Speech by Victor Biriotti

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Victor Biriotti
Speech Date: Aug2004
1.
I am Victor and Im not saying that Im nervous but Its not the first time today Ive stood up hot and sweaty, from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

It is a great honour to be best man, but with the role –apparently comes the job of writing this speech… and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible.
So where do you begin for ideas?
Obviously neither Graeme nor I have been married before..
The best place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the world wide web…
After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff but .…
then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips…
I did actually find LOADS of ready@prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly,none of them were about a couple called Graeme and Jenny who live in Haverhill ….So it looks like it's down to me after all.
2.
I think like all best men before me Its my job to point out the obvious.

The day has been organised to perfection. Jenny and Graeme and the families Barbara, John and Heather have spent the last few months making sure that nothing embarrassing happens today

And I think ladies and gentlemen you will agree its been flawless. applause?
And I want to say a special thank you to Chloe, Juliet, Harrison and Maddy who have been angels.
@ applause?

There is however one little detail that you weren't able to plan or control..

And I think over the past few months Graeme has secretly been realising
That that detail is ME

Graeme you have asked me to be your best man and Im eternally touched.
I suspect you have been eternally terrified.
Oh how Ive enjoyed it!

3.
In time honoured Best man tradition I will do my best to give Graeme the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of the day. and obviously as I haven't been there – by all accounts ,but that's what he does to Jenny every night..

Ok ok every week

Oh I think my time is nearly up,

Ive enjoyed teasing you over the past few weeks with what I might say tonight…

4.
Ive known Graeme for nearly 15 years, we met at Hatfield Polytechnic, and apart from thinking his name was Barry for the first few days its been a trouble free, wonderful, and most cherished, friendship.

I had considered doing a complete this is your life story but as soon as I found out that other than my own appearance on the planet nothing else relevant happened in 1967. I have decided not to.

We have worked, lived and played together. We have been on countless trips and adventures.
My persistent memory is that we never stop laughing.. Mostly at my expense though.

And speaking of expense.. We have been on several outrageously competitive gadget shopping trips..
Enough that between us we can open a decent sized branch of Dixons.
The difference is Ive broken most of my gadgets and luckily and skilfully , Graeme has fixed always managed to fix them for me.
Honestly, together we have had and had more good times than I care to remember –Which may be fortunate and has absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol along the way.

5.
Now most of you will agree with me that Graeme is the perfect gentlemen , perhaps softly spoken , seemingly tee total.. always polite, well mannered, clever and resourceful
I did say seemingly tee total here didn't I
Barbara and John he is, or rather was, a credit to you both
Best man speeches are easy when you are dealing with drunken stupidity..… aren't they Graeme?

6.
I was fortunate enough, early in our friendship, to share a remote cottage with this man. You can imagine the sort of place cant you?

.. A couple of young lads experimenting with youth and generally discovering the pleasures of life.
In Graeme's case those pleasures were Alcohol and Fires,…
It was a lovely cottage in St Albans:
Rural and countrified in every way.
It had everything,
Wild grass growing in the field outside / not that sort!
An open fire ,
Exposed wooden beams.
Two stair cases.,..
We even had a couple of real mice living in the flip top bin
Maybe I shouldn't be telling this story after all
I can see Graeme's parents looking quite concerned. They must be remembering the time he came home drunk and decided their bedroom must be the toilet.
Thanks for that story Philip
I am delighted that there were no such mix ups in our household.
6.2
Graeme's sole passion was chopping wood for the open wood fire..
What other respectable 21 year old dreams of , craves and laters goes out and buys a top of the range chainsaw?
Are you worried yet Jenny?
But I think it was my mother who was ultimately impressed by the cleanliness of the neat rows of Graeme's .… Grolsh bottles on the beams which were either freshly dusted or freshly drunk every time she visited.
Personally I never saw a duster there
7.
Ten years on we re forged our house sharing antics when we both lived in Holland…

Graeme seemed to spend a lot of money on coffee, I never figured out why but I know some of the staff in a certain Irish pub O'Neil's in Holland would be very surprised to hear Graeme is the model of sobriety.

But we were exceptionally good customers on one particular night but even after several pints of Guinness, and nearly five years on .. they do still know us by name there…
Now, for Graemes sake and mine , that is a story I might stay tight lipped about.

Because Im well known as a terrible tease and because im under strict instructions Im nearly going to stop there now

8.
It's also my job to say something about Jenny
So let me go on by saying this: Jenny you do indeed look truly stunning tonight and Graeme is a very lucky man. Stunned even

And that really leads me right on to the profound thought :
Graeme has done very well indeed.
But how about Jenny? Is she really getting a bargain here?

I'd say she is, but of course there's only one way to know for sure @ let's check the shopping list.

What should you look for in a good husband?
Love
Reliability
A good sense of humour
Generosity might come in handy
As will his endless desire to help Nurture his love and cherish you
This all seems too perfect so … for Graeme's sake,
Its better to know now…

9.
As best man and sometimes best friend its also part of my job to make sure Graeme is getting a good partner in Jenny.

Ive done my best to dig up the dirt on Jenny too. And to my disappointment It would appear that she has never done anything to cause embarrassment. Am I grovelling like you asked Jenny?

Even Graeme himself was of little use in dishing the dirt.

Thanks Graeme Im up here on your behalf and you give me nothing to work with.,. Ladies and Gentlemen that must be love.. It's a rare condition but its apparently curable by marriage

10 .
Jenny , Ive known you for coming up a couple of years now..
I shall never forget that you interrupted me at every possible moment when we first met.
I shall also never forget that Graeme told you this almost as soon as Id mentioned it.

Ever since Graeme asked me to step up here and say something: Ive been looking for the low down on you Jenny too..
Its been hard but I never give up , Ive even had to resort to school reports…
It seems every one has a price
Yes your mother isn't quite as faithful as you thought ..
Read left pocket report

Ooh look, here is one.
And I quote …………………….’
Punctuality: Extremely good
Appearance: Neat and tidy
Ability to understand instructions: Has grasped matters very well
Willingness to undertake tasks: Has proved very willing

General Behaviour: Very good

It goes on to say .… Jennifer has chosen the law as the profession she wishes to pursue. Given her present ability we feel she should reach the goal she has set herself
Round of applause…?

Graeme thinks he has got off the hook lightly.…
I don't know why you are smiling Graeme , Ive got one from your mother too..
And I quote…
Graeme has the ability to do very well but always works with the minimum of effort.
That's teacher speak for lazy .
Shame on you Graeme
Im not going to read the rest of these out but I have made copies which I will distribute as I see fit.

11.
Some advice to you both, if I may:

Jenny: If you want something from Graeme just ask. Graeme is a man Hints just will not work

Graeme: Women are meant to be loved , not understood

I have seen for myself Jenny and Graeme that:
Your love is modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

So on that note Ladies and gentlemen ..Please be upstanding for a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Carpenter.