Speech by Tony Lannon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tony Lannon
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Good afternoon everyone, I'm sure you'll all admit this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding reception, yet every silver lining has a cloud, and that is that you have to listen to me unfortunately.

I'd just like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing their wedding day, particularly those who have travelled long distances like london , the midlands & lancashire.

Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home, becasuse things would have been a damn site easier for me – you know being a best man is a bit like being asked to sleep with the queen mother – it's a great honour but nobody actually wants to do it. – (I know, I know but the old ones are always the best)

Even so, I agreed to be Mark's best man and it's a responsibilty that I didn't take lightly, so I made a checklist :- <take out checklist >

1) Bring the chequebook or credit card for payments the groom may have forgotten (or in Mark's case be too tight to pay for)
<hold checkbook & cc aloft so people can see>

2) Help the groom dress – I choose the attire, if Mark got his way, we would have both been dressed like this <hold up 70’s gear> flares, tank top and wide colllared shirt.… Say to audience look at the size of those flares, I bet there's a few of you out there who actually got married in thes

3) See that any angry ex- girlfriends are kept at bay – I found out however that most of them were far from angry – they were all out partying last nite at Zanzibar's.

4) Ensure that the groom :-
a) uses the toilet before entering the ceremony
b) make sure his shoes are tied
c) make sure his face is washed and hair is combed – or in Mark's case gelled to perfection.
d) Make sure that his teeth are cleaned and breath doesn't honk of garlic.
e) Make sure that his trouser fly is up – stand up Mark and lets see. – <after inspection say “goodman” >

And finally, make a speech at the reception, so I'm not being too bad so far.

Firstly on behalf of Julie the Bridesmaid, I'd like to thank Mark for his kind words. I have to agree that she looks absolutely wonderful, and has done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Lynn to the Ceremony on time, cos we all know what Lynn's time-keeping is like.

I would like to congratulate Mark on his impeccable taste in choosing such a beautiful wife, and well done Lynn, on saying “I Do” to my mate Mark.

Walking down the Aisle earlier today, I'm sure we all agree that the Bride looks abolutely stunning and Mark looked absolutely stunned.

But no, it's a beautiful dress. Though when Lynn said she'd be in something long and flowing, Mark thought she meant a River

I have to admit to being a bit nervous about today's speech, especially as it's a family occasion. So bearing that in mind, I've removed all the controversial and offensive material from my speech..…

(< go to sit down > ) ladies and gentlemen thank you very much & goodnight……

Only jokin…where were we, ….but the human brain, it's a wonderful thing isn't it – it never stops working fom the moment you're born ……until the day you have to write a Best mans speech. <pull funny worried looking face or put finger on mouth looking puzzled>

Anyway, I wanted to be able to offer Mark & Lynn some advice on marriage,however being a single bloke, theres not been much call in my life so far to talk about love <”ahhhhh ….”.milk the audience> but seeing these two together, so happy and in love, it makes me feel both delighted for them and also green with envy – so if there are any single girls out there , touched by my sensitivity , my telephone number is 07973 – XXXXXX – alternatively I'll be drowning my sorrows at the bar later.

But I do think about marriage, I think about it quite often…..it's a way of keeping my mind off sex.

Even just having a girlfriend seems to bring nothing but trouble. There was one occasion – I'd better be careful here – so I'm not going to mention any names, but anyway we'd been going out with with each other for about 5 months, which is pretty good for me and then the naggin’ started…..”I want to know your name….I want to know your name”

So I've got absolutely no idea, what it feels like to be happily married, but of course, nor do most husbands.

Anyway, I decide to do some research on marriage. And who better to look for advice than my own family who between them have had many succesful marriages..…
My uncle Dennis had three, cousin peter had a couple , Auntie Mary had two….…

I've been told that getting married is very much like going to restaurant with friends, – you order what you want, then you see what the other guy has and you wish you'd ordered that.

