Speech by Tristan Gillard

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tristan Gillard
Speech Date: Aug2004
“I wrote this speech (my first ever) for the wedding of my best friend of 25 years, Frank, who was wed to Emma on 14/8/04 and I'm pleased to say it went down a storm! It got laughs throughout and I had many congratulations for the speech throughout the evening.
This speech was relatively easy to write as there were many stories about the Groom.
Tips: Write it well in advance, don't include all the usual cheesy overused jokes, try to be original and make an effort to tell any stories well. Don't be afraid to embellish the truth a little. Oh, and practice, practice, practice!!”
“I got hold of some old photos of him including his first school photo. These are guaranteed to raise a laugh, particularly when blown up to A1 size!”

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Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and thank you all for being here to share this occasion with Frank & Emma.

My name is Tristan, and today I am Frank's best man…and as I'm sure I will need a drink when this is over, if I meet you afterwards at the bar, mines a pint please!

Firstly, thank you to Laurie and Frank for their great speeches and
for the grooms kind words, and gifts to the bridesmaids, pageboys and ushers, who all did an excellent job back at the church.

Also I'm sure you will agree, the bride, Emma, is looking stunning, so please let's have a big round of applause for them all. <Applause>

I know the groom can't wait for me to start his ritual embarrassment, but first it's my duty to read from a card (or two.) <Cards>

One of the great traditions of the best mans speech is to explore the darkest depths of the grooms past, and make him sweat in front of a hundred of his closest family and friends.

After all, this is probably the most important and memorable day of Frank's life.… Ever… so without further ado… and in the Grooms very own words… let's crack on!

I first became friends with Frank at the Vale school when were 5 years old. Just in case he had forgotten, here he is, in his very first school photo! <Photo>

Over the 25 years I have known him, Frank's light hearted nature and insane sense of humour, has provided many comedy moments, although, I have left out most of the material….because this is a family audience, and I would also like his marriage to Emma to last beyond my speech!

First we go back to Christmas, some time ago, with the family all together in festive spirits and sitting down in front of the TV after a big roast dinner.
Like most Christmases there wasn't much on, so Frank was asked to go and look through his many videos for something the family could watch.

He ran upstairs and looked through his prized collection, which included his favourites, Star trek, Black Adder and Thomas the tank engine.
After much searching, he chose Back to the Future.

Chuffed with himself and under the eager eyes of his family he put the video in, settled in his armchair and pressed play.

As the action started on the screen, a horrified Frank suddenly remembered what he had cleverly hidden inside the innocent looking Back to the Future video case….But it was too late! His whole family was now watching his favourite porno video, Lust American Style!
Frank is a fast food connoisseur, and a regular at Wimpy, he has their number is on his mobile speed dial and rings ahead to pre order his “usual”. He knows the staff so well that the chef even keeps an eye out the window for Frank's car as he drives past; making sure his burger is ready as soon as he walks in!

For many years he has lived on a diet of beans on toast and microwave spagbol and even to this day his idea of an evening meal is a whole packet of penguins or hobnobs!

Frank has always fancied himself as an action hero, and it is something he would often daydream about. One such day driving home from work, he put on his anthem and Highway to the danger zone from the Top Gun film soundtrack, came blasting from the stereo.

He put on his cool pilot shades and was soon fantasising that he was Tom Cruise playing Maverick….the fearless F-15 fighter pilot.

Later, back home, there was a knock at his door..…
He went outside to see a traffic jam, with his car stuck across both lanes of the busy main road. In his daydream he had forgotten to put on the handbrake…his car had rolled down the drive into the road, miraculously avoiding a collision with the rush hour traffic.

Despite these innocent mishaps Frank is a man of many hidden talents. As you can see he was once a lean, mean, green belt in Taw Kwon Doe. <Photo> But today the only thing he karate chops are the poppadoms in his local Indian!

It's also fair to say that Frank is a complete pianist.… because he has a respectable grade 5 on the piano… He can also ride a horse, but this is debatable, because when he was just 10, he fell of and broke his arm!

And not forgetting his biggest talent…..That this man could fart for England! He is the only person I know, to get a detention for farting during school assembly!

A few of us worked with him in the warehouse of Marks and Spencer, where, worryingly someone put him in charge of other people and heavy machinery.

Luckily were all still alive, although we were left mentally scarred by the sight of Frank after missing his alarm and turning up late for his 5.30 am shifts, still half-asleep, with shirt un-tucked, wild man hair and sleep encrusted eyes!

On Holiday in Corfu we discovered what happens after he drinks too much Jack Daniel's. He became uncoordinated and incoherent, although for anyone who knows him; this can be normal behaviour for Frank!
Later he was shouting, rolling about on the floor and as you can see, asleep in the bath <photo>.

We shared a room, and I woke the next morning to see him lying fully clothed on a sloping pile of wood that was his bed….In his drunken state he had kicked the end clean off during the night, leaving me to rebuild it with a kitchen knife, just before the maid arrived to clean our apartment!

In 99 Frank moved out from his parent's house in XXXXXX to become a homeowner.

Frank has not always been the example of a clean & organised man you see before you today. But seeing as we have all just eaten, I will spare you the gory details of his early attempts at domestic living!

Since meeting Emma in 2002 this soon changed and the woman's touch now means he does the housework more than just twice a year!….So thank you to Emma for achieving the impossible and finally house-training him!

All the joking aside, Frank is a great friend who goes back a long way and it genuinely has been an honour and privilege to be his best man today.
Frank and Emma.… <Gesture >….or as they like to call one another “monkey lover” & “my little pot of poo”, make a natural couple that have found something special in each other.

Frank first met Emma by chance at another wedding and I could sense back then that something very important had happened.

The rest is history, and meeting Emma has changed his life in the best possible way, giving them happiness they both truly deserve.

Finally, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses for a toast…<Face Couple>

To Frank & Emma…congratulations on your marriage, may it be a long and happy one… “To Frank & Emma…”