Speech by Tony Perrin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tony Perrin
Speech Date: Sep2004
Introduction
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, my name's Antony and I've had the privilege of being Mark's best man. I hope you've all enjoyed the day so far, and I think you'll all agree – at the church today Cathryn looked absolutely stunning. Mark, well, he just looked stunned.

Thanks
First if I may I will do the traditional part of the best man speech and that is to thank Mark on behalf of the bridesmaid for his kind words, and I think you will all agree Karyn looks fantastic and has done a tremendous job of helping Cathryn this morning. I do think the tactics she used in getting Cathryn to the church were a bit over the top, especially dragging her down the road to the church kicking and screaming. And the use of handcuffs, in my opinion, was questionable.

Secondly I'd like to thank Mark on behalf of the ushers, Mike and James, and yes, you both look gorgeous too. Frankly I'm amazed they got here at all especially sober. Not only due to the close proximity of the Kings Arms to the church, but also because of the England match that's on today. Really Cathryn, you should have checked the football calendar before booking the wedding.

Research
Apparently Mark chose me as his best man because I was someone he could trust. Before I betray that trust, I'd like to tell you about the structure of my speech. The first half of the speech is taking the form of a virulent character assassination. But I thought it only fair to add a sense of balance to the speech, so I can tell you the second half will take the form of a virulent character assassination as well. Now you can't get much more balanced than that!

Now I didn't take the responsibility of being Mark's best man lightly – so I did a little research to make sure I knew what I was supposed to do on the big day.

1.Help the groom dress. I'm sorry but I thought he should be able to do that himself by now.
2.Ensure the groom uses the toilet before the service.
3.Make sure his shoes are tied, his flies done up, his hair combed, face washed and teeth brushed. Now it was at this point I thought maybe his Mum should've been best man.
4.Make sure that the groom gets a good night's sleep before the wedding day. Well I can reveal that last night Mark slept like a baby. He wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying for his mummy.

About Mark
Well I say character assassination but Mark actually hasn't got too many secrets. He‘s a pretty perfect guy / or so I thought… It certainly came as a surprise to me that he has pierced nipples…and likes to wear a cowboy hat in bed but hey it's 2004 and these things just aren't a big deal any more.

I have known Mark for some time now and I feel he has played a valuable part in my life certainly helping to develop my sense of humour so I would like to say now that if you feel this speech is rubbish it is in fact Mark's fault!

Mark was born on September 4th 1976. On that particular day in history, Abba topped the singles chart with Dancing Queen and I'm reliably informed that, in light of this, Mark has been practising his disco dancing and is keen to show us all this evening on the dance floor. I personally can't wait.

You may have noticed that it is in fact Mark's birthday today. You realise of course Mark that we've all taken advantage of this and got you joint birthday and wedding presents. Talking of wedding presents, does Cathryn know that you've asked us to get you a Playstation?

As I mentioned, I've known Mark for some time, Cathryn too for that matter. We all met at secondary school where we attended Pates Grammar in Cheltenham. Cathryn will remember, although I'm sure John and Sally don't, that when I was younger I also used to be their paperboy – delivering their Daily Telegraph at some ungodly hour of the morning.

Anyway – back to Mark. Mark and I both share an interest in snooker. In fact we soon became regulars down at Pockets, so much so that the guys that worked there began to recognise our voices over the phone when we rang to book a table. I know we don't play twice a week anymore Mark but I trust that Cathryn is going to let you out for a few frames from time to time.

From Pates we all went our separate ways and ventured off to University. Mark, being the clever bugger that he is, went off to Cambridge to do a Maths degree. Even though he came out with a first, he still managed to find the time to enjoy himself. In fact, I've heard stories from Mark's Uni friends about certain games of poker that took place where the stakes got a little out of hand. Well Mark, I've brought some cards with me so if you fancy your chances later then bring your pennies, and if you're feeling really brave you could always bring your honeymoon tickets for Mauritius.

I've never been to Mauritius. In fact, I've never been outside of Europe. Mark on the other hand is a bit of a jet setter. Having moved to England from America back in 1990, Mark has since been on trips to:

Australia in 1999 with Cathryn
East Africa with his dad in 2001 where he climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. If you ask him nicely he'll might even show you his certificate
He's been to various places around Europe
And also New Zealand and Australia again in 2002, where Mark proposed to Cathryn outside the Sydney Opera House

After graduation, Mark moved back to Cheltenham and began working at GCHQ. That reminds me, if you want a really quick conversation with Mark, just ask him what he does for a living. A number of his close friends were interviewed by GCHQ prior to Mark getting the job. I bet he's glad now that I wasn't one of them.

Marriage Tips
Not wanting to become a spy myself, I became a web developer and one of my many duties under this role is the arduous task of surfing the internet. Now, not too long ago, surfing said web, I stumbled across some useful tips about marriage and I would now like to share a few of them with Mark:

1.Never go to bed on an argument.… Always stay up and argue.
2.Always remember those three little words…"You're right dear".
3.I'm sure most of the married men here today will agree, the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.

Stag Weekend
No best mans speech would be complete without a mention of the stag night. Now, not content with just a single night of drunken debauchery, Mark insisted we stretch the occasion over an entire weekend. I of course had no objections – all the more chance for stitching him up – how could I pass up such an opportunity?

Now, as many of you will no doubt know, the law of the stag states that whatever happens on the stag, stays on the stag. Mark can feel safe in the knowledge that I'm not going to say a word. In fact, Mark's solicitor has insisted on it, at least until after the court case. You'll be glad to know though Mark that I've been contacted by the RSPCA and the donkey is going to make a full recovery.

Messages
Before I finish, I've just got a couple of messages here from some friends that couldn't make it here today:

The first one's, To Cathryn, to me you were more than a holiday romance, love Brad Pitt.

And now, To Mark, remember our great pool party, best wishes mate, and that's from Michael Barrymore.

Toast
Finally, it gives me great pleasure and immense relief to ask you all to stand and raise your glasses.

Mark and Cathryn, May your years ahead prosper with love, affection, health & happiness, which you both richly deserve…To the Bride and Groom.