A mate of mine bought his wife a new car, she phoned him up on her mobile and said that “there was water in the carbureter” –so my mate asked her where the car was – she replied “in the lake”

But it was my uncle who used to tell me that you always know when you meet Misses Right. So I said “ Well, why did your marriage break down, like ?”……He said that he did marry miss right…he just didn't know that her first name was Always.

In fact, after his honeymoon, he said he didn't speak to her for seven months…then again he didn't like to interrupt.

But, that's my Uncle. In my view, for a healthy marriage Mark & Lynn , you need a healthy person.
Mark..I'm surprised how healthy and fit you are, despite the amount of parmos you seem to knock back. No I do think a healthy person equals a healthy marriage. Take my old Nana,I wish somebody would, – when she turned 60, she gave up smoking and drinking and started walking Five miles a day….shes 97 today and God knows where the Hell she is.

Getting back to advice, just last week (get newspaper out) I was reading the paper and I came across this advert and it says “complete set of Encyclopedias for sale, just got married, wife knows bloody everything”

< do cards now, cos you may need a break & drink of water >
don't forget to read out make believe cards from Anna Kournikova and Mel gibson , and also one from the cats and the rest of the animals.

So, what can I say about Mark, —
I have known Mark for about 6 years, when he started working at Orange, but we actually used to live round the corner from each other when we were nippers.

Mark and I used to share lifts into work together….he often used to ring me and say have you got a spare brick, so that I can reach the pedals in my car cos I've lost mine.

I remember the days when Mark had his old Sierra, complete with swimming pool on the passenger side floor, – and I had my astra, quite often we had to give each oter jump starts on a morning

Do you know Mark ,once thought of himself as a bit of a diy car mechanic – he once bought a starter motor, the wrong size I might add, which stayed in his desk at Orange, until he moved departments. Even then he didn't take it with him – god knows where it is now, but I can often hear new people comment when they open their desk drawer for the first time quoting “theres a bloody starter motor in here” – at which point Mark can be seen scuttling across the office towards the exit with a huge smirk on his face.

We all know that Mark is not a big drinker, he's not big in any aspects is he Lynn ? <look towards Lynn >

Do you know on the first night of his stag doo , he actually went to bed early, whilst the rest of us went out clubbing – til 3 in the morning, Mark slept for 12 hours.

Another drinking story which springs to mind, which I believe was either just before or just after he got together with Lynn, was when we all went on a Company bowling nite out, and Mark having had 2 or 3 shandies too many decide to spray bottle of cheap champagne all over everyone, bosses . organisers, you name it…the got sprayed….I don't believe he made it into work the next day, the words sick & bath spring to mind. But when he got back to work he had to e-mail everyone he had sprayed with a public apology.

There is also a story again involving Marks incapabilty to hold his drink which has been brought my attention, involving a hot electric ring, Stod's hand and Stod retaliating with a big heavy wooden chair – I don't know kids & beer eh !!

Whats this…..Mark has fetish for licking peoples ears when he is drunk, and even putting on aftershave at 3 in the morning before going to sleep..after a nite..…

Sorry lads…better not mention the sheep stories………

And now onto Lynn. Thare are six words that describe Lynn perfectly :- beautiful, charming, delightful, enchanting, pizza and wine.

Mark, you have pulled a blinder in marrying Lynn. You have found someone who is beautiful, charming, funny, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. Lynn, you've found, well you've found Mark.

And now for my final words of advise to both bride and groom. Lynn :- men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes, and it's your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand Mark, Women are also like a fine wine.They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full bodied until they go all sour and vinegary, and then they give you a headache.

On a more serious note, Mark has been a great freiend to me over the years and it has been a great honour to be your best man.

Mr & Mrs Brown, a nicer more perfectly suited couple you could not wish to meet, and I wish them all the happiness in their future together.

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the parents of the Bride and Groom, for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.

And would you all remain standing again, joining me in a toast to the happy couple .

Mr & Mrs Brown…………….…