Speech by Trevor Davenport

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Trevor Davenport
Speech Date: Apr2005
GOOD AFTERNOON LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.

I RECENTLY ASKED A GOOD FRIEND IF HE KNEW OF ANYTHING THAT HELP WOULD CALM MY NERVES WHILST MAKING THIS SPEECH, AND HE SUGGESTED ONE OF TWO THINGS, EITHER UP THE MEDICATION OR IMAGINE ALL THE GUESTS NAKED (FOR SOME REASON ITS SUPPOSED TO WORK). SO I HAVE JUST SPENT THE LAST FIVE MINUTES LOOKING AROUND IMAGINING ALL YOU LOVELY PEOPLE STARK NAKED!! AND I'M AFRAID THAT WITH A FEW NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT ITS HORRIBLE, NOT NICE AT ALL, AND SO, IF ITS OKAY WITH YOU ALL, I SHALL UP THE MEDICATION INSTEAD. (TAKE SOME PILLS).

IT'S REALLY GREAT TO SEE YOU ALL HERE TODAY, SHARING IN THIS MOST AUSPICIOUS OF OCCASIONS WITH JENNY AND DAVID, ON WHAT I'M SURE WILL BE A DAY THAT LIVES LONG IN THE MEMORY FOR ALL OF US.

(EXCEPT FOR THE RAIN MAN THAT IS, WHO WILL PROBABLY NEED REMINDING TOMORROW THAT HE IS NOW MARRIED). WON'T YOU DAVID?

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF, I AM DAVIDS BROTHER TREVOR, THE QUIET ONE, – AND IT'S A PROUD MOMENT FOR ME TO STAND BEFORE YOU ALL AS DAVIDS BEST MAN TODAY –
ALTHOUGH, HE HAS LED ME TO BELIEVE IT WAS A VERY SHORT LIST OF CANDIDATES, AND I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT HE CERTAINLY HASN'T PICKED ME FOR MY SPEECH MAKING SKILLS.

A GENTLEMAN CALLED GODFREY SMITH ONCE SAID ABOUT SPEECH MAKING THAT “NO MAN SHOULD PRESUME TO STAND UP AND SPEAK IN PUBLIC FOR LONGER THAN HE CAN LIE DOWN AND MAKE LOVE IN PRIVATE”.

I GAVE THIS SOME THOUGHT AND REALISED IT PRESENTED ME WITH A BIT OF A PROBLEM, BECAUSE IF OLD GODFREY HAS GOT HIS FACTS RIGHT, MY SPEECH HAS ALREADY OVER-RUN – WORSE STILL, BY ABOUT TWO MINUTES !!

INSTEAD, I'LL COMPARE MY SPEECH TO THE LENGTH OF A YOUNG LADIES SKIRT, IT WILL BE SHORT ENOUGH TO KEEP YOUR INTEREST BUT LONG ENOUGH TO COVER ALL THE ESSENTIAL BITS.

AS BEST MAN I HAVE A FEW SPECIFIC JOBS TODAY. THIS BEING ONE OF THEM AND AN EARLIER ONE TO MAKE SURE DAVID APPEARED ON TIME AND IN DECENT FORM, SOBER AND SMART – IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE THAT BOTH HIS FACE AND HIS HAIR WERE IN GOOD ORDER.

2.I THINK THAT THIS DUTY IS PARTICULARLY UNFAIR ON THE BEST MAN, AND HAVE, QUITE FRANKLY, JUST TRIED TO DO THE VERY BEST I COULD, GIVEN WHAT I HAD TO WORK WITH.

ANOTHER DUTY IS TO MAKE SURE THAT CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS ARE THANKED………..TO START WITH THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO ON THE FACE OF IT, HAVE A FAIRLY EASY DAY. THEY HAVE TO COPE WITH ALL THE DIFFICULTIES OF STANDING AROUND POUTING AND LOOKING PRETTY, IN FAIRNESS I KNOW THEY HAVE SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THEIR APPEARANCE AND OUTFITS, AND WITHOUT THEM THE DAY JUST WOULDN'T BE THE SAME, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN A BIG THANKYOU TO THE USHERS, CHARLIE AND DALE. WELL DONE LADS.

