Speech by Tony Howarth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tony Howarth
Speech Date: apr 2003
Introduction:

I thought that following a speech by John would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a word he said.
So, on behalf of the Bridesmaid, and the Pageboys I would like to thank John for …erm…whatever he just said.

Points of order:

Please be considerate during this speech and laugh out loud at the right points and snigger where appropriate, because John has already told me that if I do well today he definitely use me at the next.
The owner of the boat has asked me to ask you not to stand on the tables or chairs during the standing ovation at the end of my speech.
We're on a boat. There will be a safety demonstration. I advise you to pay attention. Make a mental note of the exits and don't fight for a lifejacket. Remember it's not water that kills its ignorance.
Sliding across the dance floor on your knees. Don't do it. It's a young man's game. Leave it to the kids. Reece and Elliot, it's all yours. Don't let any grown ups join in.
This one is for the men. A piece of advice for next time. It's a wedding. Wear a suit. I know there are a few people in from Huyton, Old Swan and Walton and all this is quite new. But you lot from the Wirral, well you should be ashamed. Let's leave it at that.
A number of the lads were concerned last night and they thought that John looked very nervous about the today's ceremony. I'm happy to report that John slept like a baby last night – he wet himself twice and woke up every hour crying for his mum. But seriously, it's not been easy for John he has had a health scare last week. He had to spend three days in the Royal in the premature ejaculation unit….… apparently it was touch and go at one stage.
Sexual innuendo and inappropriate language – Now, we've all been to church, some of us without saying confession, and it makes you feel different, kind of spiritual, so its only right that I don't resort to profanity and off colour remarks – so if you hear anything that rubs you up the wrong way, just open your mouth or give me the nod, and I'll try and whip it out straight away.
Ex girlfriends – I could make a joke and say that because of last year's foot and mouth, say that they're all dead or some are still in quarantine. I could also say that maybe a few of his ex girlfriends should have sent Amanda sympathy cards. But, that wouldn't be funny. Talking about ex girlfriends at a wedding makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. You can almost feel the knots in people's stomachs and I wouldn't want to be the cause of that. So if you've come here today expecting to hear about funny stories about John's ex girlfriends from me, the times, the places, the fun. You'd be wrong. So we'll say no more about it – but who would have thought that John's lucky number would have been 72!

A few a words about John:

When John asked me to be best man I was lost for words. He rang at 3.30 on a Saturday morning. He seemed out of breath. I thought that he had been running or he had lost his inhaler. He said he had something to ask me and needed to ask straight away. As I said I was lost for words. The way he asked me tells you a lot about John. Self centred, inconsiderate and pushy. Who else would dream of calling you at 3.30 in the morning, knowing they had a new baby in the house? But the following morning, after I'd calmed down I realised what an honour it was, and gladly accepted.

So John Williams, Johnny Lights. I've known John since he was this big. (He still is!). What I mean is that in one week's time, on the 4th September I will have known John for 24 years and for both of us to be stood in Ibiza on his wedding day would have come as a huge surprise back then.
I've known John for 24 years and Amanda about 6 years. So as you can imagine in my time I've seen some outrageous outfits, dodgy haircuts, and interesting facial hair
And I could easily say the same about John.

Most of us here know John as John Williams, although Johnny Lights is still very popular throughout club land, but perhaps the most amusing John was the one that Amanda thought he was. In the mid 90s’, for a period of time, Amanda convinced herself that she had her eye on Jon De Silva. And according to Maureen she'd practice her signature as Amanda De Silva on the back of the Echo nearly every night. I hope Williams does not come as a disappointment.

But looking around today it obvious that both John and Amanda are very popular people, because considering they invited us to an island that rife with casual sex, drug abuse and cheap drink it's a surprise that most people have attended. Although it's not a surprise in certain cases. But, we all have individual reasons why we are here today and you all know your own. I am here today because John is my friend. Friends are the DNA of society. They are the basic building blocks of life. If you have a coupe of good ones, treasure them like gold. Because there's nothing better.

So that's John Williams, Jon De Silva, Johnny Lights, our mate, my friend

Cards and Gifts:

Presents – those of you who have said it's back in the room or I'll give it to you when you get home. That's OK. No problem. Make sure that you do.
But to those who have remembered gifts, on behalf of Amanda and John I say thank you.
Shower radio – do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Two ceramic teddy bears on a rocking horse – that's from me and the wife!

Cards/Telegrams

John, your sense of fashion has been an inspiration to me during my pop career all the best H from Steps

Dearest John.
I realise I am a loser in love, but I will never forget those wonderful evenings we spent together by the pool.
Love forever Michael Barrymore.

John, I've see you're more in shape than you ever been. Fixing me as your role model throughout your punishing training schedule has definitely paid off. Good luck for the future – Sammy Lee

Words of advice:

The marriage ceremony, asks that couples take each other for better or for worse. John, in finding Amanda you really couldn't have done any better. Amanda…… it could be worse.
During my research into weddings in general I looked into what are known as ‘The 3 key elements of the Wedding ceremony’ which are summarised as follows:
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
The Hymn – the song we all sing to celebrate the marriage.
For Amanda I also have the following advice – men are like a fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have to have dinner with!
On the other hand, John, women are also like a fine wine – they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then they turn full-bodied until they go vinegary and they give you a headache!
John, never be afraid that Amanda will leave you – she's spent all this time training you already, she's not going to throw that away lightly!
A final thought from Eddie. He said last night that doesn't time fly. He said its only seems only yesterday that Amanda was a toddler running around with a dummy… so No change there then!!

Toast:

Up to know we have a few suggestions for the first dance and we'd be interested in any ideas that you may have. Up to now we have:

Three times a lady Commodores Me
Wedding Bells Godley and Crème Darren
Another one bites the dust Queen Dave Roche
Where love lives Alison Limerick Dave Graham
Injected with a poison Praga Khan Charlie Pope

When John and Amanda got together, we all knew they had something special, and that this day was only a matter of time in coming. So to both of you, from me, you make a wonderful couple, and I know you're going to be very happy together. Amanda, if there was ever going to be one person to bring John in to line, I'm glad it was you. We've had some great times as single lads, but I don't think John has ever been happier than when he's been with you. John, again, well done, you have a wonderful wife, which is no more than you deserve. So, I'd now like you to your glasses in a toast to the Bride and Groom:

So to the new Mr and Mrs Williams – you couldn't ask for a nicer couple, well you could ask, but you probably wouldn't get! Amanda and John.

All I ask now is that you enjoy yourself, enjoy each others company and enjoy the sunset. Thanks for listening.