Speech by Tristan Nicholls

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tristan Nicholls
Speech Date: 20/03/2013 10:28:00

Tristan: Before we undertake the customary duty of giving Simon an uncomfortable few minutes it is part of the official duty of the best men to thank Simon on behalf of the bridesmaids Denise, Kelly and beautiful little flower girl Elizabeth for his kind words and for having them play a part in this really special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job. Indeed they are only eclipsed by Anne-Marie herself, who, I'm sure you will all agree looks absolutely stunning. Simon, as always just looks stunned!

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. For those of you who don't know us my name is Tristan Wudyulikeadrink and this is Martin Whatcanigetya, two of Simon's closest friends and when you see us by the bar if you could please address us by our full names that would be great. We have the honour of being his best men. And it is a great honour, but in all honesty we are actually a little nervous and apprehensive about doing this.

If there is anybody else here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive [PAUSE] it is probably because you just married Simon!!

Martin: Simon, always being the glutton for punishment, didn't think that one best man ruining his reputation would be enough so he asked two of us to do it for him!!

When Simon asked us to be his best men……..it was like being asked to sleep with the Queen…….a great honour….but nobody really wants to do it!!!!!

But we said yes and then immediately started to worry about the speech.

So…I looked on the internet for ideas…….with resources at my fingertips I began GOOGLING away……..after a couple of hours I found some, a few hours later I found some REALLY good stuff…………..but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for BEST MAN TIPS….and had to delete the history off the computer before my mum came home!!!

T: The internet recommended that we ask friends and family about Simon; many of his Dutch friends describing him as a first class banker… but with him working for ADT I'd obviously miss-understood them. Some other words you could use to describe Simon are charming, intelligent and entertaining but nobody said those so I won't use them.

He was however once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish [PAUSE] hard to believe I know, but let's face it if anyone would know him it would be his MUM!!

M: You know during the service today we couldn't help thinking it's funny how history repeats itself [PAUSE] I mean it was 27 years ago that Anne-Marie was being sent to bed with a dummy…..and it's happening all over again today.

We must point out about 10 minutes before we started Anne-Marie gave us a list of DO's and DONT's that she would like us to stick to ……

1 – DON'T mention any ex-girlfriends [TRISTAN THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

2 – DON'T swear [MARTIN THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

3 – DON'T tell any rude jokes [TRISTAN THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

4 – DON'T tell any lies [MARTIN THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

5 – DO tell positive stories about Simon [TRISTAN THROW AWAY THREE CARDS]

T: As well as this speech, our job today was to get Simon here:

1. ON TIME

2. SOBER

3.  LOOKING GOOD

2 out of 3 ain't bad………….we're best men not PLASTIC SURGEONS!!!!

In all the years we have known Simon, no one has ever questioned his INTELLIGENCE……in fact……..no one has even mentioned it!!!

I will give you an idea of what I mean:

His mum tells us he was a bit of a slow starter at playschool, and that he was different from all the other 5 year olds [LONG PAUSE] in that he was 11!!

I remember a time we were in PIZZA HUT….the waitress asked Simon if he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 8 slices………he said………you better make it 4, I don't think I could manage 8!!!!

So…Simon and Anne-Marie…… you've FINALLY got married….for BETTER or for WORSE…….which is quite appropriate…as SIMON……you couldn't have done any BETTER…………………………………………….and ANNE-MARIE….you couldn't have done any WORSE!!!!!!!

M: Joking aside, we'd like to say how sincerely pleased we are that you two have tied the knot……we know that we have told you before…but once more won't hurt…….SIMON you are the best friend anyone could wish for and I can't imagine a world where you and ANNE-MARIE aren't together and blissfully happy………..Just look at them [HAND GESTURE TOWARDS SIMON AND ANNE-MARIE]…….Their love seems so PURE and SIMPLE……….Anne-Marie is PURE……….and Simon is…….SIMPLE!!!!

T: We just have to read out a couple of messages sent from people who couldn't make it today……….

M: Dear Anne-Marie I wish you and Simon all the best on your wedding day but will never forget the love we had had for each other, all the best Elijah Wood.

T: And Simon this message reads… ‘We hope to keep in touch with Simon now that he is married, as he was our best ever customer……lots of love from all the girls at Totties!!!!

M: ‘…oh and this one's from the guys at the football team and it's to Anne-Marie, it says we've tried Simon in every position and found him to be equally useless in all of them. Hope you have better luck..!’

T: Key collection

Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce the following:

T: Boys being boys, Anne-Marie realises that Simon has had a lot of girlfriends over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place could please return them.” This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and maybe somebody's grandma. We included bride's gay best friends. It went down a storm!

M: Simon….how lucky are you?…You leave here today GAINING a partner that is WARM, LOVING, CARING, FUNNY and who RADIATES KINDNESS wherever she goes!!!…………………………..and Anne-Marie…….how lucky are you? You leave here today having gained…………………………………….a beautiful dress and flowers!!!!!

And Simon just remember that there are 2 main secrets to a happy marriage….

1. Whenever you're in the WRONG……….ADMIT IT!!

2. Whenever you're in the RIGHT………SHUT UP!!!

T: And so to bring this speech to an end, as a Welsh man I am very proud to wish Simon and Anne-Marie bon voyage when they go on their honeymoon to North Wales? I presume that is where they are going, because when I asked Simon what he was doing after the wedding, he said he's going to BANGOR for a couple of days.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE UPSTANDING ……..RAISE YOUR GLASSES……..TO LOVE…….TO LAUGHTER…….TO A HAPPY EVER AFTER…..WE GIVE YOU………THE BRIDE AND GROOM!!!!