Speech by Tristan Smith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Tristan Smith
Speech Date: Oct2006
[note: this is a best man speech given at an engagement party where the bride and groom were having a Hindu wedding. There is no ‘best man’ in Indian tradition.]

I have been looking forward to giving this speech for a long time. Pretty much since Andy and Aishwarya first met. 8 years ago.

It was a beautiful sunny day in Cambridge, and we had all come down from Nottingham to Reclaim the Streets. I remember Andy rushing up to me, wide-eyed, telling me that he had just met the most beautiful girl in the world, ever, and her name was Aishwarya.

Now, some people say these kind of things a lot. But when Andy says something like that you stop and you listen. In fact he has only ever said these things once, and that was back then, in Cambridge, at Reclaim the Streets.

But that only tells one half of the story. For sure, Andy had met the love of his life, but what we couldn't understand was what she saw in him . . . Quite frankly we're still trying to work it out today!

I mean, Andy's main hobbies are computer games and toy soldiers. He has vast armies of tiny little vampires and elves.

And as for football . . . There are few people in this world as talentless . . . as myself at playing football. But Andy is definitely one of them.

And the most remarkable thing is that in all the years we've known each other, he has never got any better! But, what Andy lacks in talent, he more than makes up for _ by always wearing the right kit: shorts, [football club] shirt and shinpads!

Now I've been told that marriage is a lot like football. So, Andy, be Fully Committed Every Week, and make sure that you Score at the Weekend.

Don't go in too Hard with the Tackle, or you Might Get Injured, and always Change Ends at Half-time!

That's not to mention Diving in the Box!

But remember, Playing Away From Home will result in a Serious Groin Injury and you going Straight On the Transfer List!

Now we all know that Andy is very competitive, but in Aishwarya he has truly met his match. Whether it's playing tennis or picking a fantasy football dreamteam, Aishwarya wins hands down.

But it's a perfect combination. Aishwarya's got the looks, sporting abilities and charm, and Andy's got . . . enthusiasm . . . consistency . . . and a willingness to wear the right clothes!

Talking about consistency, I have known Andy for 13 years and he's always been a good friend: stubborn . . . moody . . . but a man of few words. None of them worth listening to, trust me!

But I've always wondered what Andy must have been like before I knew him. And at Andy's stag weekend I got to meet Larry and Oscar, Andy's best friends from when he was growing up, and they paint a very different picture.

Imagine, if you dare, a teenage Andy. Long, blond hair. Crimped. Bleached highlights. Suit jacket. Tie-dyed t-shirt underneath. Cruising around Suffolk on a motorbike . . .

But that's not all. Larry tells me that back then, Andy's “main hobby” was making full-length tape recordings of him and his friends . . . farting and burping.

All I can say, Aishwarya, is be thankful for computer games and toy soldiers. It could be a whole lot worse!

And in fact, it could well be a whole lot worse because in a couple of hour's time Andy will be leading you out onto the dancefloor! And we've been waiting for that for a very long time.

Seriously though, I am so happy that Andy and Aishwarya are finally getting married and I would like to propose a toast.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd all please be upstanding and raise your glasses . . . To Andy and Aishwarya!

Now, it turns out that Andy has been secretly planning a quiz, with embarrassing questions about all of his friends, to deflect some of the attention from himself.

So we thought that we'd pre-empt him with a little quiz of our own . . . very easy, multiple choice. 3 answers a, b or c. [note: all correct answers are c]

Q1: What was Andy's favourite band as a teenager?

aQueen
bMetallica
cAha

Q2: What did Andy ban at his stag-do?

aplaying cards of semi-nude men
bplaying cards of German footballers
cplaying cards of semi-nude women

Q3: What calendar did Andy have in 2005?

aa David Beckham calendar
ba Kylie Minogue calendar
ca Cliff Richard calendar

Q4: What is Andy's favourite film of all time?

aBrokeback Mountain
bLord of the Rings: Return of the King
cPolice Academy 6: Mission to Moscow

Q5: When Andy was found after a heavy night out, whimpering ‘help me’, where was he trapped?

aat the Blue Oyster Bar?
bin a police station
cat home, on his orange rug

Q6: Andy claims to be “international standard” at which activity?

acottaging
b dungeons and dragons
conline worms

Q7: who did Andy meet up with after talking on the internet?

aan old school friend
ba young brunette
ca group of men wearing leathers

Q8: what cream does Andy use?

ahand cream
bface cream
cfat-reducing anti-cellulite ladies firming cream

Q9: when Andy was found behind the sofa with Larry's sister, what were they doing?

aplaying doctors and nurses
bplaying snakes and ladders
cplaying with ‘My Little Ponies’

Yes, unbelievably it is true. Larry's little sister and Andy were found hiding behind the sofa carefully plaiting the hair of her ‘My Little Ponies’. Apparently they still laugh at him to this very day! Over to you, Andy . . .