Speech by Tom Howard

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tom Howard
Speech Date: 29/03/2012 19:36:19

Ladies & Gentlemen, my name is Tom and I've been best buddies with Ben ever since we met at the tender age of 11.

It's my honour today as right hand man to tell you a little bit more about the groom, and I've called this speech, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Eckersley”.

No speech about Ben's youth could pass without mention of the famous glasses. These were stuff of legend. Absolute giants. Now, Ben, being the self assured young man that he was, decided that having lenses the size of a Volvo windscreen was something to celebrate, and at regular intervals he would carefully remove the glass and spray paint the frames. A bit like an episode of “Pimp My Ride” in SpecSavers.

We were treated to all sorts of colours, designs & patterns over the years, although my favourite were the Christmas Specials – two tone speckled red and white.

Not surprisingly, Ben has hidden all photographic evidence, so imagine if you will……“an exciting festive fusion of Deidre Barlow and Timmy Mallet”.

Sadly for Ben, it soon became clear that to impress the young ladies of Sale it was going to take more than lashings of Joop aftershave and customised spectacles.

So drastic action was required. He employed the services of an image consultant

(alright, a ladies hairdresser in Sale…).

The image consultant was at the top of their game. They identified the missing link that would transform Ben into a stylish trendsetter, revered and envied by his peers in equal measure.

Ladies and Gentlemen, cometh the hour, cometh the man, cometh the perm…

Yes, he got a perm, and his transformation into Ken Barlow's spouse was complete.

But Ben was a boy of many curious contradictions.

Whilst emulating leading female soap stars one minute, he was also seemingly fearless when it came to getting into trouble or finding fights.

One of his earliest duels was with a French exchange student, and where better to have a cross channel ruck, than right in middle of chemistry class – but this was no cheese nibbling surrender monkey – and the “Battle of the Bunsen Burner” ended in a resounding victory to the French, as Ben “slipped” and got a steel toe-capped, European size 10, Doc Martin boot in the face.

Well, with Bens boyish good looks ruined by a rather nasty black eye, it meant yet another trip to Deputy Headmaster, Mr. Loveland's office.

Over the years, Ben spent that long in Loveland's office that at times I wondered if the two of them were having an illicit affair.

So it is with great relief I stand here today and look over to the top table to see Katie looking radiant in a wedding dress, and not Mr Loveland.

I did think though, if Ben is going to continue with this rather reckless, irresponsible, attitude to his own personal safety, what he needs is a friend who can handle themselves, a kick boxer, preferably a black belt.

Now Tim and Carrie, at his point you're probably thinking your new son-in-law was just a street-fighting layabout in his younger days.

And you'd be right.

Fortunately though, he developed a passion for Lacrosse where he could cultivate some more honourable traits such as sportsmanship, teamwork, & fitness.

The fact he could have an occasional on-pitch fight and have a few pints after was merely a perk.

Well, the other teams can breathe a sigh of relief now, as the much-feared “Chopper” Eckersley has finally retired, although I hear a sudden loss of revenue at the bar has unfortunately pushed the club to the brink of bankruptcy.

And so to his 30’s, and Ben started the decade with an early mid-life crisis, embarking on a whirlwind of convertible sports cars and jet boats.

One weekend we went to Pwllheli, and I thought I was in an episode of Miami Vice.

To add to the excitement, numerous European exchange students borrowed Ben's car, and were subsequently flashed for speeding.

Police forces across the country were rightly furious that the crimes looked to go unpunished, however they commended Ben on both his generosity in lending the vehicle, and his willingness to provide the names of all the elusive perpetrators involved.

Now, I'm not saying Ben has a history of giving false details to officials, but has anyone checked the name he's signed on the wedding certificate?

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Time for some mail that arrived at the Wizard this morning:

This card is from Brooklands Lacrosse Club:

Dear Ben & Katie, many happy returns on your joyous wedding day.

(Message here for me to read out) Please put the record straight that lacrosse is not just a sport played by posh public school girls.

From your team mates Tabitha, Annabel & Francesca.

Now that he's married it's probably for the best he's not sharing a shower with that lot any more.

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For the attention of Alfonso Salvador Lopez…

…A speeding fine!? How odd?

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Dearest Ben,

We could have had it all.

Rolling in the deep, rolling in my office.

Yours forever,

Morris Loveland

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Well I'm glad to say Ben has finally left all that irresponsible behaviour behind him. Today, he spends his days playing real life Monopoly with a street atlas of Trafford, and he's fast becoming known as the Donald Trump of Hale, and not just for his dodgy hairstyles.

His shrewd business mind can always spot a moneymaking venture, although I hear Katie did have to put her foot down about his plan to get the wedding sponsored by Travis Perkins.

But it's a sign of the times that even affluent Cheshire property tycoons have to take second jobs, and recently Ben was moonlighting as Lancashire County Cricket clubs official mascot, Lanky the Giraffe.

The job entailed pulling some rather strange dance moves in public, so I'm glad to say he sailed through the selection process, aided by numerous glowing references.

He had some big hooves to fill, but he was a natural, and the crowd didn't realise there was a new man inside the giraffe suit.

Although some of the more astute children did question why Lanky suddenly stank of chicken tikka buana every Saturday morning.

Having such a long neck did have its benefits though, as it meant angry OAP's found it almost impossible to punch him in the face.

I'm afraid it was a short-lived position, as Ben found the stress of working a 2.5 hour day far too gruelling.

On the plus side, if the property market gets any worse, it's good to know there's always a career waiting as an extra in the stage production of The Lion King.

Well, in 2009 Lanky had a little giraffe of his very own and since then, I'm glad to say he's become a little more frugal. The expensive tastes are mostly gone, and today Ben likes nothing better than propping up the bar in The Railway with a pint of Unicorn.

It's been a wonderful day today, and it's fantastic to see my best mate finally settled with a beautiful family.

Ben, as well as being superb fun over the years, you're a man of principles and a man of your word, and that's what has made you such a great pal…

…Well, that and the jet boats.

You've already taken to being a father so well and that is plain to see when you are with Harriett. I know you will make this next chapter of your life a success too.

The one thing I can say to you, is to love one another and you will be happy.  It is both as simple and as difficult as that.

I'm sure I speak for everyone here today when I wish the three of you all the happiness and love for your future together.

L&G, if you will join me in a toast to Mr & Mrs Eckersley.