Speech by Tom Garner

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tom Garner
Speech Date: Apr2004
Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please!
For those of you who don't know me, My name is Tom and I am Jonathon's Best Man, but also Cicely's older brother, so I suppose in a way I should tread carefully.

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, Caroline, Georgina and Sammi, I'd like to thank Jonathon for his kind words. I have to agree they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today, as have the Ushers, Thomas, Charlie and James – thanks lads.
And I'm sure you will all agree that Cicely, my little sister, is looking absolutely stunning . As for Jonathon, well, I can tell you that I have not seen him looking this smart since his last court appearance.

I obviously wanted today to go as well as possible from my perspective, so I decided to look into the key elements of a wedding.
The book I found gave three main aspects;
Firstly the aisle, the longest walk you ever take.
Secondly the alter, where 2 become 1
Thirdly – the Hymn, the celebration of marriage.
I think Cicely must have read the same book , because as she took her place next to Jon today I am sure I could hear her whispering “ AISLE ALTER HIM, AISLE ALTER HIM”

Although I am truly honored to be Jon's Best Man I must admit that despite appearances, I am nervous – perhaps even as nervous as our virgin bride. It must be said that this is not the first time this afternoon that I have got up from a warm seat with some white paper in my hands!

Apparently Jonathon chose me as his best man because I was someone he could trust. Before I betray that trust, I'd like to tell you about the
structure of my speech. The first half of the speech will take the form of
a virulent character assassination. But I thought it only fair to add a
sense of balance to the speech, so I can tell you the second half will
take the form of a virulent character assassination as well. I personally don't think you can get much more balanced than that!

Jonathon James Booth, was born on 17th November 1978. I did some research and found that Jon shares the same birth-date with a couple of very famous individuals who, as a pair, succinctly summarise the two very different sides of Jon's persona. The first, representing the caring, thoughtful, and sensitive side of Jon is none other than Martin Luther King. The second, is Edward Teller, the father of the "Hydrogen Bomb".

I thought it would be fun to use the letters of Jon's name to add some structure to the speech. I think have already been proved wrong in the assertion that it would be fun, but at least this does give me some direction?
Unlike some of his other close friends who can't even spell properly, I figured the J in JON is for generous. Jon is always first to buy the drinks whenever we go out, but that is because he seems to truly understand better than anyone else the value of ‘happy hour’.

The next letter, O, caused me some difficulties when it came to describing Jon. The short list included the words obnoxious, obstructive, obsessive, obese and even over-the-top……..but in the end I chose Outrageous. Anybody who knows Jon, will know that he doesn't do things by half. Whether its tall stories about how many pigeons he has shot in a day, or how many pints he can drink, how many cows he has ran into, or how many days he has been wearing his leopard skin thong for……you can pretty much guarantee that Jon has done everything, bigger and better than most. However having been to many of Jon and Cicely's (now legendary) parties, I must admit that when it comes to being quite simply outrageous, he really does put most to shame. There are numerous examples, but the one that sticks in the mind most, was Jon's 23rd birthday party at Car Colston. At the time Jon had perhaps what could be called an ‘unhealthy’ interest in pyrotechnics, in fact it seemed that Jon was spending a majority of his wages on fireworks By the time the party arrived Jon had a firework arsenal that was of concern to all of the world's major superpowers, in fact George Bush and Tony Blair were drawing up a UN resolution to prevent it falling into the wrong hands. To make matters even more interesting, somebody had decided that the party was to be fancy dress and this gave jon the chance to fulfill his wildest dreams – he could become the man he had always wanted to be…………none other than Buzz Lightyear. It must be said that the party was a roaring success, and although my own memory of it is somewhat blurred……..the image of Buzz Lightyear, Hannibal Lecter and Bananaman lighting several tons of fireworks using only the end of a cigarette, in several cases while still in the mouth, is something that will live with me forever. The next day, Mr Beby, the local farmer was elected by the residence of the surrounding villages to compliment Jon on his display. Although the neighbouring wildlife probably don't share the same sentiments – as most are now deaf or partially sighted.

Finally, the letter N. Again I had a choice to make as there is a multitude of N's that describe could Jon….Naked, negligent, naughty, noisy, even perhaps Needs to see a good dentist…….however in the end I plumped for Near death! From speaking to Jon's family there seems to be numerous examples of Jon dicing with the grim reaper. This started from an early age, Jon's sister reliably informs me that Jon once had to be taken to casualty to have a piece of lego removed from his nose. By all accounts it was common place to see Jon skipping around the miner's welfare, carrying a red vanity case filled with lego……quite how the lego made the transition from the vanity case to Jon's nasal passage will no doubt never be fully explained. Another potentially near death experience took place at Jon's parents, a few weeks before Christmas. Jon had decided to give himself the afternoon off school, along with some other friends. Being the Jamie Oliver that he is, Jon decided he would make chip butties for all concerned, at the time Jon would probably have called himself a pretty good cook……however I'm sure the fire brigade would disagree. Chip pan fires are dangerous things, and the damage they cause can be substantial, however that damage is often worsened by people throwing water all over them………which in this case is exactly what Jon did. To cut a long story short the fire brigade managed to control the inferno that had engulfed the kitchen, and Jon survived to tell the tale……..although the kitchen sadly did not! I'm sure that if Jon had not been sat on the windowsill upstairs smoking a cigarette, without a care in the world, the fire may not have taken such a hold.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you J-O-N; JON

Seriously though, Jon really is a very special person. He is trusted and
respected by his friends and family as much as anyone I know. He is one of
the most generous and gregarious people I've had the fortune to meet, and
his company is certainly never dull. And to quote one of Jon's
good friends, who said “just thinking about Jon makes me laugh!” Personally I can't think of a higher compliment than that. I think I can speak for everyone here today when I say I really am glad that Jon has found, in Cicely, someone beautiful, loving, caring and quite simply crazy enough to spend the rest of her life with the enigma that is Jon Booth!

To conclude then, I'd like to thank you all for your attention, albeit to say that if you if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much I have enjoyed writing it, then all I can do is apologise most sincerely.

So, Jon and Cicely I wish you every luck in your marriage……..’may your love be modern enough to survive the times and yet old fashioned enough to last forever’.

And so, Ladies and gentleman, all that is left for me now to do is ask you all to be upstanding and join me in a raising a glass to the happy couple.

To Jon and Cicely, the bride and groom.