Speech by Virgil Porter

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Virgil Porter
Speech Date: mar 2004
Introduction:

Now before I get started, I'd like to make sure everybody can hear me….can you all hear me? What about youse down by the bar? Then someone please order me a large Vodka and coke!!

OK, Good Afternoon reverend Father, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Philip; It is my great privilege to act as Michael's best man today.
Cutting cake:
I would like to invite the Bride and Groom to cut the cake now.

When Michael asked me to be best man my initial thought was "Sssssugar" {yep, I see Mary got to this speech already}, but off course I said yes. I began to fret and worry about it until I got (2) pieces of good advice. The first was "treat the speech like a mini skirt" i.e. short enough to keep everyone interested and long enough to cover the bare essentials. The second bit of advice was given from our cousin Philip. He said "wear bicycle clips over your trousers bottoms". What for I said. You'll know what it is for when you get up to speak. Philip, thanks for that, I get it now! And I mean I am really getting it now.

I'll hand you over to Mary's dad Tony, now.
Tony's speech (Bride's Father).
Thanks Tony for those lovely words.
Dad your up next, be sure to go hard on him. Just remember those teenage years and all the grief and cost he put you through!!!!!
Dad's speech (Grooms Father).
Thanks Dad. I still think you let him off too lightly, don't worry I'll make up for it later.
John and David are read a few cards now….John!
John and David Card Reading/Speech.
Thanks John.
Before I hand you over to Michael, I was just thinking when Tony and Dad were speaking, how much they have in common. After all, it's the first time in years that Tony and Dad have been able to speak for 10 minutes without interruption from the women in their families, and it'll be the last time for the next few years that Michael gets to do the same. Michael, this may be your last chance so I hope you make the most of it!
Michael's speech (Grooms Speech)
Thanks Michael…..…

Middle:

As best man and his brother it is my duty to embarrass Michael as much as possible. So I did the rounds with the family members to get the dirt on him, most of the stories can't be repeated here today. However one story that Mum remembered was back in the day when she liked to have a puff!! It seems that she was desperate for a fag and in her wisdom she sent her 8-year-old son up the street for 20 Silk cut purple. That in it self was bad enough but after half an hour of waiting and still no sign of him she went up looking for him. It seems that he was spotted in the amusements trying to win back the price of 20 Silk Cut purple in the slot machines. Mum marched in, grabbed him by the ear, whipped out the wooden spoon and beat him down the road. Needless to say that was the last time that Michael gambled. However it has come to our attention that the problem may reoccur in the next few days….Michael, where are you going on Honeymoon?…Vegas….Not to worry Mary, I have the perfect gift for you and this is all you'll ever need to keep him in toe. Here you go………..[Wooden spoon].

Michael passed his driving test with flying colours a good few years ago. Unfortunately his newly acquired driving skills didn't help him to avoid collisions with other road users. It wasn't so bad when he rear-end a car in Boston a couple of years ago, [it was one of those high speed accidents and over quickly, I think he was doing a top speed of 10MPG, it actually happened in a car park!!] It got worse when he fell/staggered out of the car to see what happened, it turns out that the car he hit was a red convertible sports car!!! Don't worry, both parties were OK, in fact it was a blessing that we were all leaving the pub, I think the other driver was more worse for wear than Michael (and if you know Michael's stamina you'll understand that the other guy must have been blind drunk). Anyway, all hands left on good terms, I was the only one that felt the pain, since it was my car he was driving.

That was car number one, the next episode to this day has more questions than answers. Maybe we will get some answers today. It all happened late one night after he was leaving a couple of the guys home. The official story, or the one to Mum and Dad was that he fell asleep at the wheel. Of course Mum and Dad were very glad that he was OK and that no one was hurt. They actually gave out to him for working so hard. At the time they were thinking of having a word with Jean (I should explain that Jean is his boss…come to think of it Michael seems to like being bossed by woman…is there a connection here?). It turns out that Michael didn't learn anything from his previous accident, in fact he took a step backwards. He had now moved from hitting moving objects to hitting stationery object. OK, OK these things happen, its hard to avoid telegraph poles or tree when you just wake up at the wheel late at night but for the life of me I can't understand how anybody can drive into a house. Yes my friends he drove his car into a big 2-story house!! Now the two questions I have for you are:
(1) How the hell could you miss a house? I mean….a house..a bloody house?
(2) Asleep at the wheel, come on now? What really happened? Where you looking for that last can or what? Maybe he dropped 50cents on the car floor and was trying to pick it up; we all know how he likes to hold on to those pennies.

Mary's Bit (Brides bit)
Of course Mary is getting off lightly here today…as the girls weren't spilling any stories on her whatsoever. On a serious note I have known Mary for good few years now she is an absolutely brilliant person. She's been a good friend to us and we always felt that she was part of our family so we're delighted that today she really is.

End:

Before I finish I'd like to ask Michael and Mary to participate in the speech now. Mary if I can ask you to place your right hand flat on the table…Michael, If you would like to place your left hand directly on top of Mary's…..Enjoying that Michael? Make the most of it as it is the last time you'll have the upper hand.

In conclusion I'd like to say Michael, you're a brilliant brother and it has truly been an honour being your best man today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it me great pleasure (and relief) to invite you all to stand and join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom…..Mr. & Mrs. Michael and Mary Kelly. We wish them both all the best for their future together and we hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage.