yarn and to let me know what was happening back home. And when I did come home for weekends and holidays S was always the first to phone me up and say “Do you want to come in town for a drink”. I really do value his friendship so it is with honour that I stand here today to say a few words about him.

I have known S since I was about 13 or 14 through both W Young Farmers and C Rugby Club. Being a couple of years younger than S him and A B soon took me under their wing as their drinking partner converting me from a lager drinker into a bitter drinker and introducing me to cherry brandy. I blame them for all my alcohol dependency I have had ever since.

I have actually known B longer than I have S as I went to school with her at X. I remember even back in those days she was known to regularly wear short skirts. Those short skirts seem to have been very prevalent ever since. It was probably one of these short skirts that first attracted S to B at one of the now legendary H Young Farmers discos. Whatever made B go for a slurring, staggering, drunken S God only knows. It was not surprising then that at first she was very reluctant to commit to S and he had to ask her out three times before she said yes. Never as the old saying, “if at first you don't succeed then try, try, try again” been more true. This persiatance paid off and it soon became clear that S had found someone very special.

May I just say at this point how radiant B is looking today and I'm sure that everyone here agrees. She is certainly deserving of a good husband. All that I can say is that S has done well to marry her before she finds one.

Now there are many duties which I have as best man. There were four in particular which were vitally important. I had differing degrees of success in carrying them out.

My first job was to arrange the stag night and ensure that the groom got home safely. This however didn't go quite to plan. I would love to tell everyone here what happened that night but unfortunately I have absolutely no recognition of it at all. For those of you who weren't there, the only thing I can remember is that S was dressed in my sister's bra and skimpy top and also wore a mini skirt and donned a long blonde wig. If anyone wants to see photos of this I believe they are on the internet – at www.ladyboys.com !!

I also had to make sure that he got a good nights sleep before the big day. I'm pleased to report that A said he slept like a baby last night – he wet the bed twice and woke up every two hours crying for his mum.

Thirdly help him get dressed on the big day. Now if he needs help after 21 years then I don't think I can help him on that one.

Finally, I had to get him to the church sober, on time and looking good – 2 out of 3 aint bad I suppose.

It is at this point normally when it is traditional for me to tell a few embarrassing stories about what S has got up to in the past. Let me assure you there is plenty to talk about but I really don't think that a wedding reception is the place to do it especially with S's new wife present.

I would love to tell you about S's antics at his brother M's stag night a couple of years ago where he certainly made the evening run smoothly. I swear any by-stander would have thought it was his stag night with what he was up to. But I won't say any more.

I would love to tell stories about our lads weekend away in Dublin but this involved S and a lap dancing club so I thought it was best not to say any more.

I would love to talk about what S got up to in Canada last year but for this I had to rely on D's account of everything. From what he was telling me I also thought it would be best not to say any more.

I soon realised that there was very little suitable material for this speech so the other day when I was down at C Rugby Club I went up to one of S's old coaches, J M, and asked him if there was anything he could tell me about S.

He said he started coaching S when he was about 14 and as he was quite a small player he began playing at scrum half. Then as he got a bit bigger when he reached the colts they played him at centre.
“Right” I said. “Anything else?”
“Well” J continued “as he moved up to the seconds and first team he played a few matches on the wing and at fly-half, and he was even known to make the odd appearance at full back”
“So what are you saying J” I said “that S is a good utility player and an asset to the club”
“Well not really” J said “Its more to do with the fact that he is useless in every position”
All that I can say is that I hope B has more luck tonight.

I would like to finish by offering S a few pieces of advice.

Remember that MARRIAGE is not just one word … it is a sentence……you get less for murder!

When at your new home at T don't make comments like “One good thing about having a small kitchen is that at least the sink is close to the cooker” because if B has a carving knife with her at the time I would hate to think what the consequences would be.

And finally, always remember to tell her those 3 little words…..… "You're right dear".

I'm sure that if you remember those words then you won't go wrong.

S and B, you have a lovely new home at T, 2 very supportive families and many friends who will always stand by you but above all else you have each other and it is with each other that you are at your happiest. May you have a long and happy life together.

Ladies and gentleman, please be up standing and raise your glasses to the bride and groom.

To S and B