Speech by Vince O’Neill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Vince O’Neill
Speech Date: sep 2003
Ladies and Gentlemen

First of all I'd like thank A…… for is kind words about the Bridesmaids and page boys. Anyone who knows this family will agree with me when I say that one of the few things we **** get right every time is to produce beautiful daughters. Just look at Karen and Alison.

Nothing has changed and with a little help from S…, today in the shape of L… and R…., we have two striking examples of that rarest of all gems – beauty combined with elegance, grace and poise.

Now then I turn my attention to these two strapping lads. Haven't they been great? Talk of military precision and bearing it's enough to bring a tear to an old mans eye.

Now talking of an old man.

When A…… asked for my ‘permission’ to marry K…… (no he didn't) I, along with the rest of the family thought about time! . When he went on to ask me to be Best Man my first thought was that he'd lost his marbles . Any way I said it was a great honour (it's the greatest honour one man can bestow on another) and agreed, It's usually the safest option to humour these cases, I then checked with K…… and she confirmed it.
Yes I was right – he had lost his marbles but that had happened years before and he was now considered mostly safe to be on the loose and as part of her civic duty she had agreed that the safest course was to marry him.
Later on he came to tell me that in a civil ceremony my official title was to be Witness – that's when I started to worry again and thoughts about visiting hours at some secure institution came flooding back. Eventually I was reassured (threatened more like it) and began to think that Witness was probably a much more appropriate title.

Especially in the case of a younger (much much younger) brother. Anyone who has older brothers and sisters will agree with me – what do we do? We watch them! Occasionally we will try to copy them or annoy them or dob them in, (Note this can be dangerous). But mostly we watch them. Do they like it? No they don't. Are we bothered? No we aren't. Does it stop us? no no no.
Some of the smarter ones among you will have realised that I could not have witnessed everything, for one thing he is much older than me and for another thing he did his level best to keep me in the dark.

So I missed his birth on St Davids day I will let you guess the year – clues to follow! So why wasn't he called David? It's a perfectly fine name but it does carry an air of saintliness and perfection – My mother was nobodies fool – she called him A….…

Well back to those clues? It was a busy old year Hitler annexed Austria which should have started WW2 but didn't (we probably thought we'd give him more time to build up his Airforce??)

Laurel and hardy released their latest comedy film Blockheads
it's probably on Sky tonight TV prices were £21 for a screen size of 4" x 3½", and up to £200 for a 22" x 18" projection model which was more than a years wages for most craftsmen.

The first Bristol Blenheim bomber was delivered. to 101 squadron of the RAF and an American radio programme caused absolute panic when they broadcast HG Wells ‘War of the Worlds’ which tells of a Martian invasion, as though it was a news item.
Now you see why people thought they had to make their own fun.

Back to the plot So what did I witness?
By the time I was born A…… was almost grown up (he's still at the same stage now), well it seemed like it to me.
Him and his mates were a source of endless fun (and threats of an horrible death if I wasn't careful.

Games of football, rugby, street cricket, rounders, ‘kickout can’, tick, and trolley were there to be learned as were walks to Carr wood, stickle back and newt fishing these were also combined with swimming and diving lessons (AKA falling in at which A…… was an expert – ask him).

All or most of these were interspersed with various attempts to get rid of me – aren't younger brothers an absolute pain? It's GREAT! Some of these attempts where guaranteed to succeed i.e. the clip round the ear'ole but were sure to lead to retribution from Dad in the shape of a good hiding.

Others were more subtle like playing knock and run and leaving me to be
caught or bribing me to tell lies. (He forgot about that one today)
Later on I started to look up to him and admire him. He has always been
strong whether it was lifting a borrowed railway sleeper for the bonfire or lifting a truck tyre to roll me down the hill in it. And he was always a good swimmer see above! He was too far ahead of me at school so memories of him among the teachers had mostly faded – some of them had managed to stop shaking at the mention of his name others were still on tranquillisers.

When he acquired anything – I borrowed it, without asking of course, if he found out I would disappear! Unfortunately one day it was his bike that disappeared! – I'd generously lent it to a thief! But mostly I managed to stay part of the background noise.

Talking of noise has anyone heard him do a David Whitfield or Mario Lanza
impression – now that is something to witness – ask him to do it later I bet he still thinks he can.

I was really impressed when he left school and got a job at Leigh spinners Factory (my mother along with most of my relatives seemed to work there).
What was his Job – wait for it – he was a stripper and grinder! Wow! You don't hear of many men doing that today. If you ask him he'll describe it as something to do to the machinery. I, and my mates suspected it was more likely to be something to do with the ladies in the warehouse!

After his National Service (something to do with fighting wars using horses and guns* – I told you he was old) he joined the Fire Brigade and this was when his true character showed through. All those years I'd spent honing his patience and restraint paid off.

Now I really had something great to witness. If he wasn't cycling to
Stretford fire station to lay his life on the line (yes the Police did
recover the bike try asking them to do that these days), he was swinging
weights around and demonstrating his prowess at swimming and diving. AKA
getting banned from the baths for going in off the balcony.

Seriously though, I was proud of him, especially when the promotions started and he does look good in a uniform.

When I got married he wasn't my Best Man, my Brother H…… was, but I did ask him to do two simple things:-
Look after our hire car and make sure it was parked handy to the
reception so we could make a sharp exit;
Look after our luggage.
Talk about misplaced trust!!:

The car was parked as far from the door as possible, was plastered with
signs and slogans, stuffed solid with confetti and streamers and had half
the contents of a cobblers skip hanging off the back end. The Hire place
said the heater was blowing confetti out for months!.

When we got to the hotel the cases and the clothes in them were chock
solid with confetti, amongst other things, and all through the honeymoon
every attempt to use a hanky or pay for a drink was accompanied by a shower of coloured paper.

If he'd been best man none of us would have survived the stag night and the vicar would have turned up drunk and in drag.

When I first met K…… I was struck by several things: she was/is a
beauty; she was charming; had a good sense of humour (she needed it); and
most importantly got on well with the relatives.
But the most obvious thing was her love of A….… But this was early days and we all know how difficult things can get so we wished them all the best and hoped.

Things did get difficult – He looks fit and healthy and works hard to stay that way. But on occasion his innards can throw a bit of a wobbler. One attempt to solve one of these problems by a simple keyhole operation, was turned by a bungling surgeon into a full blown crisis and for a time his life was on the line. This was when I saw the true depths of devotion from both sides. Any lingering doubts I had were totally blown away. This K…… is some girl! Daft as brush – She's got to be to live with him – but loves him to bits.

It is now my duty to share with you a few of the many messages of support
and complaints sorry I meant compliments received by A…… and K….…

This is your final warning pay up or we'll send the boys round to kick your windows in – oops that's his bowling club subs reminder

Chesty and the rest of the girls can't wait to see you flex your pecs again.
Sounds like young wives are looking for a few more tips.

To the groom,A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.Will you be renewing your subscription?
Readers wives uncovered Magazine
To the bride,A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your groom.Will you be renewing your subscription?
Bondage weekly Magazine

This couple were made for each other. Ladies and gentlemen I give you
A…… and K……!
*Royal Horse Artillery.