Speech by Tony Doolin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tony Doolin
Speech Date: jan 2003

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboys, I'd like to thank Chris for his kind words.

I think you'll all agree when I say that they have done a fantastic job today and they all look absolutely beautiful …..…

I'd also like to thank everyone for coming here today to celebrate the wedding of Chris and Debby. We've people here who have travelled from some very far off places so, again, thank you all.

It's part of my job to compliment the beautiful bride and say something profound about Chris. The first part is easy. Debby you look fantastic and Chris is a very lucky man.

Well it is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it – Although I do prefer the analogy, that it's a bit like inheriting a harem. .… You know exactly what to do, but where do you start.

But, even so, I still agreed to be Chris's best man and I'm hope you'll agree that my first duty – that of getting him to the church, sober, on time and eventually married was a complete success.

For an occasion such as this I was and am terrified about making a speech….that was until I found out about the sort of things that I was supposed to say as the best man..… I learnt that, up there with the important duties of remembering the wedding ring………and destroying the negatives of the stag night…………..was a duty to spend five minutes at the reception demolishing Chris's character…

Well in the 20 years I've known Chris … he has been kind enough to give me endless ammunition for just such an occasion….but…..out of respect for the happy couple on this…their big day I have decided NOT to tell…..…

So I'm NOT going to tell you about his happy Sunday mornings….repairing his motor bike in the kitchen.

Nor am I going to tell you about Chris's unique ability to remove every trace of a roast chicken …..From a kitchen, table…using only a domestic house cat………

However I have asked friends for their anecdotes and am pleased to say that I have had an enormous response……………Unfortunately…..due to nature of these anecdotes I am unable to read any of them out here..…

Unfortunately, or fortunately depends on what way you look at it, I didn't know Chris at school so he has kindly scribbled a note regarding his version of events regarding his education.

"Chris was an exceptionally gifted student at school and he excelled in everything he did be it sports, academics or the arts….… He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster……… and successfully attended University where I'm reliably informed he attained a first class honours degree in rocket science."

However Ive since obtained a copy of Chris school report. – so imagine my surprise when I read his middle school headmaster's comments.

General

‘Chris is an ideal pupil, who should excel in most subjects’……sorry that should read
‘Chris is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects’

Geography – Thinks Ellesmere Port is a table wine

Drama – He thought Alfred Hitchcock was a jockstrap

Biology – Only student I know who studied for a blood test

Now, I first met Chris about 20 years ago when I worked with him down in Darkest Croydon..… From the very first, I was impressed not only with his ferociously uneven temperament in the mornings……but with his ability to delegate almost his entire job to other people. I can still remember looking up from a mound of paperwork and marvelling at Chris's ability to read the Motor cycle news, eat toast, drink coffee, smoke, moan……and still look like he was working.…

Now – Tradition dictates…that at this juncture…I should divulge some words of wisdom to aid the newly married couple in their future life together……but I feel it would be more appropriate just to offer Chris two useful pieces of advice:

A husband's last words should always be – OK….BUY it then.

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget….once

And here is something for Debby to consider…..…

It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership.
Anyone who believes this…..knows very little about women…..or fractions.

Men are like fine wine.…
They start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

Its important to get on with your mother in law – I didn't speak to mine for two years.
Not because I didn't like her, I just didn't want to interrupt

Ladies and Gentlemen…I shan't take much more of your time but before I move on to the cards, on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone again for coming and making this such a special day…

But from those unable to make it here today I do have a couple of messages I'd like to share…

Cards – (George)

Ive got three Telegraphs here which have just arrived………

To Chris and Debby.

Best wishes from Bill and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.

From the Wun Hung Low Hotel , Thailand.

Congratulations to you both on this day…..We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one.

Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive…as we are putting something special on for you…..running water..… and a roof…

To the groom,

Chris – I'll miss those nights getting to know each other around my pool. All the best, Michael Barrymore. "

Chris has been a great friend to me over the years….and it's great honour to be his best man today.

I'm sure you're both going to be happy together and I wish you both all the best for the future.

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the happy couple….…

To Chris and Debby