NOW ANOTHER OF MY DUTIES WHICH I AM DELIGHTED TO BE ABLE TO PERFORM IS TO THANK THE BRIDESMAIDS. I'M SURE EVERYBODY WILL AGREE, THAT THEY LOOK TRULY AMAZING. LADIES, YOUR DRESSES, YOUR HAIR YOU ALL LOOK FABULOUS AND I KNOW JENNY AND DAVID ARE SO PROUD OF YOU. SO TO DEBBIE, AMY AND FAY. A BIG THANKS TO YOU ALL, FOR BOTH YOUR BEAUTY AND YOUR SERVICE TODAY.

TALKING OF BRIDESMAIDS, I THINK IT'S QUITE REMARKABLE THAT THE BRIDESMAIDS FROM MY WEDDING, (I KNOW I DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH), SOME 27 YEARS AGO ARE HERE TODAY, AND THEY STILL LOOK FANTASTIC. THANK YOU LADIES FOR YOUR SERVICE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, PLEASE, STAND UP AND TAKE A BOW, JANET AND BARBARA.

AND NOW, I SHALL TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT THE GROOM, NOT EASY TO RELATE 40 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES BUT I SHALL DO MY BEST.

DAVID IS STILL A BIT OF A NAIVE LAD – ONLY LAST NIGHT IN THE BAR HE ASKED ME WHY THE BRIDE ALWAYS MARRIES IN WHITE. NOW I HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT EVERYBODY KNEW THAT DOMESTIC APPLIANCES ONLY COME IN WHITE.

ANYWAY – THERE I AM ON THE EVE OF MY 7TH BIRTHDAY, LYING IN BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, EXCITED, CAN'T SLEEP, AWARE OF A RIGHT OLD COMMOTION GOING ON IN THE HOUSE, LOTS OF NOISE.
NATURALLY I ASSUMED IT WAS MY PRESENT THAT WAS BEING WRAPPED, OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING A BIT SPECIAL.
BUT NO, DAVID BEING DAVID, AND ALWAYS WANTING TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION, HAD DECIDED NOW WAS THE TIME TO PUT IN AN APPEARANCE, AND IT WAS A REAL SHOCK TO FIND HIM IN MUMS BED THE NEXT MORNING. AND OF COURSE THAT MEANT EVEN AS BIRTHDAY BOY I HAD TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE ALL DAY. HE WAS SOON FORGIVEN, BUT I WAS A BIT PUT OUT AT THE TIME.

3.HARD TO BELIEVE TO LOOK AT HIM NOW, BUT I UNDERSTAND HE WAS SO UGLY WHEN HE WAS BORN THAT THE MIDWIFE SLAPPED MY MOTHER, AND I KNOW FOR A FACT MUM ONLY STARTED GETTING MORNING SICKNESS AFTER HE WAS BORN.

IN THOSE EARLY YEARS, MUCH AS NOW, DAVID REALLY WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. HE WAS A SMASHING LITTLE KID AND I GENUINELY CAN'T RECALL ANY SCRAPPING OR ARGUMENTS.

I REMEMBER IF HE MISBEHAVED WHEN WE WERE PLAYING, FOR A JOKE I USED TO BURY HIM IN THE GARDEN. IT'S TRUE. BUT IT'S NOT AS CRUEL AS IT SOUNDS, IT WAS ONLY UP TO THE WAIST – BUT WHEN HE CAME OUT HE ALWAYS USED TO COMPLAIN OF BEING REALLY DIZZY WHERE ALL THE BLOOD HAD RUSHED TO HIS HEAD.

AS A YOUNGSTER HE LOVED PLAYING FOOTBALL AND TRIED TO PLAY FOR THE SCHOOL TEAM ON MANY OCCASIONS. UNFORTUNATELY HE WAS FOUND TO BE USELESS IN EVERY POSITION.
NO CHANGE THERE THEN JENNY!!

AND THEN BECAUSE OF THE AGE GAP WE DID'NT SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER HE WAS INTO TONKA TOYS AND ACTION MAN, WHILE I HAD DISCOVERED THE DUBIOUS DELIGHTS OF GIRLS AND BEER.

THERE WAS HOWEVER, ONE VERY REGRETTABLE INCIDENT WHEN HE WAS YOUNG, AND THAT WAS WHEN DAVID GOT THROWN OUT OF THE SCOUTS FOR EATING A BROWNIE.

AS HE GOT OLDER TWO THINGS MEANT WE DID INDEED START TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.

ONE – WAS FOOTBALL AND OUR LOVE FOR ‘THE IRONS’ WEST HAM UNITED, THE CLUB WITH THE MOTTO, DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH AND YOU WON'T BE DISSAPOINTED. CERTAINLY TRUE AT THE MOMENT.

TWO – WAS WHEN DAVID AT THE AGE OF 15 WAS FINALLY ALLOWED TO COME TO KARATE WITH ME. I DID'NT ALLOW HIM BEFORE, I THOUGHT HE WAS'NT TOUGH ENOUGH, BUT HOW WRONG I WAS.
EVERY TIME HE GOT KNOCKED OVER HE GOT BACK UP, AGAIN AND AGAIN, HE NEVER COMPLAINED OR CONSIDERED NOT GOING BACK FOR MORE.
25 YEARS LATER DAVID STILL TRAINS DILIGENTLY AND HE TEACHES REGULARLY TOO, I KNOW HE IS RIGHTLY PROUD OF THE REMARKABLE LEVEL HE HAS ATTAINED IN HIS CHOSEN SPORT, 4TH DAN BLACK BELT, A QUITE AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL AGREE.

BY NOW DAVID WAS ALSO INTO CARS, AND I STILL THINK THE CAR THAT HE WAS PROUDEST OF WAS HIS OPEL MANTA.

4.FOR ME IT WAS NO SURPRISE THAT DAVID WON THE GO KARTING COMPETITION ON THE STAG DO. LET ME TELL YOU – THIS BOY DRIVES FAST. WE ONCE DROVE NEARLY 25 MILES FOR FISH AND CHIPS, IT WAS IN HIS MANTA, WE WERE IN SOUTH WALES, VERY RURAL, AND YET THOSE CHIPS WERE STILL TOO HOT TO EAT WHEN WE GOT BACK.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

HE USED TO PARK ON DOUBLE YELLOW LINES AND LEAVE HIS WIPERS ON ‘FAST WIPE’ TO AVOID PARKING TICKETS.

HE WENT TO COURT FOR A SPEEDING FINE, AND HE STOOD UP AND PLEADED INSANITY. THAT'S TRUE.

AND HIS STEREO – IT WOULD LITERALLY SHAKE THE CAR APART.
I TELL YOU, YOU USED TO HEAR DAVID COMING UP THE ROAD A FULL MINUTE BEFORE YOU WOULD EVER SEE HIM.

HE LEFT SCHOOL AND LIKE MOST KIDS HE DID'NT REALLY KNOW WHAT HE WANTED TO DO.

HE WAS GOING TO JOIN THE ARMY, UNTIL I POINTED OUT THAT WITH HIS KARATE TRAINING, EVERY TIME HE SALUTED HE'D KNOCK HIMSELF OUT.

HE WAS UNLUCKY TOO – FOR A WHILE HE TRIED SELLING HEARING AIDS DOOR TO DOOR, HE DID'NT FIND THAT EASY AT ALL, DO YOU KNOW HE NEVER WORKED OUT WHY ALL HIS POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS NEVER CAME TO THE DOOR.

THEN HE DECIDED HE WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONOMER, BECAUSE HE HONESTLY THOUGHT HE ‘D BE ABLE TO SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND GET PAID FOR DOING NOTHING.

BUT SERIOUSLY THINGS HAVE WORKED OUT WELL FOR HIM, AND HE'S CARVED HIMSELF OUT A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS CAREER.

DON'T BE FOOLED FOR ONE MINUTE BY THE FACT HE LOOKS STUPID. THAT DOSEN'T NECESSARILY MEAN THAT HE ISN'T.

ALTHOUGH HE MAY NOT ACT IT WHEN HIS OUT WITH THE LADS – DAVID THINKS HE IS A BIT OF A MODERN MAN AND LIKES TO THINK OF HIMSELF AS A BIT OF A CORDON BLEU CHEF.
HE'S ALWAYS BOASTING ABOUT THE FANTASTIC PASTA HE'S JUST COOKED OR THE TASTY FILLET HE JUST GRILLED ON HIS GEORGE FOREMAN.
I FOR ONE AM SCEPTICAL………..THE TRUTH IS, DAVID IS MORE FROM THE KARATE SCHOOL OF COOKERY, ONE CHOP AND THEY'RE DEAD.
MORE CORDON NOIR THAN CORDON BLEU.
DAVID THINKS COQ AU VAN IS MAKING LOVE IN A TRANSIT.

5.I MANAGED TO GET DAVID SOME RHINO HORN AS AN APHRODISIAC FOR HIS WEDDING NIGHT, BUT, TYPICAL DAVID, IMPATIENT, HE COULDN'T WAIT, AND HE TRIED SOME LAST NIGHT, I SAW HIM AT MIDNIGHT CHASING A LAND ROVER OUT OF THE CAR PARK.

AND NOW TO SUM DAVID UP. I TRULY BELIEVE THAT KARATE HAS PLAYED A LARGE PART IN FORGING DAVIDS CHARACTER, AND HELPED MAKE HIM WHAT HE IS TODAY.

AND IT REALLY IS A SERIES OF CONTRADICTIONS:

HE'S VERY INTELLIGENT, BUT AS EVERYBODY KNOWS, AS MAD AS A HATTER –FLIPPING MENTAL.
EXTREMELY CONFIDENT IN MOST SITUATIONS, AND YET ON OCCASIONS HE CAN BE SHY AND EVEN A LITTLE NAIVE.
VERY EMOTIONAL GUY, BUT MENTALLY VERY STRONG – HE POSSESS'S AN AMAZING INNER STRENGTH.
THIS MAN IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL, YET TOTALLY MR HAPPY GO LUCKY.

NOW ISN'T IT STRANGE THAT WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, ALL OF THESE TRAITS CAN ALSO BE LEVELLED AT SOMEBODY ELSE SITTING IN THIS ROOM TODAY, SHE'S DRESSED IN WHITE (WELL IVORY ACTUALLY), SAT NOT FAR FROM ME.

ANYTHING SOUND FAMILIAR JENNY!!

TALKING OF MRS DAVENPORT – I KNEW YOU WOULD LOOK STUNNING TODAY, AND TRULY YOU LOOK SENSATIONAL .

DAVID REALLY IS A VERY LUCKY MAN, BUT I'M SURE HE KNOWS THAT ALREADY.

A VERY WARM WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY JENNY, I KNOW YOU HAD A FEW FEARS ABOUT BECOMING A DAVENPORT, I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY, IT'S NOT AS IF YOU'VE SEEN ANY ABNORMAL OR STRANGE BEHAVIOUR WHILST IN OUR COMPANY………….JUST REMEMBER, AS FAR AS EVERYBODY KNOWS, WE'RE A NICE, NORMAL, WELL ADJUSTED FAMILY.

THE FIRST TIME I MET JEN I THOUGHT SHE WAS MUCH TOO QUITE AND RESERVED FOR DAVE, HOW WRONG COULD I BE. THAT WAS ONLY FOR THE FIRST HOUR WHILE SHE WAS ON HER BEST BEHAVIOUR. WHEN I SAW THE REAL JENNY A LITTLE LATER, I SOON REALISED THAT DAVID HAD, INDEED, TRULY MET HIS MATCH.

6.JENNY HAS RECENTLY CONFIDED IN ME THAT ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS SHE WAS FIRST ATTRACTED TO DAVID, WAS BECAUSE HE
HAD BEEN BOASTING TO HER, THAT HE WAS A 5 TIMES A NIGHT MAN.
BUT SHE DID ALSO SAY THOSE DAYS ARE OVER NOW, BECAUSE HE DOSEN'T DRINK HALF AS MUCH TEA BEFORE HE GOES TO BED AS HE USED TO.

JENNY HAS ASKED ME TO POINT OUT THAT THERES A SNOOKER ROOM HERE AND TO ORGANISE A LITTLE COMPETITION LATER.
DID I GET THAT WRONG JEN…………………..OKAY NOT STRICTLY TRUE
JENNY DID SAY IF SHE FINDS ANYBODY CAUGHT IN THE SNOOKER ROOM THIS EVENING THEY WOULD HAVE THEIR BALLS REMOVED…………..I TAKE IT YOU DID MEAN FROM THE TABLE!!

I UNDERSTAND IT IS TRADITIONAL FOR THE BEST MAN TO GIVE SOME WORDS OF WISDOM AND ADVICE DURING HIS SPEECH, AND I AM MORE THAN HAPPY TO SHARE WITH YOU ALL – WHAT MARRIAGE IS LIKE FOR ME AFTER MANY HAPPY YEARS TOGETHER:

ONLY RECENTLY MY WIFE ASKED ME TO HELP MORE WITH THE HOUSEWORK, I WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT, SO, LIKE EVERYTHING, WE COMPROMISED, AND NOW I LIFT MY LEGS UP WHEN SHES VACUUMING.

MY WIFE AND I AGREED SOME TIME AGO, THAT WE WOULD NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY WITH EACH OTHER, THE LONGEST WE'VE STAYED UP IN ONE GO IS THREE WEEKS.

I ACTUALLY PUT ON EBAY THE OTHER DAY – FOR SALE: TWENTY VOLUME ENCYCLOPEDIA SET. GOOD CONDITION. NO LONGER NEEDED. WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

I THINK THAT BASICALLY MY WIFE IS A LITTLE IMMATURE, I'M AT HOME SITTING IN THE BATH AND SHE JUST COMES IN WHENEVER SHE FEELS LIKE IT AND SHE SINKS ALL MY BOATS, AND SHE THINKS IT'S FUNNY.

I SAID TO MY WIFE LAID IN BED THE OTHER NIGHT “DO YOU FANCY A QUICKIE DARLING” AND SHE SAID “AS OPPOSED TO WHAT”.

HER FAVOURITE POSITION IN BED IS BACK TO BACK.

AND DAVID, YOU WILL NOW FIND THAT THERE IS A WAY OF TRANSFERRING FUNDS THAT'S EVEN QUICKER THAN ELECTRONIC BANKING. ITS CALLED MARRIAGE.

MIND YOU AFTER THE STAG DO I CAN ADD ANOTHER ONE TO THAT LIST, IT'S CALLED LAPDANCING !!

7.BUT SERIOUSLY, I DO LOVE BEING MARRIED. IT'S SO GREAT TO FIND THAT ONE SPECIAL PERSON THAT YOU WANT TO ANNOY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

AND LETS FACE IT, IF IT WASN'T FOR MARRIAGE, US MEN WOULD GO THROUGH THE WHOLE OF OUR LIFES, THINKING THAT WE HAVE NO FAULTS AT ALL.

