Speech by Tom Rhys

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tom Rhys
Speech Date: 21/06/2013 22:38:41

Before I start I just want to check you can all hear me…Can you hear me by the bar?  I'd like a double Jack Daniels and coke for when the booing starts.

So, ladies and gents, good afternoon.  Firstly, I'd like to say I'm a bit nervous about making this speech.  I think this is the fifth time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

For those of you that don't know me, my name's Tom and I hope you will come over and say hello at the bar later.  I know Matt from school and I met Lucy when they first moved in together in their flat in Camberley.  I'm a teacher by trade.   I've brought some props and it would be great if unlike the kids, you could go along with my gentle coercion.  When you see the signs, please follow suit:

Laugh.

Sigh affectionately.

Laugh hard and point at Matt.

Buy me a drink.

Before we get going, I have got a little something that will help Will maintain respect and admiration and affection for his Father.  Matt, could you give these to him please?

Show laugh sign and pass earmuffs

Thanks for your speech Matt.  When Matt asked me to do the best man's speech, I was honoured.  And it's a pleasure, for me anyway, if not for you.  I think one of the main reasons was to make himself look a bit taller and more muscular in some of the photos. I first chatted properly to Matt on a bus that took us between the upper school and lower school.  He made a cracking first impression.  I got off the bus and remarked to a mate.  You know that Matt XXX, he's actually an alright bloke.  And he is – I didn't have to pay to get in today and he's paid for the meal without using Pizza Express vouchers.

I would like to thank the maid of honour, Rosie – you look fantastic and you've done a great job today. 

Thanks and well done to Roy today for giving away the bride.

I'd like to thank Roy, Janet, Simon and Louise for making today possible, financially and biologically. 

And thank you to the other but significantly less important Best men, Tom, Stacey, Ben, Ollie, Nick and Danny….for at least turning up sober.  Good work lads!

Finally, I'd also like to thank the…for a lovely service.  Matt did say that the vicar was against sex before marriage.   But Lucy reassured the reverend that it didn't last long so it wasn't a problem.

Could we have a big clap please to show our thanks?

I'm sure you'll agree with me today, in how stunning Lucy looks.  Matt, you're a very lucky man.  During the service, I couldn't help thinking it's funny how history repeats itself.  About 26 years ago, Lucy was probably going to bed with a dummy and it's happening all over again tonight.

I had a little look on the internet for the meanings of Matt and Lucy's names.  I feel there could be some debate here.  Firstly, I looked up Lucy, which comes from Latin, meaning light.  And just to get slushy for a moment, I think that's very apt, as you are the light of Matt's life.  I then looked up Matthew – and it means, hang on, do we have a sick bucket in the room…God's gift.  Honestly, who goes to all the effort of rigging an internet search days before his wedding! 

So, the 27thth of July 2012.  Matt and Lucy's big day.  Some interesting facts for you…On this day in 1910, Mother Teresa was born.  In 1955, The Guinness Book of records was published for the first time. On 27th August 1964, Mary Poppins was released in cinemas and in 1965; the Beatles spent an evening with Elvis Presley.  

As many of you will know, Matt's a keen golfer.  Matt's love of golf is one that I share, although some would doubt that, having seen me play.  Over the last few years we've had a few games.  And there are some possible insights into marriage here. Lucy says Matt is often found with a wood in his hand, his approach play needs a little work and he enjoys sliding a ball over a nice tidy verge.  If given the opportunity he likes to approach the hole from the back.  He can also get a bit frustrated when he doesn't finish off in less than 5 strokes!

Matt has never been a desperately image conscious.  I remember him driving around in a lime green smart car and he has a history of horrendous footwear but I think you'll agree how glamorous he looks today in his suit from C & A.

Ok, so you've had a little insight into Matt.  If you want to know anything else, Roy, Janet, Lucy, I'll be at the bar and it's 25 quid an hour.

I think I should mention the stag do.  Let's just say it was a very fun and rather expensive weekend.  Between us we lost two phones, a camera, enough money to fund a third world country and dignity aplenty.  There was also a minor incident on the way back.  Shortly after I had left, Matt was struck with a pain in his chest.  Panic took over as Matt realised he might well be having a heart attack.  Naturally, he called an ambulance.  In the back of the van he was examined and to the amusement of the paramedic, Matt had too much acid caused by excessive drinking.  No life support was needed, just an alka seltzer.

Laugh and point at Matt sign.

Now there are a lot of happy smiling faces around today, or there were before I started talking, but none as happy as the two people to my left. They say marriages are made in heaven – well, this one was made in Leeds.  Now I have it on good authority that Lucy liked the look of this tall blue eyed stranger when they first met.  You heard the office theme tune during the ceremony.  Now this has a special significance, as Matt and Lucy used the excuse they were watching the office whenever they wanted a little privacy.

As you perhaps know, Matt took Lucy back to their dorm in Leeds to propose.  Matt convinced Lucy the university were having an open day but the engagement almost never got started as Lucy was pretty reluctant to get out of the car.

Matt can be a romantic gent.  He designed Lucy's ring himself – perhaps using the advice of his new friends from Blackpool.  On the flip side, when Lucy was in labour, Matt arranged with Roy and Janet to sneak off for a curry.  So as poor Lucy was fretting away, Matt was sipping on an ice cold cobra and tucking into a chicken biryani.  I have always admired Matt's thriftiness as he even agreed with the waiter a free takeaway if the vital moment should start to occur!

Now, traditionally I have to offer Matt some advice.  So, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell-tale signs in your relationship…..like if you see that the gasman is wearing your socks… or the postman starts calling round on a Sunday morning.

I'd like to say a few kind words about Matt.  Matt, we've had some great times together over the last few years and we'll have a lot more.  You've been a great friend to me, better than the other lads.  He's a top bloke ladies and gents, generous, good fun to be around and a good listener.  If ever I've needed anything, he's always been there to help out.  It's an honour to be doing this speech today.

I know you think the world of Lucy and I wish you both every happiness for the future.

Sigh affectionately sign.

Again on a serious note,

We all hope you have a wonderful time on your honeymoon. In North Wales, at least that's where I think Matt said they were going, he just said he was going to Bangor for 2 weeks.

Matt and Lucy look after yourselves and most importantly, look after each other.  Ladies and gents, could I ask you to stand with me and raise your glasses in a toast to Matt and Lucy, the new Mr. and Mrs XXX. 

To Matt and Lucy!

Right, it's good night from me.  Thank you.

Buy me a drink sign