WELL THAT'S MY MARRIAGE, AND ESPECIALLY FOR YOU DAVID I THOUGHT WE SHOULD COMPARE SOME GOLDEN RULES FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE TO SOMETHING YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND……FOOTBALL.

1.ENSURE YOU ARE FULLY COMMITED EVERY WEEK
2.MAKE SURE YOU SCORE EVERY SATURDAY
3.DON'T PUT YOUR TACKLE IN TOO HARD, OR YOU MAY RISK INJURY
4.ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CHANGE ENDS AT HALF TIME
5.NO TACKLING FROM BEHIND, ESPECIALLY ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT. OII !!
6.PLAYING AWAY FROM HOME WILL RESULT IN A SERIOUS GROIN INJURY AND BEING PUT ON THE TRANSFER MARKET
7. AH THERE IS NO 7 – I WAS GOING TO INCLUDE THE ONE ABOUT GOING DOWN IN THE BOX ………BUT I THOUGHT BETTER OF IT

RIGHT, AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE A FEW CARDS THAT IT HAS BEEN REQUESTED BE READ OUT TODAY.

TO DAVID, CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST WISHES TO YOU BOTH ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. PS: WILL YOU BE RENEWING YOUR SUBSCRIPTION – FROM ALL THE STAFF AT THE FANTASY CHANNEL.

HAVE A LOVELY DAY AND ALL THE BEST FOR THE FUTURE, SORRY I CAN'T BE WITH YOU. VERY BEST WISHES FROM ME AND ALL THE LADS AT THE BETTY FORD CLINIC, LOVE TERRY.

DAVID ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? YOU MADE A BIG IMPRESSION ON US, HOPE WE DIDN'T LEAVE TOO MANY ON YOU!!
FROM ALL THE GIRLS AT FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

TO FINISH ON A ROMANTIC NOTE, A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I ASKED DAVE AND JENNY TO WRITE A SENTENCE EACH FOR MY SPEECH THAT INCLUDED THE WORDS SEX AND LOVE.

JENNY WROTE AND I QUOTE: WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE BOTH PASSIONATELY AND DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER TO AN EXTREMELY HIGH DEGREE, AND THEY RESPECT EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, JUST LIKE DAVID AND I, IT IS BOTH SPIRITUALLY AND MORALLY ACCEPTABLE FOR THEM TO ENGAGE IN THE ART OF PHYSICAL SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER
8.

DAVID WROTE: I LOVE SEX.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS – DAVID, IT HAS BEEN A GREAT HONOUR TO BE YOUR BEST MAN TODAY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY TO HAVE HAD YOU AS MY BROTHER AND MY BEST FRIEND THESE PAST 40 YEARS.

TO DAVID AND JENNY, I SAY, YOU ARE ALREADY WELL ON THE WAY TO MARRIED BLISS, I TRULY DO NOT KNOW OF A HAPPIER COUPLE.

I HOPE YOUR LOVE WILL BE MODERN ENOUGH TO SURVIVE THESE MAD TIMES WE LIVE IN……….AND OLD FASHIONED ENOUGH TO LAST FOREVER.

TODAY IS A DAY WHEN EVERYBODY HERE WISHES THE HAPPY COUPLE WELL. BEING HUMAN AND ESPECIALLY LIVING WITH DAVID, THERE WILL BE DISAGREEMENTS. AND LIFE BEING WHAT IT IS, THERE WILL BE SAD MOMENTS AS WELL AS GLAD.

YET I KNOW TODAY, WE ARE ALL WISHING THEM EVERY HAPPINESS AND THE VERY BEST OF HEALTH IN THOSE YEARS TO COME.

AND SO, MAY I PROPOSE A TOAST, WILL YOU ALL PLEASE BE UPSTANDING AND RAISE YOUR GLASSES TO THE NEW MR AND MRS DAVENPORT, TO JENNY AND DAVID.

AND THAT, I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL BE PLEASED TO KNOW, MEANS THAT MY SPEECH HAS COME TO AN END, THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH FOR LISTENING.